Havin' It All

I'm gonna confess: I'm a pretty lucky gal. Mr B has worked his @ss off in order for me to have nice things. Now-don't get me wrong. I'm no spoiled princess. I work for a livin'...because I have to. It's not about saving the world. It's about having a roof over the babies' heads. And ya'll know that I'm bending at the waist picking crap up off the floor over here. (I digress...) However, one of things that really makes Mr B a standout kinda guy is he's ALWAYS striving to make my wishes come true. And this year has been a red letter year with diamonds, a convertible, and a trip to the beach (yes, we are broke; I ain't gonna lie).

In spite of all this...I'm not satisfied. There is ONE LIL THING Mr B will not give me-in spite of my fiery temper, my logical recriminations, or silent hostility. He WILL NOT admit that my deviled eggs are BETTER than his sister's. In my defense-my deviled eggs are just as well prepared AND delicious-dammit. Ya'll I have tried every evil trick in the book, and he will not give me this one lil thing. S'riously-I actually give him the evil eye every time he eats a deviled egg. Do you know how many mad cookouts that makes for?!? Suggestions for breaking a man of ill-fated opinions are clearly welcomed here at blither blather headquarters-ASAP. We are 6 hours away from deviled egg kick off...

Aside: I actually had a friend who got so mad at her husband for bragging on his mother's mashed potatoes that after the company departed, she had a Come-to-Jesus with the mister and SWORE it would be a cold day in hell before she made his favorite again. And she has yet to make them to this day...

Topless

This summer I am going topless! Being stared out by strangers is really not so bad-and kinda exciting! And so far there have been no negative repercussions. Until it started raining on my way home, and I had to swerve into a gas station and button up the top before zipping back down the road. I wish someone would have told me sooner how much fun "topless" really is!!!

“A girl in the convertible is worth five in the phone book.”
Mae West

Calling Mr Clean

So this morning I put laminate floor cleaner....in the dishwasher. And of course 1/2 the bottle glugged out because it was so liquidy...unlike the thick glop of normal dishwasher soap. So I had to use a whole roll of paper towels to mop out the freakin' dishwasher-like who cleans out the inside of a dishwasher for %$#@ sakes?!?! And this was supposed to be a quiet, restful zen morning... oh, hell!

Mr Clean needs to get his @ss over here...pronto. He is kinda hot, isn't he...???

Non Sequitors

It's been a pleasure having big kid grounded from the computer. Getting to use my own computer without negotiating is a downright luxury. I think I'll start arbitrarily grounding him more often...

My most hated errands have now become a joy....since I'm cruising around in a convertible! Overheard Mr B telling lil brother, "Now maybe she'll go to the grocery store more than once a month." We'll see...

I'm making a pasta bake, buttered corn, and a salad to take to a friend who is "down in the back." I have been in her shoes and know what an ornery bitch you can become when you can't even get out of the bed-let alone stand. Of course the problem with being an ornery bitch (hard to imagine there could be a down side to that) is needing someone to wipe your butt because you can't reach around and do it yourself and having to play nice to get the job done. Lord, have mercy... who wouldn't take over a casserole for that?!?

Babies: According to Mark Twain

Mark Twain, the American humorist, always tickles my funny bone. His candid and acerbic observations make him an American jewel. Since summer is here and I have more time to fritter (than usual), I plan to share some of my favorites for your amusement.

Without further ado...

BABIES
Sufficient unto the day is one baby. As long as you are in your right mind don't you ever pray for twins. Twins amount to a permanent riot; and there ain't any real difference between triplets and a insurrection.
- The Babies speech 1879

A baby is an inestimable blessing and bother.
- Letter to Annie Webster, 1876

Since I will be spending the summer with my own boys, I found this observation quite apropos.

It's A Wrap!

Lil brother reported that the last 2 hr day of school was "de best ever!" His reasoning? He ate a bellyful of donuts; Mrs W let him bring in his gas mask to show the class; all the kids chased him around the room screaming; and Mrs W gave hugs to everybody!

Kickoff to summer...and SCORE!!!

Surprise!!!

This is what Mr B rolled up with in front of our house yesterday ev'nin...FOR ME!!! I wish I could say I earned it...or deserved it. And I am completely overwhelmed and thrilled and beside myself with joy. I barely slept a wink last night. Call me a midlife crisis. I gladly OWN it! Of course I will be zipping by your house any minute now to pick you up. So have your sunblock and hat ready!!!

Summer's here OFFICIALLY-and I'm hitting the road!

Dear Abby...

I was (shamelessly) spying/reading big kid's facebook. And mostly it was just super excited kids sounding off about summer and last night's school dance. As I'm trolling through the typical middle school yadda-yadda, I stumble across this 6th grade girl's posting about how no boy likes her, how she asks them out all the time and they always reject her, how she's not included, and she's gonna die of loneliness. Well. I tried to walk away. Really. But I couldn't. What woman could walk away from the fragile, vulnerable, young girl who had just exposed herself to the ruthless realities of life in the middle school fast lane? So I quickly typed a reply that middle school is a blip on the radar, how really you CAN live without boys and that being yourself is the best medicine against loneliness, and then topped it off with a sympathetic 'hang in there.' Then I hit submit. With big kid's profile pic right beside my womanly words of wisdom. ...Oops... Not sure I'm gonna break the news to him that he's the official Dear Abby of the lonely hearts middle school girl's club.

But at least there's a young girl out there who knows someone noticed and paid attention. Growing up sure ain't easy...

Bed Bug

As part of his "reward" for being such an awesome soccer player this spring (2nd highest team scorer and best goalie with caboodle's of saves!), Mr B promised lil brother a milk shake....and a sleep over in mama's big comfy bed (Mr B graciously took the guest room). Of course lil brother was thrilled to get the "man" side of the bed, all those stacked up mushy pillows, and a wide open king size space to roll around in. I even let him hold the remote control. We did have an issue over choosing our TV show. I told him this was MY room, MY bed, and MY TV, and if he didn't like it then he could leave. So he grudgingly capitulates and hands over the remote for the channel change as he mumbles under his breath, "Man! I feel sorry for dad!" (I roll my eyes and ignore this. No sympathy on that front). However I did compromise some, and we watched The Food Network as opposed to the millionth episode of House Hunters (although lil brother is excellent at picking the buyer's chosen house). Since lil brother has never in his life been a parental bed bug (we almost lost the battle with big kid and managed to get him out of our bed in time for middle school), I wasn't sure what to expect of lil brother's sleeping style. As you might expect he snored like a bear cub and slept with arms and legs and toes on my side. At one point I sat up in bed and demanded, "What's wrong?!?" To which he sleepily replied, "Dus laughin' at funny stuff." Night laughing is very creepy, ya'll... So although sleeping with a bear cub is cute and adorable and a totally worth it once in a lifetime opportunity-I'm starting the day off pretty exhausted.

Being popular with boys does have some drawbacks.

Bad Baby

My friend G reported that our young mom friend is having discipline difficulties with her toddler. Her toddler-barian is dragging the baby by its head and arms whenever she turns her back. My friend G has a theory about this: ain't enough spankin' going on in that house. And I have to agree. Reasoning with a toddler can't be done. They ain't right in the head. No sense discussin' it. Every mother in the history of the human race has tried it-to no effect. But you wear out a bad-baby's bottom-and voila!-sanity returns. I personally have never met a Southern-pacifist-mom. And frankly my dear... well, you know how this story ends.

AGONY

Lil brother thought today was Saturday. It's Friday. So I had to go upstairs to break the bad news. He's sprawled on his favorite sunken couch in the bonus room with his hand in his boxers enjoying cartoons when I deliver THE DEATH SENTENCE. His screech/squeal/groan/cry of RAGE, DESPERATION, and AGONY was heart wrenching. I really felt for the kid-truly. In the marrow of my bones. School is this never ending grinding mechanism that crushes bones and shreds souls. Laws ya'll... we gotta free the babies!

Nirvana

I have found my Nirvana. And I didn't even know I that was looking for it. The new grey yoga capri pants I bought at Wal-Mart for $13 get all the credit. Of course going to Wal-Mart sans lil brother pestering me probably helped also. I was feeling so calm and peaceful about getting to push the cart where-ever I wanted to without having to fight extra hands that I got my brows waxed afterwards (and some other stuff too...). And my stylist changed my normal brunette to auburn. So I am now one with the universe, and the universe is one with me. I am totally feeling all loose and groovy and ready to get my chill on.

In order to preserve this state of being, I have decided that I will be wearing my new grey capri yoga pants Every. Single. Day. through July 31st as a symbol of my freedom and liberation from the tyranny of working for a livin'. And I don't give a damn what anyone thinks about it either.

BTW-Muse Girl and I will be mixing up a few pitchers of peach sangria next week for some gal pals. Keep your eyes peeled for the upcoming recipe!

School Prayer

...I'm just running around over here like a chicken with its head cut off. Please, Lord....let it BE OVER.

A-men.

Eye Candy

Enjoy! We're almost there...!

Hit the Road Jack

After chatting with a friend who is having some serious marital issues, we finally came to this agreed upon conclusion: there ain't no pill for fixin' @sshole.

Hit the road, Jack! And don't you come back no more no more no more no more... Ray Charles

Lottery

So I capitulated and agreed to allow lil brother to have a spend the night party at our house with neighborhood kids once school is officially over. And of course the guest list rocketed off within seconds of take off. Then came lil brother's brilliant idea. "Hey! Since it's summer, they can spend TWO nights!" And I blanched. "ABSOLUTELY NOT." Not one to give up easily, lil brother pipes up, "Hey! We can have a basket of names. And in de morning we'll draw names and de winner can spend another night!!!"

Credit where credit is due: that IS an exciting idea-for your house. But I'm not running a spend-the-night lottery over here at blither blather headquarters. Besides the odds are totally not in my favor. Nor do I intend to be the boy-party house on the block. In spite of lil brother's better efforts.

Clueless

So big kid's first "real" 6th grade "relationship" has crashed and burned. It lasted about 3 weeks-which was a week longer than I figured it to anyway. I learned about the break-up the same way I learned about his "relationship" status-via Facebook. Do you know what a shocker it is to be in your bathrobe-pre 6 AM-taking your first sip of moring brew when this news slams through your fuzzy morning fugue??? Trust me-you're gonna have a coffee burn and a carpet spill to clean afterwards.

I'd like to say that big kid handled the break-up news gallantly. But he didn't. He was Pissed. And Indignant. So much so that he posted "The Truth" on Facebook so all his friends would know that A- was a liar and a cheat. Let's just say that when he stumbled down the stairs in his boxers in search of cereal-he and I had to have a lil chat about relationship "truths." Big kid was very skeptical about this whole idea of protecting girls' reputations in spite of their bad behavior. But true to his Puritan nature, forgiveness and common decency won out and big kid deleted the posting-without my having to demand it. Still-seeing A's mother at the neighborhood event-Awkward.

So just as I was beginning to relax after dodging the first "relationship break-up" bullet, I learned-via Facebook-that big kid is in another "relationship"... this time with the daughter of the chemistry teacher at my school. Oh, lord... Facebook is gonna be the end of me.

Housewife Fever

Ok-Ya'll know that I'm crazy about watching all those Bravo Housewives. Just love all that drama! Not gonna lie... So now that New Jersey is on Monday and New York is finishing up on Thursday-I'm in hog heaven!!! Which is also the reason I've had insomnia this week. All the drama is winding me up tighter than a tick. And of course I'm been stalking the blogs... So for those of you who watch too, here are a few of my reactions:

New Jersey Cast:
Danielle is a piece of work and a pot stirrer (Southern for crazy @ss b*tch). Watching her use her daughter's new found modeling success as a way to glorify herself is sickening. A mother who will steal the limelight from her daughter is an ego-maniac. Her preening is pathetic and disturbing. And why throw a party to celebrate your daughter's successful debut-and then not include the child??? Outrageous! Having open chairs for guests who have declined your invitation and then announcing it and putting your guests on the spot to declare allegiances?!?! WTF... TACKY is not even the half of it... Looks like next week Teresa is gonna hunt her down and put her hands on her. Can't wait! Love those other gals, btw!!!

New York Cast:
Ramona is growing on me! Who knew...??? I thought she was sweet, fun, and adorable hostessing her tropical girls getaway. And I love how sincere she is about her love for her husband. She's a hoot when she's drinking, too. Nice to see her chilled, relaxed, and genuinely friendly.

Bethenny seemed fragile and tense-understandably with the death of her estranged father. And to give her credit-she was really toeing the line with Kelly. It was actually a breath of fresh air to see Bethenny refraining from her one line zingers and her lightning strike snarkiness. She seemed to really want/need peace which made Kelly's outrageous attacks on her appear unjustified-and yes,insane. Although Kelly is a bubble brain, you could tell that she had premeditated this attack plan to put Bethenny in her place and give her a piece of her mind-I smell a Jill here, do you??? Insisting on calling Bethenny a "cook" instead of a chef?!? Calling her a ho-bag??? Kelly really went for the jugular without provocation, and we the viewer just couldn't make sense of the attack-or condone it. A woman who is pregnant and who has just suffered the painful loss of a parent-deserves a break. In classic Housewife style: I am DONE with Kelly.

Livin' on a Prayer

...the important things in life...

JOY!!!!

I'm feelin' intense JOY over here at blither blather headquarters (I know-a lil scary, huh???) Only 3 more days with students!!! Then I'm FREEEEEEEEEEE!!! YIPEEEEE!!!!

that's all folks...

...this is 'bout all I can summon the energy for...

...at a meeting...really

Ya'll-the merry month of May has more meetings packed into it than...well...I dunno. All I can say is Mr B and I are running ourselves ragged this month. Every afternoon we rush home, grab a kid, and run in opposite directons. When this crazy pace settles down, I'll make up more nonsense for us to think/snark about. I thought about telling ya'll about my neighbor who bragged about all her Mother's Day loot at the pool... but all ya'll were probably just as "spoilt" too-so you'd just think I was being bitchy...which ususally doesn't stop me... but oh well, better (bitchier) stories are coming. Once these meetings stop!

Hang on-summer's swingin' around the bend! ...Oh law, ya'll!!!

btw-lovin' those New Jersey housewives on Monday nights on BRAVO. These gals will atually put their hands on each other...can't wait for more!!!

Mother's Day

God could not be everywhere, so he created mothers. ~Jewish Proverb

Some mothers are kissing mothers and some are scolding mothers, but it is love just the same, and most mothers kiss and scold together. ~Pearl S. Buck

Grown don't mean nothing to a mother. A child is a child. They get bigger, older, but grown? What's that suppose to mean? In my heart it don't mean a thing. ~Toni Morrison, Beloved, 1987

An ounce of mother is worth a pound of clergy. ~Spanish Proverb

Little Miss

Wandered over to chat with the new neighbors at the pool last night. As I approached, the new kindergarten Little Miss (in a wet bathing suit and scowl) sizes me up and down and before I can even say, "Hello!" demands, "Who are YOU?" This lil baggage's bold as brass demand halts me dead in my spot. And before I can reply, the pool moms quickly give her my credentials. Well-I had no intention of letting Little Miss be the boss of me or getting away with that kind of impertinence. So I lean in, look her dead in the eye and with sweet malevolence ask, "Who are YOU?" And she responds, "I'm not telling YOU!" And I quip, "Well-I already know YOUR name and its [Little Miss]! So there!" With squinched up eyebrows and scowl, Little Miss gets ready to deliver her next line when her mom throws a towel on her and hustles her out the gate. It was all I could do not to stick my tongue out at her. But honestly-I really wanted to jerk her up by the armpit and wear her out. A spankin' on a wet bottom will cause you to remember a thing or two.

BTW-No Southern chile has ever attempted this kind of repartee with an adult and survived.

...I'm not done with Little Miss.

Taking Sides

The Real Housewives of New York City
Sometimes you just gotta pick a side. And right now-I think Jill Zarin is being a total unnecessary bitch. I mean-how many times did Behthenny try to call/contact/work it out with her? But Jill's arrogant pride and Manhattan size chip on her shoulder just kept playing out the spoiled brat-mean girl drama. I don't blame Bethenny for being DONE. And when Alex finally delivers the "We're Done!" message and Jill falls apart and is sad and embarrassed??? Puh-leazzze! Give me a break. Jill is such a hypocrite... If you're gonna dish, get ready for a serving. I also loved how Alex (with guns blazing!)laid into her at that party! Sometimes you gotta call a spade-a-spade. And Jill has been a mean mouthed back stabber the whole season who deserved a dose of her own medicine. When Alex confesses that she is fed up with Jill criticizing her home, husband, and children for the past 3 years-and Jill smugly responds, "Well, that's just who I am as a friend!" I wanted to smack her head off-literally. What the hell-kinda-friend is that?!? Down here in the south-we call that...an enemy!

And who needs a "friend" who criticizes every aspect of your intimate life such as your home, husband, children, attire, grammar, and for crying out loud-even your e-vites??? Jill Zarin is more toxic than an oil spill. And she deserves every ounce of honesty that comes her way.

Millie Pebbles

Lil brother doesn't like to admit this publicly...but his best friend...is a girl! Her name is Millie Pebbles, and they've been friends since they were in pre-school. Millie Pebbles has actually been a big help to me. In kindergarten-she actually knew kids' names (unlike lil brother who could only remember just her name)-and would give reports on who was bad that day-and could even repeat verbatim what the teacher said to the miscreant. With the spirit of helping lil brother become a better man, Millie Pebbles gave a fairly accurate accounting of lil brother's demotion from the Polar Bear table to the Grizzly table-for all kinds of infractions that he could never seem to remember. And lil brother never, ever got mad at her.

Millie Pebbles also tries to get lil brother to do his homework after school in the teacher workroom while the moms are still busy teaching. Lil brother politely listens-but never obeys. Once she's done with her homework, then lil brother convinces her to play with the paper cutter, make forts under the tables, dig in the faculty fridge and eat French Club's crepes, and draw gory, graphic pictures of sharks eating zombies. Millie Pebbles loves to draw bloody pictures while sharing a spoon and devouring a tub of cool whip (btw-neither moms are French teachers...oops!).

Millie Pebbles and lil brother are kinda like an old married couple. Millie Pebbles sometimes gets so mad at lil brother that her whole face swells into a pink balloon. Lil brother can never seem to understand what he's done to make her mad-its all a mystery to him. But nothing makes lil brother more miserable than the rare day that Millie Pebbles is not in the work room after school. Not even making random copies on the copy machine can cheer him up. These are the only days that lill brother will even consider doing his homework (sadly) in the work room. Nothing sadder than a lil 'ol man who's missing his partner in crime.

Although there are more lil brother-Millie Pebbles workroom adventures I could tell-I feel obligated to protect the young and (mostly) innocent. And besides-I'm trying real hard to forget the incident of the box of toothpicks and the Lexmark printer...

Drag-Ass Wednesday

This 4 day weekend (flood related) has "spoilt" me to summer and lazy days. Gotta drag-ass back to school...and can barely get up the momentum. Lawd....let it end.

Why is it that more time off-only makes you more tired???

All Good Pool Monitors Go to Heaven

All you old time-blither blather'ers will recall that last year I was the pool monitor (ie: pool slut) at my neighborhood watering hole. After a season of being trapped under a cabana (when all I wanted to do was spend some quality time with my dirty laundry in air conditioning), I threw in the towel (literally). Well-the pool opened yesterday. And with a spirit of joie de vivre (knowing I could go home anytime I wanted), I was totally ready to claim my lounge chair and mind my own bid'ness.

Here's how the hour went:
1. opened the gate for those who couldn't work the pulley contraption
2. agreed to watch another mom's kid
3. told kids to stop running-and told them again-and again...
4. gave big kid a fierce lecture on how NOT to use a noodle
5. comforted & cajoled a young'un who was totally freaked out by the freezing temps
6. collected pool noodles from all the kids who could not use them without violence
7. discussed pool bands and operating hours with two ladies
8. ran interference when a kid fight erupted over the pool torpedo
9. checked for blood at said fight and demanded apologies from all parties
10. talked to pool-boy about floating bugs and pumps and suggested an inexpensive way to safety-proof the slippery deck with a pool committee member

And yes...I AM retired. Really. So today-I'm gonna wrap my head in a towel. And I'm not talking to a-n-y-b-o-d-y!

Spoilt-Southern Style

This picture is what we Southerners refer to as "spoilt." Since school was cancelled for flooding today, I caught the Good Child taking his morning sun nap... ON MY COUCH. And trust me-he knows the rules-and it ain't allowed (pardon the grammatical error-that's how serious I am 'bout this infraction). But because he is the only critter in my house who will actually spend time with me while I'm stuck doing laundry-he got off-scott free. Ya'll know that if my human chil'ren (or their friends) disrespected my furniture, I would whip 'em all. So I'm not apologizing for letting my "spoilt" child bend the house rules.

Which validates this unspoken Southern fact of life:
Southern mammas always have a favorite chile.

Flood of 2010

Lord willing and the creek don't rise... our back 40


Lil brother, C-man, and Big Kid hang out at Fort Fisher. Not even the worst flood in decades could hamper the war games...

Perk: No school on Monday!!!

Flood of 2010

Super Saver! Ice Box!

Lady Luck LOVES me!!!

My two betting picks for the KY Derby...came in first AND second!!! One shy of a trifecta... Nothing better than walking away with other people's money stuffed in your Derby hat. Roses to Super Saver and Ice Box!!! How's that for hanging out in the winner's circle???

Mr B is convinced that I need to go buy a lottery ticket-ASAP. Cause every down-on-his-luck Irish devil knows that luck comes in threes. Good thing I don't live close to a track...

Watch Your Language

Mr B took lil brother and me out for milkshakes after our Friday afternoon errands. Upon discovering that he had been shorted a considerable chunk of change from the $50 he had given the kid at the window, he uttered a panicked expletive.

Lil brother: "Hey! You're not 'posed to say THAT when I'M in the car!"

True enough. Lil brother knows enough bad words as is. His current fav is "whoop ass" which he learned at the neighborhood yard sale last week when he read it on a 6 pack of redneck beer. I have to watch him like a hawk because he loves to casually drop this one into polite conversation at unexpected times. Like when we were at Wal Mart and I was picking out beer for the Derby party. And he announces to the crowded shoppers in my aisle, "Whoop Ass beer is better."

Mr B and I shuffled ourselves down the aisle so people wouldn't think he was our kid.

...whatcha gonna do...???