F in Parenting

I don't know why I have been such a lazy, slacker 4th grade mom this past year.  I guess I could blame it on Mr B's grad school...  I mean, I did have to take on weekly irritatin' cub scout meetings and go to the the !#$f'n grocery store 139 times a week for gallons of disappearing milk, and I even had to pump my own gas on occasion...and we all know that's man work.  But honestly, the truth is, I just wasn't feeling it.  Riding lil brother's ass bout packets and AR tests and such is just, well, a pain in my ass.  I didn't even want to see his daily agenda with the teacher notes and reminders in it.  "Put it away!"  I would screech as if I might be turned into a pillar salt for looking at it.  Finally after ignoring his pleas for as long as I could, I would cave and resentfully sign off that I had glimpsed a few flyers-that I immediately threw in the garbage can.  I even had 4th grade mothers who would frantically text me, "OMG!  Did you study for the Indian tribes test???  Can you PLEASE email us the packet?!?"  And I would blithely respond, "What Indian tribes?  What packet?"  when I really wanted to text back, "Oh, for f**k's sake.  Give it a break, lady. The world will keep spinning.  Let the kid go to sleep."

So the truth is, yes, I was a little uninformed this year.  I missed the boat on some stuff, and lil brother got away with a bit of slacking, I'm sure.  But most importantly, I got to bypass the 4th grade freak out.  Ironically, lil brother even made honor roll and perfect attendance last marking period.    All by himself.  Not a lick of help from his mama.  That's one less baby hangin' from the teat, folks.  And surely that counts for sumpin'.

After Party

We had a BLAST at Mr B's graduation party! The weather was spot on perfect with a mild breeze and a big beautiful moon. We left the back door open so folks could wander out to the patio and fire pit, and the house was filled with fabulous folks eating, drinking, and laughing. Perfect energy and vibe! At one point lil brother with gas mask on runs through the house with a loaded Nerf weapon followed by his stampeding posse. Big kid and friends were uber chill throwing frisbee in the front yard and hanging with a couple of cute girls, and Mr B, wearing his graduation robe over his preppy plaid shorts, (yes, like a flasher) socialized with beer in hand... And of course every lady there was sporting cute outfits, lots of sparkly make up, and done up hair. There were even a couple of Mad Men moments involving cigarettes (gasp!) and hiding behind the neighbors house from the puritan chil'ren. Let's hope they never find out the ladies were doing "drugs"...laws!!! Let's just say that this was the kinda adult party that teenagers aspire too. And no, there were no pics taken or posted on FB. This was ol' school adult fun where memories with good friends are made and treasured-but no legal evidence can be used against you in a court of law. Take note, young'uns!

Lastly, this is how I know that Mr B's party was a giant success: I had to use my shoulder to squeeze through a tight gap in lil brother's doorway in order to wake him up for school.  Laws, y'all...the party fun for all was EPIC.

The fumes of this party are gonna get me through Monday.

Have a good one, y'all!

Cleaning Report

Y'all know I'm having a house party for Mr B's graduation, so y'all also know that means I'm gonna be cleaning like a m'er f'er over here at blither blather headquarters.  And if y'all know me even a smidge, you KNOW I ain't playin'.  I have told the boy-barians that there'd better NOT be any boogers on the wall.  Or chalk-poop-messages written on the driveway 'bout me.  Or hidden Pepsi cans under beds...and the list goes on infinitum.

So I jump outta bed before the crock crows this morning to get a head start on hell raising cleaning since we're also having company for the weekend..  Yes, I said "company."  Have y'all ever tried to pretend to be "nice" in front of "company"  when grinding out death threats behind clenched teeth while psycho smiling???  It takes special skills, is all I'm saying.  Anyhoo...   So I'm hustling and getting kids out the door and on the bus and dogs in the door and off the bus when Mr B suddenly appears bright eyed and bushy tailed...  eyeing me.  And I carry on:  @ss up in air picking his sh*t up off the floor mumble bitching under my breath with my hair in a frazzled knot... I shouldda known.  My friends assure me that a bent over  hostile, cleaning wife has the same effect as a professional strip tease at a gentleman's club-without the dollars bills, that is.  No need to carry on down that road...  So I quickly calculate the minutes that task is gonna take and figure I'm stripping sheets anyway and there a few extra chores I need to spring on him that I have not fully disclosed...so let's just say the cost/benefit analysis was in his favor.  And now, his @ss is MINE!!!

Rocked World

So at our nightly rendezvous on the back patio to enjoy the stars and honeysuckle, Mr B tells me that he got some news that cleaved his world asunder.  And he was not joking.  Dead serious.  He rubs his face, elbows on knees, head in hands.  "It's like someone told me the sky isn't blue anymore," he intones.  And I'm starting to get concerned, leaning forward in my chair, laser eye warming up...because I do not want MAN DRAMA f'ing up my zen right now...  And he interrupts these selfish thoughts to tell me, "David Lee Roth is GAY!"

Poor Mr B...  His hard rocking, pot smoking memories of ass kicking high school/college partying got a real kick in the @ss.  Men over 40 are in mourning across this great nation.  Mr B said he went through all the stages of grief-and keeps returning to denial.  He even Googled it and still didn't want to believe it.  One +40 sumpin man friend even said, "Do you think he just had too much of a good thing???"  And all the men agreed, there's no such thing as "too much of you-know-what."  Mr B just sits there in the dark, shaking his head, and mourning the loss of ery'thing he knew to be TRUE in his big-hair 80's past.

Like any sympathetic wife would, I patted him on the back, and then changed the subject back to important stuff like party planning for our weekend house party and all the chores we still have left to do.  I'm pretty sure the men will gather 'round the keg this weekend to commiserate and tell their stories.  I'll probably post a pic of the wake for later discussion.

Until then, ROCK ON!!!  As I am sure David Lee Roth is...

Urges

Today I wanted to....
...drop kick a co-worker
...beer bong the coffee pot in the work room
...email respond:  "Please leave me the F* alone.  I do not give a rat's ass.  Respectfully, Ms Blither Blather"
...chain smoke
...stuff whole cupcakes in my face three at a time
...snort chocolate
...take off my bra and lay spread eagle on the bed-alone-don't even get any ideas-seriously.
...flip birds to stupid mo'er f'ers

I guess you could say, I'm pretty much over the BS.  I'm gonna make Mr B go buy me a lottery ticket tonite.  And some beer...  and a lighter.  And maybe a candy bar.

Advice

Church parking lot:  "Hey guys, we're here now, so listen up!  No cussing or lying for the next lil bit,  K???  (startled giggles from the back seat)  I'm mostly saying this for myself, but y'all can just join in, too."

And honest to God-it was a trial.  But Satan didn't win this round.

Still fighting the good fight....  barely.

Disclosure

While driving 'round town with lil brother riding shotgun, I ask him, "So what worries do you have about growing up?"  And he seriously ponders this questions.  "Living alone," he says solemnly.  Pause.  "Drinking coffee!" he says with disgust.  Another pause.  "Losing all my money in Vegas," he says with finality.

Laws, y'all...  now I'm worried!

***
Big kid and his friend were laughing at Mr B as they ambled through the house and caught him alone....watching Shrek....and drinking a beer.  Now that's an ADULT movie for ya'.

***
Mr B said he had a nightmare 'bout me (yes, that irony is rich, I know...sigh!).  We were at his gay friend's party and all the gay men criticized my clothes.  "You didn't take it well," he grimaces.  And you can bet your sweet ass, I didn't!  That dream pissed me off in real life.  I can assure you:  gay men would APPROVE of MY wardrobe!

***
Mr B was a real trooper on our Saturday shopping trip for next weekend's graduation party that we're hosting.  I drug him to Old Time Pottery, Dollar Tree, Party City, and Jo Ann's Fabrics (those quilting ladies are hard core!).  Anyhoo...  I only had to give him the beady eye once (which is one step down from the crazy eye but just as unpredictable)...  and he did straighten up and fly right and stop hustling me and nay-saying 'bout all the sh*t I was buying..for awhile...before he starting getting all explicit 'bout the sex'shal favors I was gonna have to perform for all this shopping (*eye roll*).  However, last stop was the local liquor store, and he did perk up when talking to the Indian owner 'bout sizes and prices and types of beer kegs.  So once home, I put the remote in his hands and turned on the History Channel and promised to leave him alone....  for a little while!

We are so PROUD of our graduate, Mr Magnum Cum Laud! 

Love you, bunny!