Lost inTranslation

I told lil brother THREE TIMES:
"GO.CLEAN.YOUR.ROOM.NOWWWWWWW!"

This is What He Heard:
Go get your infrared Nerf machine gun and chase the cat through the house and pelt her with foam bullets 'cuz your mother loves to talk to herself about stupid stuff that no one wants to do anyway.

Mom Proclamation:
NO.COOKIES.FOR.YOU.EVVVVVVVVVVVERRRRRRRR!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!

Career Change

I used to think I wanted to be a librarian. That is until I went in to my local waxing spot for a lil touch up (really, it was just a stray hair...or two...ahem). Anyhoo...! After less than 6 (very tense) minutes of being slathered and smeared in hot wax then ruthlessly having skin and hair ripped off by an indifferent and bored teenager (who spoke not a single word during the entire torture session), I walked outta there with sweat rings under my armpits, pupils dilated, my BP topping the charts, and a swollen, inflamed, hairless face. For all practical purposes, I'd been mauled by a disinterested grizzly bear. And you know the amazing thing about this whole eerie experience??? I actually tipped the girl, who just nodded her thanks since she was busy texting (which I had rudely interuppted by walking into the store). Now who wouldn't want to be a waxing dominatrix when they grow up?!? Getting to take out all your passive-aggressive frustrations on the poor fools who come in there and ASK for it-AND throw money at you!-has gotta be the most stress free and rewarding occupation out there. Sign me up...

Somoas: The Reason February Exists at All

I ate 5 of these yesterday. By myself. When no one was looking. And I crammed them in my mouth in a frenzy and stood in the darkened pantry in total salivating NIRVANA. These cookies are the SIREN of all cookies. They will NOT be ignored. Even if you hide them in the freezer behind the spinach. They will GET to you. So yes, I do believe in extraterrestial life.

PS: This cookie is the only reason that I will not send the letter (that I have already written) to my local state rep's office asking them to legally abolish the Seasonal Dysfunctional Month of February. Really, who NEEDS February? Scew it. Divide the 28 days, give 'em to another worthy month (like June and July) and be DONE with it. But then the Girl Scouts (in their wicked marketing strategy to RULE THE EARTH) would deny us this heaven sent gift from the cookie gods...so we're stuck, people. February stays...all in part to the machiavellian Somoa cookie. YOU WIN!

On Living with Boys

The house pounds with stomping and the shrieks of battle cries as a full on Nerf War wages upstairs in the boy quarters. The thumps are startling and flinch inducing. But I bite my tongue and let it play out because I have learned that it only prolongs the battle crazed madness when mom frustrates raging warriors from whacking their best friend in the face with a plastic mace. My only goal is to keep the blood loss at a minimum. And I have checked-I have plenty of Scooby-Doo band-aids in the cabinet. Also, the "warriors" know that if they are accused in a war tribunal (with mom as judge, jury, and executioner) and found guilty of giving no quarter to a fallen "enemy"-then hell hath no fury like a righteous mother defending a 3rd grader who is balled up in the fetal position while screaming like a little girl.

So even though my nerves are a little frayed, and I am honestly a little anxious for their safety, I let it continue because boys MUST practice being heroes and warriors-in the safety of their own nest. I believe that boys are God-designed for these roles, and if we want good men in this world, they have to learn how to lead a charge, to be dedicated to one's cause, to show mercy and restraint to an enemy, to find the courage to face opponents who might be bigger or tougher, that having your "brother's" back is paramount, and at the end of a fight be held accountable-above all else-for using his powers for GOOD... And yes, all this with plastic swords. Mothering boys is not for the faint at heart...

Bad Timing

So I decide to start a new diet...on Feb 14th...which is also the day the girl scout cookies arrive What was I thinking?!? @#$! And then today a pair of sweet students bring me a warm, oozing cinnamon roll.... ARGH!!!! The universe is out to get me. And it's putting blood in one eye and piss in the other. But so far I am holding steady on day two. Now if I can just survive the work luncheon tomorrow.

Shopping Mecca

Mr B forked over some birthday cash, so lil brother and I went out shopping for girlie stuff. And I have to say, he was a good sport about wandering through JCP and Charlotte Russe and Forever 21 and New York & Co (I know, there oughta be a kick back for all this advertising, right?!?). Of course we had a pit stop at Chick-fil-A and at one point in the mall he says, "My tummy is getting hot..." And sure enough his eyes were a little glazed over... Which meant that a man-intervention was needed, so I bought him a diet coke and put in Game Stop for a quick game of shoot & kill-em. Then off to Charming Charlies... Laws y'all!!! I had NO IDEA that CC's was the MECCA of JINGLY JANGLY. I opened the door....and choirs of heavenly angels were fist pumping to a techno beat in a multi-colored riot. Lil brother and I just stood rooted in out spots in total wonder. And as I stood transfixed, a miraculous revelation of truth and beauty was made known to all womankind: this is what heaven is gonna be like. Y'all, we're gonna be rushing God at the counter with fistfuls of beads...all for under $12.99!

Local Teacher in News

So the local news featured a second grade teacher who had (ahem...allegedly) parked her car crooked in the street, waved a gun in the faces of 2 people who owed her money, and was in possession of a baggie of pills under her car seat. So what's the big deal?!? Sounds perfectly reasonable to me. Give this poor woman an f'in B-R-E-A-K. Teaching other people's irritating kids will make you want to pop a pill or two...or three...even on a good day. You try getting people to do what you want and you'd wave a gun in somebody's face too after repeatedly making the same request in a reasonable voice...all on teacher pay. Word to the Wise: Don't try and pinch pennies with a teacher...you ain't gonna win. This ol' gal (who is getting long in the tooth and pretty close to retirement-bless her) even had the decency and common sense to conduct her unorthodox bid'ness outside her own county so folks in her own parts wouldn't have to worry unnecessarily. Mighty kind of her, in my book. So that might make her a criminal in another county...but a misunderstood hero in her own.

Moral: Listen to your teacher...the first time.

Confessions

Lil brother got on an anti-smoking conversation-kick while we were driving around town. "Olivia's backpack smells like smoke and the kids on the bus don't want to sit by her...Dalton has to put his shirt over his nose because his house is FILLED with smoke...das so sad to have to live dat way...and Paris's dad dus smokes a lil in the garage but only when he's stressed out, so das not too bad..."

Me: "Wait a minute! How do you know all this stuff?" My mom antennae is pinging like crazy, wheels turning... "Are you all telling your teacher all this stuff?!?" I ask incredulously.

Lil brother: "Yeah-we talk 'bout it in guidance all de time."

I tell you what, those elementary teachers know all the juicy details on their kids' parents. It's enough to make one, well...paranoid. So I gave lil brother the low-down: he better not be discussing my bid'ness with any of his teachers cause I sure don't want some stranger parents who I will never meet feeling sorry for me!

Aren't You Glad Your Mom's HOTTER Than a Super Model?!?

Since losing a modest amount of weight, I treated myself to a new (and necessary!) pair of smaller jeans and winter jacket. So I holler at the boys to get ready for my big modeling reveal where I promptly jump out and perform my Aren't You Glad Your Mom's Hotter Than A Super Model! dance off in the foyer-much to their admiration and collective compliments. And big kid says, "WOW, mom! You look GREAT! And not just because dad always tells me to say that!" Now THAT'S a compliment, folks. In spite of the fact that I had to really work it. Whew! I have a new appreciation for girls on poles...After about 20 seconds into it, the fun and thrill is O-VER.

Emerson Said it First

A friend sent this to me as a tribute to lil brother's personal philosophy of 'swept away' living: according to him, the previous day's frustrations and hassles are null and void and therefore moot points not worthy of being revisited...imagine that?!? (see Homework Drama posting).

EMERSON: Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.

Laws'a mercy! Who knew that EMERSON and lil brother were kindred brohiems?!?

And for the record, I just adore old, dead white guys!

At Peace...a freakin' miracle...

I'm not really sure what my deal is. Usually I am a whole lot bitchier by now. For the record-I have always hated February-even though it's my b-day month (a sucky one at that)-but this year I'm kinda feelin' like Stella when she got her groove back. This is the first time on record that I haven't felt like telling February to hurry up and f*ck off. Maybe it's all those snow days we got and only having to work a total of 12 days in January. Sweet relief! And I hate to say this-but I also think it's because I exercised every day in January. I know, right?!? Who knew?!? Bet ya'll never pegged me for an exercising type, huh??? But I guess all those exercise freaks really do know a thing or too... go figure. I still hate them, though. Anyhoo... So I just thought I'd let ya'll know that I'm really enjoying this newfound freedom from homicidal thoughts and irrational hair trigger episodes of pissiness and am strangely at peace with winter.

That is until spring fever hits...