Quips

Norman Rockwell's Saturday Evening Post

Blither Blather headquarters is in full chaos mode with the demolition of our flooded floors (sigh...!).  The dust and trash is downright tragic.  Not to mention all our possessions are stuffed in random rooms and the odds of finding items like toe nail clippers, the cereal, Ben-Gay back rub, or stamps for the bills is nigh on impossible.  This too shall pass...  The nice worker man greets me at the butt crack of dawn with an embarrassed apology.  "Sorry ma'am, I meant to call before coming on over, but my mama was on the phone..."  And he squirms uncomfortably.  I assure him that's THE BEST excuse I've ever heard.  I'm even impressed, frankly.  E'rybody knows that when mama's on the phone, back the f* off!  She was pro'bly speculatin' and trash talking bout some of her relatives or neighbors.  And that sh*t is IMPORTANT.  Clearly my boybarians need more training in this department.

At lunch with lil brother the other day, he asks me what kinda job I would pick if I didn't have my current one.  I tell him I'd like to be a librarian since I LOVE books and organizing.  He is clearly unimpressed that anyone would care about such.  So he pressures me some more.  "OK-well, then, I would like to work in real estate since I love houses."  He quizzically assesses me and then says, "You need to work on your people skills then."  WTF???  I assure him I DO have people skills-which is rich coming from a barrel roller like him.  PPPfftttt.....

Today we are having lunch with the grandma brigade at the nursing home.  We plan to be there early.  Like 10:45 AM.  Cause the old folks ain't playing.  Grandmother assures us they serve real food there-with taste.  None of this healthy nonsense.  And the best chocolate pie...  Trust me:  I will be elbowing my way in.

Hope y'all are enjoying your local watering holes and the easy-breezy pace of summertime!

So it begins...

Lil brother is already riding my @ss, and summer has just begun.  I mean, he's no fool.  He knows that I'm the go-to-gal who makes sh*t happen over here at blither blather headquarters. I even hid behind a door today so just he'd leave me alone.  And don't think that having a year end zombie sleepover party with swimming and pizza and a camping tent gets me any points either.  This kid has plans.  And I'm supposed to execute them-chop chop-and on his timetable.  Laws, y'all...  Our annual summer time come-to-Jesus meeting with Mr B as resident hard @ss is on the horizon.

I got my summer time pedicure off my to-do list today.  This is one of my least fav chores.  Tiny Asian women with sharp implements and dead behind the eye glares really creep me out as they mutter guttural oaths and exchange sly glances over your poor, abused feet.  But I survived and managed to grit my teeth through the callous attack and cuticle stabbing procedure.  The result is a lovely, shiny red that Mr B thinks is super hottttttt!

On other news:  the house is a wreck; my bedroom looks like a teenager had a rave party in it;  I am on a quest for the Jergen's SPF/tanning lotion; I am having Mr B order the first season of Justified for our summer entertainment; and it took me 20 minutes to do a complete swim suit shave today.  Not sure why the female gorilla look is not en vogue this season...  Sigh!  Hope y'all are working on your vitamin D intake and applying lots of sunblock.

So that's it for now.  Hopefully I will have some poolside drama to report soon....stay tuned!

Joie de Vivre

All is groovy over here in blither blather land these days seeing as how I will be on hiatus from my day job very soon.  I am just leaking joie de vivre!  Kinda like an old, incontinent house cat with fresh catnip...  I get it:  this is not my usual bitterfest blather, but I'm gonna run with it after such a piss-n-vinegar fall/winter...  Bear with me, bitter friends:

Mr B and I had a lovely lunch date on Saturday (both boybarians were otherwise engaged-SCORE!).  I wore a new blue, over the knee, sleeveless cotton dress with yellow sandals and peacock earrings.  And my hair totally ROCKED!  Think Wonder Woman with her gold crown...  We had a lovely lunch at an Italian bistro and then went home so I could fulfill, ahem... a debt...  I will leave you with the ol' curtains flapping in the breeze imagery, but I will say this:  Afterwards Mr B was all "Holy sh*t!  Where'd you learn that?!?"  with a look of utter shock, mistrust, and new found respect.  And I just nonchalantly shrug and lean in so he can light my cigarette. 

FYI-

I never reveal my sources.  And I always pay my debts. 

Happy Freakin' Summer!

I'm ready to get my freakin' summer ON!!! Aren't you???

FYI-I'm gonna sneak-smoke cigs, read naughty books publically, take a few trips here-n-there, party with some groovy friends, stay up late watching mindless TV, lay by the pool trash texting, and mix up my fav party bevs while Mr B is the boss of the bbq. 

What could be better???

Happy Mother's Day!

Big kid:  "Mom's like the Supreme Court.  No one trumps her."  Isn't he gonna make a good husband one of these days???  Love that kid!

Lil brother to big kid:  "Mom says I'm winning the Mother's Day competition cuz I give the best hugs!"  Sure nuff.  He's the BEST hugger EVER.

Mr B and the boy-barians did a bang up job for Mother's Day.  We went out to lunch at Olive Garden which is one of their favorite places not necessarily mine-but I just didn't really care.  It was nice to be on a date with 3 groovy dudes.  We also stopped in at the bookstore so I could pick up Fifty Shades of Gray which is getting a lot of female attention.  I suspect it's gonna be a stupid and steamy S&M sappy romance novel (puke and barf), but I'm jumping on the wagon for a ride anyway.  This novel even inspired one of my MILF friends to enact a scene with her hubby-outside-in daylight!  Clearly, I gotta see what all the fuss is about.  If it's stupid and sophomoric, I promise to tell you so.  And if it's, ahem, inspiring-I'm sure I'll be too busy with Mr B to blog 'bout that.

Lastly, my fellas bought me a pink knock rosebush with some stained glass glow balls for my landscaping.  I am looking forward to appreciating my patio and yard all summer long!

I hope all you groovy moms have had lots of hugs and surprises from your own crew.  Happy Mother's  Day!

Projects

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F in Parenting

I don't know why I have been such a lazy, slacker 4th grade mom this past year.  I guess I could blame it on Mr B's grad school...  I mean, I did have to take on weekly irritatin' cub scout meetings and go to the the !#$f'n grocery store 139 times a week for gallons of disappearing milk, and I even had to pump my own gas on occasion...and we all know that's man work.  But honestly, the truth is, I just wasn't feeling it.  Riding lil brother's ass bout packets and AR tests and such is just, well, a pain in my ass.  I didn't even want to see his daily agenda with the teacher notes and reminders in it.  "Put it away!"  I would screech as if I might be turned into a pillar salt for looking at it.  Finally after ignoring his pleas for as long as I could, I would cave and resentfully sign off that I had glimpsed a few flyers-that I immediately threw in the garbage can.  I even had 4th grade mothers who would frantically text me, "OMG!  Did you study for the Indian tribes test???  Can you PLEASE email us the packet?!?"  And I would blithely respond, "What Indian tribes?  What packet?"  when I really wanted to text back, "Oh, for f**k's sake.  Give it a break, lady. The world will keep spinning.  Let the kid go to sleep."

So the truth is, yes, I was a little uninformed this year.  I missed the boat on some stuff, and lil brother got away with a bit of slacking, I'm sure.  But most importantly, I got to bypass the 4th grade freak out.  Ironically, lil brother even made honor roll and perfect attendance last marking period.    All by himself.  Not a lick of help from his mama.  That's one less baby hangin' from the teat, folks.  And surely that counts for sumpin'.

After Party

We had a BLAST at Mr B's graduation party! The weather was spot on perfect with a mild breeze and a big beautiful moon. We left the back door open so folks could wander out to the patio and fire pit, and the house was filled with fabulous folks eating, drinking, and laughing. Perfect energy and vibe! At one point lil brother with gas mask on runs through the house with a loaded Nerf weapon followed by his stampeding posse. Big kid and friends were uber chill throwing frisbee in the front yard and hanging with a couple of cute girls, and Mr B, wearing his graduation robe over his preppy plaid shorts, (yes, like a flasher) socialized with beer in hand... And of course every lady there was sporting cute outfits, lots of sparkly make up, and done up hair. There were even a couple of Mad Men moments involving cigarettes (gasp!) and hiding behind the neighbors house from the puritan chil'ren. Let's hope they never find out the ladies were doing "drugs"...laws!!! Let's just say that this was the kinda adult party that teenagers aspire too. And no, there were no pics taken or posted on FB. This was ol' school adult fun where memories with good friends are made and treasured-but no legal evidence can be used against you in a court of law. Take note, young'uns!

Lastly, this is how I know that Mr B's party was a giant success: I had to use my shoulder to squeeze through a tight gap in lil brother's doorway in order to wake him up for school.  Laws, y'all...the party fun for all was EPIC.

The fumes of this party are gonna get me through Monday.

Have a good one, y'all!

Cleaning Report

Y'all know I'm having a house party for Mr B's graduation, so y'all also know that means I'm gonna be cleaning like a m'er f'er over here at blither blather headquarters.  And if y'all know me even a smidge, you KNOW I ain't playin'.  I have told the boy-barians that there'd better NOT be any boogers on the wall.  Or chalk-poop-messages written on the driveway 'bout me.  Or hidden Pepsi cans under beds...and the list goes on infinitum.

So I jump outta bed before the crock crows this morning to get a head start on hell raising cleaning since we're also having company for the weekend..  Yes, I said "company."  Have y'all ever tried to pretend to be "nice" in front of "company"  when grinding out death threats behind clenched teeth while psycho smiling???  It takes special skills, is all I'm saying.  Anyhoo...   So I'm hustling and getting kids out the door and on the bus and dogs in the door and off the bus when Mr B suddenly appears bright eyed and bushy tailed...  eyeing me.  And I carry on:  @ss up in air picking his sh*t up off the floor mumble bitching under my breath with my hair in a frazzled knot... I shouldda known.  My friends assure me that a bent over  hostile, cleaning wife has the same effect as a professional strip tease at a gentleman's club-without the dollars bills, that is.  No need to carry on down that road...  So I quickly calculate the minutes that task is gonna take and figure I'm stripping sheets anyway and there a few extra chores I need to spring on him that I have not fully disclosed...so let's just say the cost/benefit analysis was in his favor.  And now, his @ss is MINE!!!

Rocked World

So at our nightly rendezvous on the back patio to enjoy the stars and honeysuckle, Mr B tells me that he got some news that cleaved his world asunder.  And he was not joking.  Dead serious.  He rubs his face, elbows on knees, head in hands.  "It's like someone told me the sky isn't blue anymore," he intones.  And I'm starting to get concerned, leaning forward in my chair, laser eye warming up...because I do not want MAN DRAMA f'ing up my zen right now...  And he interrupts these selfish thoughts to tell me, "David Lee Roth is GAY!"

Poor Mr B...  His hard rocking, pot smoking memories of ass kicking high school/college partying got a real kick in the @ss.  Men over 40 are in mourning across this great nation.  Mr B said he went through all the stages of grief-and keeps returning to denial.  He even Googled it and still didn't want to believe it.  One +40 sumpin man friend even said, "Do you think he just had too much of a good thing???"  And all the men agreed, there's no such thing as "too much of you-know-what."  Mr B just sits there in the dark, shaking his head, and mourning the loss of ery'thing he knew to be TRUE in his big-hair 80's past.

Like any sympathetic wife would, I patted him on the back, and then changed the subject back to important stuff like party planning for our weekend house party and all the chores we still have left to do.  I'm pretty sure the men will gather 'round the keg this weekend to commiserate and tell their stories.  I'll probably post a pic of the wake for later discussion.

Until then, ROCK ON!!!  As I am sure David Lee Roth is...