50 Shades...of Puke & Barf!

Mark Twain on reading novels:

I have no liking for novels or stories -- none in the world; and so, whenever I read one -- which is not oftener than once in two years, and even in these same cases I seldom read beyond the middle of the book -- my distaste for the vehicle always taints my judgment of the literature itself...and also of course makes my verdict valueless. Are you saying "You have written stories yourself?" Quite true: but the fact that an Indian likes to scalp people is no evidence that he likes to be scalped.
- letter to Bruce Weston Munro, 15 March 1887

I tried, people.  I really did.  I wanted to be in the ol' S&M Fifty Shades lady club who ohh'ed and ahh'ed and giggled and simpered over this stupid, stupid, stupid series.  For God's sake, I read the Twilight series in week!  Popular and poorly written is usually not much of a barrier for me.   But here it is:  I HATE FIFTY SHADES!  It occurred to me after skimming through 157 pages of the tedious 3rd novel that I had only read perhaps three pages but had rolled my eyes, gagged, and convulsed like 9,271 times.  So I am doing something I don't ever remember doing: I am tossing this drivel on the burn heap.  I will not read another word.  Done. Finit! 

Ok-so what's my complaint, you ask?  Weak character & plot development is a biggie; vapid and sophomoric dialogue that is so 8th grade-like, for realzzz; a gluttony of material possessions that not even billionaires aspire to; unrealistic and chauvinistic sex-capades that no man or woman could perform even with the aid of a genie in bottle; and a docile, spineless heroine who whispers and casts her eyes down and questions nothing ever!  I want to kick her in the head.  Seriously??? 

I understand the allure of fantasy and using fiction as a means of experience or escape.  And I confess, I am a literature snob on many levels.  But at some point, characters need pores, texture, and frankly...to struggle and muddle through the muck and grime of life-or else why bother to spend $12.95 and three or more hours of your life with them?  So I am returning to some tried and true writers who deliver some entertainment bang for the buck:  Diana Gabaldon, Phillipa Gregory, Pat Conroy, Anne Rice, Stephen King, Ken Follett, and good ol' Twain himself, to name a few.  So I will be hitting the library or book store soon and looking forward to sinking my teeth into something juicy-or at least to avoid the scalping that Twain so eloquently references.

Happy reading-whatever it may be!