Matchy-Matchy

OK-I confess: I am guilty of this. Why is it that moms love matchy-matchy? Seeing this ad makes me realize how retarded (sorry-that’s very politically incorrect) it looks. It’s the kind of thing that makes others roll their eyes and throw up just a little in their mouth, but you’re so enamored of the matchy-matchy that you can’t see the revulsion you’ve inflicted on innocent bystanders. I actually had to give up on my dreams of matchy-matchy a few years ago when big kid rebelled right before the annual Christmas picture at…drum roll…WAL-MART (the center of purgatory). Getting the annual Christmas pic sends our family into a kamikaze nosedive which makes all of us act out in front of America's finest customers. Mr B becomes a domineering drill sergeant; I become a frazzled harpy; big kid becomes sullen and whiney; and lil brother runs amok and touches everything he shouldn’t which causes Mr B to bark orders…which causes me to bitch at Mr B…which causes big kid to whine about how hot his sweater is making him…which causes lil brother… you get the idea. No picture on earth is worth all this hell. So the last year that I put the boys in matching sweaters, big kid walked 50 feet behind us so that others would not correctly assume he had a lil brother with the same sweater, Mr B got all pushed out of joint about big kid’s attitude, the photographer started talking baby talk which mortified big kid which ramped up lil brother like a baby high on hot chocolate which caused me to fight with Mr B. So when the phone in the studio rang and the photographer ran to grab it, Mr B said some very threatening things to all of us (which I will not repeat), grabbed the camera, and threatened to beat @ss if anyone moved a hair out of line, and actually took the most amazing Christmas pic we’ve ever gotten. The photographer was actually a little confused when she returned and we were all packed up, but no one said a word because Mr B still meant business. And of course big kid walked 50 feet behind us all the way through a crowded Wal-Mart parking lot hoping that everyone would assume he was an orphan who could handle things on his own. So that was the B—family swan song for matchy-matchy and the organized Christmas pic. And honestly-we are better people for putting the matchy-matchy madness to rest.