Paging Nurse Blither Blather...WWHD???

Everything I learned about nursing, I learned from Mr B's mama-Honey. For years now I have seen her in Florence Nightingale action-and am even a survivor of her nursing attempts. She's a natural. And actually genuinely cares about sick people. I, on the other hand, find them worrisome, offensive, overly needy, and irritating. Which is why I usually holler for Mr B to get out the medicine kit when a minor medical emergency arises at our house (or pretend like I don't hear you). So tonight when big kid's sneezing took on epic allergic proportions, I kicked it into high gear and asked myself: WWHD??? (what would Honey do???)...

Step 1. I burst into action by immediately running a wash cloth under scalding water that is hot enough to scorch the skin off a scorpion before plastering it against big kid's face-totally ignoring his muffled screams of agony...
Step 2. The patient survives the hot cloth, so I move onto the next phase of Honey's triage treatment plan: I offer him a banana-which according to Honey is the cure-all for all your ails such as allergies, high blood pressure, low potassium, depression, headache, bad attitude, broken limbs, or low energy. Only problem-we don't have any bananas at our house. So I improvise...on to step three...
Step 3. ...I thickly smear Vick's Vapor Rub on everything from big kid's belly button to his eyebrows-which causes big kid to yell, "YOU POISONED MY NOSE!" Which is completely ridiculous because everyone knows that VVR cures allergies, high blood pressure, low potassium, depression, headache, bad attitude, broken limbs, or low energy...
Step 4. At this point big kid has become a belligerent, unappreciative patient bordering on the downright disrespectful. So I decide to teach him a lesson (let him suffer the consequences!) for rejecting my honed nursing skills by omitting step four of Honey's triage treatment plan: microwaving a polyester blanket until it catches on fire and then beating out the flames in the sink before plastering it onto your victim...I mean-patient. Smart mouthed patients don't deserve the toasted blanket.

Good news: big kid reports he's feeling better....or at least he isn't complaining anymore. Thank goodness... this nursing business is exhausting. But thanks to Honey, I'm ready if he relapses.