February Sucks

February Sucks. It's only redeeming factor is the Somoa Girl Scout cookie that always arrives about this time of year. If it weren't for the Somoa, I probably would have killed myself or some poor helpless victim by now. So if February has you down, hunt down a Girl Scout and buy as many boxes as possible-it might just save your life. I prefer eating them in a darkened room by myself-a box at a time. When I get to heaven, I will eat Somoas every day. Not just in the sucky month of February.

Well-as if February weren't sucking enough-my back pain has come back to haunt me, and I'm hobbling around here like an ornery sway backed mare. Even though I was a nervous chiro-virgin, I made a visit to Dr Rich Allen, DC-and was very glad I did. He was knowledgeable, thorough, practical, and understanding. Although he confirmed that my head is not on straight (much to Mr B's wry amusement), he seemed optimistic about my chances for survival-and has a plan to help me combat this annoying malady that totally interferes with my life. So local pals-give him a call or check out Allen Family Chiropractic on Facebook. Frankly, it's just a relief to be in the hands of someone who actually gives a crap about the reason I have persistent back episodes (or "spells" as we Southerners like to call them). So to the nonchalant ER docs-you can just SUCK IT!

So if you're a FEBRUARY SUCKS! HATER-please feel free to leave your complaint in the comments section. However, if Februaury just seems to be going your way- you can SUCK IT. I'm just not in the mood for a ray of sunshine at the moment...

Team Loyalty: Super Bowl Sunday

In honor of Super Bowl Sunday, I am advertising the only product that I will not compromise my loyalty: and that, my blither blather friends, is the unparalleled soft drink Pepsi. My intense loyalty to this brand actually goes back to childhood. I remember a family vacay (circa mid 1970’s) and watching my hot, thirsty, road weary dad beating the crap out of an ancient, roadside Pepsi machine somewhere in the flatlands of New Mexico. This decrepit, rusted machine had the gall to swallow his 35 cents without delivering the promised cold Pepsi. And I remember sympathizing with his blind rage. We needed our cold Pepsi, dammit! And no-Coke won’t do. Because no other product quite delivers the same sweet and bubbly packed sensation that a Pepsi does. Yes-I have tried to abstain. I have even gone almost a whole day (sweating with the effort) of not imbibing to later find myself standing in front of my garage fridge (in work clothes with my purse on my shoulder) cracking open a cold Pepsi and guzzling it down with a two handed hold. No other product in my life has this kind of desirable hold over me. I will drink various brands of coffee, purchase new and cheaper brands of make-up, hair products, clothing, and groceries. But I will not be separated from my (diet) Pepsi-no matter the cost or effort. It has even become Mr B's purpose in life to keep me perpetually stocked up while getting the most cases for the cheapest price. Which is probably why I’m infamous among my circle of friends-if you swing by house, I’m gonna offer you a cold, frosty Pepsi. Every time!

So I hope you enjoy your Super Bowl Sunday with friends and family-and of course, a cold Pepsi in your hands as you cheer on your team. Go Pepsi!!!

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For the record:
Pepsi will not be advertising in today’s Super Bowl commercial line up. Pepsi corporation has instead invested its funds into an internet campaign that will be awarding grants to individuals and organizations who are creating new ways to improve their local communities.

Mystery Gift

My birthday is fast approaching (like it or not), and I am seriously worried about the birthday gift that Mr B keeps taunting/cautioning me about. The clues that he has given me DO NOT bode well. So I am asking for your help in trying to solve this unnerving mystery. The big reveal will occur on Feb 22nd. Here are the clues:

1. It is non refundable-Mr B has repeatedly and adamantly stated that the mystery gift CANNOT be returned. Which means that he probably bought it from some weirdo on Craig’s List. So no matter how horrifying it is-this gift is gonna live/stay with me. Which kinda sounds like a case of venereal disease after a night of fun but questionable sex.
2. It is expensive-Which translates to, “No matter how much you hate it you cannot complain about it because if you knew how much it cost you would burst a blood vessel and die of the shock of having to live with this thing that not only you hate but came froma weirdo who took a big portion of your hard earned money so you can now be the proud of a (God only knows-fill in the blank).”
3. It comes from a place of love-Mr B is worriedly trying to assure me of this. Which translates to, “This gift has the power to piss you off profoundly and cause you to inflict irreparable bodily harm to the person who had the nerve to give a gift that is meant to only help you improve your pathetic self.”
4. It will bring you joy???-OK. This I can live with. But why is he making this statement a question??? It’s as if he’s trying to convince himself of the joy inducing qualities of said mystery gift. And really-joy is a little strong for my taste. I mean-it’s just a birthday, for crying out loud. I just want a regular, run of the mill, low commitment, low maintenance gift. Really-bubble bath is fine.

So I’m bracing myself for the worst and trying to prepare myself for the possible emotional and psychological scarring that this mystery gift is likely to entail. Go ahead and post your guesses in the comments section. And we shall soon see what Mr B has in store for me!

Countdown til Feb 22nd: 19 days

Lost and Found

One of the most IRRITATING things about kids is their inability to find sh#t when you really need them to. IMPORTANT things such as: flip flops, band aids, backpacks, jackets, toilet paper, order forms, and the dog leash-to name a few. My kids can NEVER find ANYTHING. No matter how detailed and desperate my directions are. They usually just jerk open a door/cabinent, holler that they don't see it, and THEN blindly stare into the abyss. Which means that I have to stomp over and snatch said object which is sitting in front of their faces in the EXACT location I said it would be. I have already informed them that they should not grow up and become detectives-because they would SUCK at it (yes, I believe in addressing my kids' weaknesses to their faces). If I were to put a 5 ton pink elephant in front of the TV in my living room-my kids could not find it. Seriously. Why do I even waste my breath...???

So when the eye doctor reported that big kid is blind as a bat and could not literally see the 8x11 letter R in front of his face-it did give me a moment's pause. A brief second's pause only. Because honestly not even blindness is a good enough excuse for stupidity. I mean-Helen Keller wrote an entire BOOK-and she couldn't see, hear, OR speak. I just need a roll of toilet paper, folks, that's ALL I'm asking for here.

So now that big kid got the contacts he's been dying for-I'm expecting to see RESULTS over her at blither blather headquarters. And of course, I will keep you posted on the details of the Lost and Found Tragic-Comedy that will likely unfold sooner than later.

Re-adjusting

My trusty laptop (best friend!) is in the shop for a repair (to the tune of $150! highway robbery! They know I will pay any price to have her returned to me ASAP). So I have taken to using Mr B's-but it's just not the same. I have already added people.com, bravo.com, tmz.com, and game gutter to his favorites. Not sure that he will appreciate these must-see sites. I've also taken it upon myself to re-arrange his cluttered desk top. All like files and folders neatly stacked and aligned. I've also added a folder for my retro blog pics and switched to my yahoo.email account for quick access. So looks like Mr B's machine is getting the blither blather make over. ...Shhhhhh!!!! Don't tell!

Penny-man

Lil brother got mad at me BEFORE we actually left the house to go to Wal-Mart this afternoon. Usually a trip to Wal-Mart is good news for lil brother who is a big fan of sensory overload and running amok in large environments. So when he hustled upstairs to get his money, I was willing to patiently wait for him. Unitl he came downstair with a baggie full of $17 dollars of PENNIES. "I am NOT counting out pennies at the register at Wal Mart!" was not an acceptable excuse to him. So he swelled up and refused to talk to me the whole way there, in the parking lot, and through the store while moping along behind me. But I bought him a luncheable anyway. Cause not having to 'splain myself a 100 times to him in public was actually a pleasant experience for me. I kinda like going to Wally World with Penny-man.

Solving some OC Problems

OK-so I should be grading the Of Mice and Men essays and using my snow day wisely. But instead I went to Bravo.com to read the "real" housewives blogs. And of course I got sucked into the OC world of glitz and bling and trash. No surprise there, huh? But instead of x'ing out and going about my merry business (ie: doing laundry), I decided to leave a post. AHHHH!!!!! The power of an unsolicited opinion! I spent more time on this missive than I did on my last email to my boss. Why I should care about a vapid, spoiled woman's view of herself and the world is well-beyond me. But it pulled my chain and riled me up. Handing your children over to the nanny while the maid makes the beds so that you can go to the spa while wearing your diamond necklace so that you can go to dinner later is not my idea of "working." If this is your lifestyle-then fine. Enjoy! But don't insult the rest of us who do scrub toilets and pick up #@#! off the floors and counters 24/7 that you WORK, k? Do I wish that I had more luxury in my life? Absolutely! Do I LOVE cleaning my boy/man domain? H$LL NO! But there's something pure and honest and liberating about living your life with your sleeves rolled up around your elbows while taking care of your own business. Imagine making your impeccable manicure your life's work?!? Seriously....I'm just really disgusted by some of those vapid OC "housewives." OC Ladies: GET A JOB! (Oh-and selling your naked pics of you and the vibrator that plugs in-doesn't count. Sorry.)

Of course....I will be tuning in on Thursday. (...insert ironic shrug and sigh of self disgust here)

Oh!!!-if/when my comment gets published on Bravo.com-I'll let ya'll know!!! Blither Blather is going coastal!