Puke & Barf

When I looked at the boys' potty yesterday... omgah.... BA-SCUSTING!!!...as in instant puke & barf. Ever been to a 1970's KOA campground right off the interstate??? Well frankly my dears, that woulda been preferable...

Lil brother and I made a deal prior to our cleaning: I would not yell like an obsessed screaming banshee demon, and he wouldn't be a disappearing, lazy no good whiney butt. Miraculously we both sucked it up....mostly. Afterwards, we took a vote to see who was the deal winner. Interestingly enough, we each voted for ouselves. Go figure... So glad we've got the once a year once-over OVER!

Update & Kissing Cousins Recipe

I've been absent from blither blather headquarters lately due to my very busy and uber-hectic social life (totally braggin' here). As in four nights in a row-which technically makes me a party slut (totally braggin' here). Who knew my dance card could fill up so quickly??? Truth be told, the forty-sumpin party crowd is pretty lame with worrying about work in the morning, getting the kids in bed, and answering work emails that keep popping up on their phones-a total buzz kill, right??? Sadly I'm feeling a little rode hard and put up wet from the past four nights of "partying" which is pathetic considering the events were low key adult functions where only modest amounts of alcohol were consumed and no clothes were removed (sigh...). Right now I'm clutching the coffee mug with raccoon eyes like I just woke up on the sticky floor of a bar at 5 AM when the lights were suddenly turned on by the cleaning crew. So today I'm gonna wrangle the troops to church (i.e. shove Mr B and lil brother's heathen butts through the door) and then drag Mr B to the pool for a sunshine nap. I am determined that we will not blind other beach-goers on our upcoming beach vacay.

A few more yawn-worthy notes of no importance:

1. I need to muck out lil brother's room....but godamighty! I sure am dreading it...the sweating and hollerin' is gonna be epic.
2. Big kid ended his 7th grade year with honor roll and a new girl friend-who is gone all summer. Perrrrrrfect!!!!
3. Mr B and I are going on a 5 day diet....that might lead to our divorce. Stay tuned...

Since you have so kindly and patiently read this yawn worthy post, here is a lil prize for you!!!

Kissing Cousins Recipe (close kin to the Pink Panty Pull Down):
2 quarts of red wine
4 cans frozen juice (lime, orange, pineapple, pink lemonade)
Sprite

Mix all ingredients and VOILA! you have a perfect summer punch!

Cheers to Summer!!!

Marital Advice

Norman Rockwell painting
I was recently asked to write a piece of marital advice for a young whippersnapper on his impending nuptials. So I kept it brief. Cause we all know there are some things worth discovering on your own... Here's what I wrote: "Apologize first and often. That should just about do it." What I wanted to say (but didn't have the courage to put a wordy dird in the uber-cute wedding scrapbook) was this: All marital fights can be amended when THE HUSBAND utters this simple sentence-"I'm sorry I'm an asshole." You'd think that a man could remember this due to its simplicity. But we all know they're gonna mess this up with their reasons and rationale and ridiculous 'splaining. And by the way, fairness and justice and being RIGHT has nothing to do with anything. Simply put: you can take the long way or you can take the short way but their ain't no short cuts. There's no closing the barn door on maritial disharmony UNTIL that sentence gets spoken-BY THE HUSBAND. It's so simple...you'd think a cave man could do it...

Zombie Report-Part Deux

Big kid quote of the day regarding his new book Zombie Survival Guide:

BK: "Other than the bible, this is the most useful book EVER! I mean what are you gonna learn from Harry Potter?!?"

Me: .....Alrighty then...!

Summer Reading

So this is the book that big kid has chosen for his summer reading. When I saw it I naturally snorted in good humor. Really?!? Upon further perusal of my $15 investment (I know, RIGHT?!? The zombies' accountant must be thrilled.) I discover it has real chapters, diagrams, appendixes, references, quotes, etc. I mean people are taking this !@#$ seriously. And big kid is no exception. I watched him at the book store for 20 minutes sitting in his armchair, drinking a tall blended coffee, reading with absolute intensity...and he never even snorted once. For two days now he has been ignoring the TV and video games in order to read this book and then later surfacing to give us important updates such as you will need a machete and sub machine gun when the zombies attack (items for the Christmas wish list); motorcycles are better getaway vehicles than trucks, etc. And he assures me that we will have to move upstairs, fill the bathtub with drinking water, destroy the steps, and hole up for three weeks to wait it out before we can run for safety. On the bright side that means I won't be able to do any laundry when the zombies land since downstairs is off limits, and I can force lil brother to muck out his bedroom with no means of escape which will give us all a reason to work for escape. I think I'm starting to get behind this whole zombie apocalypse now that I think about it. So I say, BRING IT!!! ...Big kid's got this covered.

FYI-I gave several copies of this book for graduation gifts. No harm in being prepared...

Cultural Confusion

Mr B barks orders to the troops to get them deployed on their yard work duties:

Mr B to lil brother: Go get on your shorts and work shoes!
Lil brother: ....but I wanna wear jeans (totally whining)...
Mr B: I SAID SHORTS! (in the voice of Darth Vadar).
Lil brother: (foolishly standing his ground) But the Mexicans wear jeans in the summer when they work.
Mr B: Hate to break it to ya, but you're not Mexican.
Lil brother: ......dang it.

And FYI-Mr B and I had our annual spring landscaping "disagreement" in the front yard in full view of the neighbors. We settled it with intense glares...and eventually getting my way...of course. However I did go to the grocery and buy him some Sam Adams to help the loss go down a lil smoother.

Ready for summer....officially!

Home Alone ...with New Wicker F*cker

So all the boys at blither blather headquarters are camping this weekend. Which means...yup, you guessed it! I AM HOME ALONE!!! But y'all it's never as romantic as you picture it. I actually had to go the gas station myself...AND PUMP MY OWN GAS!!! And we all know that's man work. Sigh... It is soooo irritating trying to figure out which side of the car the gas tank is on. Also the cat was annoying the damn dog in the early AM hours by walking near him (and breathing his air) so I had to fuss at them for getting on each other's nerves at 4:23 AM, then Murph (the good child) insisted on going outside like he was going to pee on the carpet any second, even though he and I both knew he just wanted to chase rabbits, so I got up to let him out...and then discovered there's no dogfood, dammit!... and that's Mr B's job, so there will be a grocery run in my future... and dang it! I next notice that the catbox is full... And did I say that Mr B was camping this weekend??? Sigh... but on the good news front: I did spend $12.25 at my friend's mother's yard sale!!! I got a giant wicker f*cker of a basket, 2 monkey pillows, a brass elephant picture holder, red mixing bowls, a chicken cookie cutter, and a set of mini alaphbet cookie cutters. I am absolutely ecstatic about my treasures. But I am sure Mr B is gonna be a little confused/irritated about the giant wicker f*cker taking up half the kitchen counter... But I am sure he can deal with it. Since I did pump my own gas this weekend.

Reality Check

It's Mother's Day...and in spite of the romanticized BS about honoring mothers, let's just keep it real and tell it like it is:

Today I have washed, folded, cleaned, dusted, wiped off, put away, picked sh*t off the floor, walked the dog, fed the cat, orchestrated, planned, traveled, explained, adjusted attitudes, decided, listened, referree'd, excercised, put-out, grocery shopped, and in other words-cracked the f'n whip. Thank you very much.

And there you have it, folks. Real life minus the romance.

Oh! But I did get a new computer! That everyone insists on using...

To my Sons on Mother's Day

Some mothers are kissing mothers and some are scolding mothers, but it is love just the same, and most mothers kiss and scold together. ~Pearl S. Buck
God could not be everywhere, so he created mothers. ~Jewish Proverb*

Dear Sons,
1. Remember you are God's sons first...mine second. But he did put in a clause that says you have to obey me...or else.
2. Even when I am yelling at you and have crossed over to the dark side: I STILL love you. Just don't turn your back or forget to say "Yes ma'am."
3. NEVER walk through a door in front of a lady. You are getting so much better at this. Thank you for honoring this small and subtle courtesy to all womankind. It will pay off one day.
4. All good things have been sanctioned by your mother. I just made your dad drive you there. So remember to thank the right person...who might be at home in the bathrobe.
5. I love you to the moon and back...and then again. And honestly wouldn't change a thing about this whole messy journey we are on together...but it still wouldn't kill you to pick up some of that $#@! in the hallway upstairs.

Love you ALWAYS!!!

Mom xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox