Coupons

I've been threatening lil brother this holiday season with for-going buying him presents and instead giving him coupons in his stocking, all in the name of saving a buck or two and a future pain in the @ss yard sale in which we sell it all for $20 although we spent a $#@! fortune on it... I mean, learning to tighten the belt is an important life skill... Of course this sends lil brother into a tizzy at the thoughts of not ripping into loads of plastic crap on Christmas morning (...sigh). Here are some of my ideas for the lil rascal:

Lil brother coupons:
3 Get out of your room for free even though Dad is mad as a hornet at you Coupons (...buyer beware on this one)
3 I can't find my shoes so you have to do it for me Coupons (...sucker!!!)
3 I don't wanna do my homework so big kid can just do it Coupons (...HA!)
3 Go ahead and inspect my room but no looking in the closet or under the bed Coupons (...I'm actually really considering this one...)
5 Free passes to go into big kid's room and touch any of his stuff that I wanna no matter how loudly he yells Coupons
5 I'm tired of putting away the silverware so it can just sit on the counter for a week Coupons

...and for the grand finale...

10 Free whacks with a plastic sword/gun/toy to anyone who lil brother deems deserving and he still gets to watch tv and play computer (...someone has to dispense justice, right?!?)


Now, who wouldn't want all that for Christmas??? Maybe I need to market this to Fisher Price...

Home for the Holidays

Grandaddy (my father) is a self described "Ol' Bastard!" I cringed when he loudly and PROUDLY proclaimed this. Worried that little pitchers have big ears, I sneak a peak over my shoulder to see lil brother avidly leaned in and listening to every fascinating word that falls out of Grandaddy's mouth. Oh laws...he's filing that one away for future reference... Although Grandaddy is sporting a new set of hi-tech hearing aides which cost $5,000 (he loves to tell everyone), he still insists on shouting his opinions (...diatribes) to the world at large...peppered with salty expletives of course. Although retired, Grandaddy still has a full time job. He is a full time IDIOT DETECTOR. Although unpaid and under-appreciated, he considers it a necessary public service that no IDIOCY go unreported and/or undetected by the ignorant masses. And don't mis-think for a minute now that family gets special privileges....HO! NO-Siree!!! For instance at the holiday gathering, Grandaddy loudly raises his voice over the din to tell Mr B, "...half these women weren't married when they had all these kids!" Mr B stuffs a ham biscuit in his mouth and chews nervously while keeping his eye on the biggest man in the room... "And that one there's (pointing) girlfriend got married last week...to another man! And now he's gotta take a paternity test to get the ankle-biter's name changed!" he snorts in derision. ...And y'all that's all that I can really type here... without fear of (justifiable) murder and mayhem which might alter the destinies of generations to come. It ain't easy standing next to Grandaddy in public. It takes a special kinda fortitude (...idiocy???). And best not waste your breath trying to clean it up or fix it or nice-ify it. Can't be done-he only gets more agitated and irritated and LOUDER that someone might try to misinterpret the OBVIOUS. All you can do is slide on over to the buffet table, stuff a ham biscuit in your face while pocketing the serving fork, keep your back to the wall and eyes on the crowd.

Now THAT'S a holiday gathering, folks.

Walking PR Nightmare

David Arquette: "[Courteney] said she doesn't want to be my mother. I kind of need a mother right now. I need a girl to come bring me some soup and make sure I'm all right. I like that, and I take care of my ladies, too."

Dude! Really?!?

I just LOVE this guy. Not that I would want to be married to him...for the record. But I really appreciate how David Arquette is publically owning his misery in the wake of his doomed marriage to Courtney Cox. I mean this guy is saying ALL the WRONG things (source: People.com). Like how he drinks too much. So much in fact that he becomes a "maniac." He's depressed. His shrink thinks he's having "a nervous breakdown," his family is totally worried, Courtney is pissed as sh*t about what he's saying out loud to the trash-mags, and he even confessed to Howard Stern (who would tell that weirdo anything???) about not having sex with her for four months because she's sooooo O-VER him... OMG...I mean, like, WOW! really??? Celebs really ARE like us. Who knew??? And that's what I love about this guy. His life is a MESS and he's losing the best thing that's ever come his way (typical man for ya). But he AIN'T fakin' it. There's no Hollywood machine at work here, no publicist who has him on a short leash, no family wealth to muzzle his media mistakes. This dude is simply wallowing in his misery and speaking the un-gussied up truth about it...out loud and on the record. And I really admire this kinda courage. Because sometimes life really SUCKS...like BAD. And pretending any different just ain't an option. So CHEERS! to David for keeping it real (although he probably really needs to get off the bottle-and stop talking to Howard Stern about it). Who wouldn't love this guy??? Poor, stupid man...

C'mon Court...!

Keeping it real...

I'm sure you've been wondering how the holidays are shaping up over here at Blither Blather Headquarters. So here's a little peak... Doesn't Mr B look GREAT in a sweater turtleneck as he offers me some Christmas cheer on a platter???

Reality check: Big kid spilled spaghetti-o's on my favorite Christmas table runner and the stain will need to be sand-blasted out, the kitten is eating my dining room table decorations, one of the Christmas trees is perilously listing, and I'm dreading the first Christmas letter of sugary-sweet family bliss that will inevitably arrive in the mailbox informing us how Family X got a raise this year, all the kids made straight A's-again-they're vacationing in Aspen for the holidays, and they finally have their house paid off... Makes you wanna puke or kick Santa in the @#*!......

In spite of all that, I'm in my bathrobe with a cup o' coffee in my hands enjoying a quiet morning of delusional holiday bliss... Merry Merry!!!

Old People Announcement

I recently had a revelation: Mr B & I are entering into the twilight phase of our relationship. When did this hit me??? When he and I were discussing (with mounting exhiliration & glee!) which mini-series we were gonna watch together over the holidays on Netflix. And y'all, we aint been this excited since...well...I'm not sure when...??? Now if that ain't an old people sign, I don't know what is.

Hang Over

Lil brother had to stay home from church today because he was hung over. And Mr B was (suspiciously) thrilled to "nurse" him back to health in spite of having to miss out on the rousing Sunday sermon of "Hope in a Time of Despair." All this thanks to Uncle Joe who came over on Saturday with a 2 liter of grape soda, a bag full of junk food, and three movies: of which consisted an alien, a predator, a buncha crazed zombies, and a sorcerer's apprentice. And let me tell you what-lil brother was not bashful about getting his PARRRRR-TEEEEE ON!

Later-big kid informed me that the zombie movie was not appropriate for lil brother. "Mom, there was a NAKED man in it!" Upon further investigation, Uncle Joe also confessed that he had to "ahem...explain" a few things to lil brother after seeing this movie... Kinda hard to fix this after the fact... Whatcha gonna do? So it's no wonder lil brother had a tummy/headache after all that debauchery and required an Ibuprofen the morning after. Clearly I oughtta have the preacher put Uncle Joe and lil brother on the prayer list.

Man in Red

Lil brother took a trip to the local mall to chat up the man-in-red. And as luck would have it, lil brother got to hang with THE REAL DEAL. Not one of those faker-mall-Santas who just try to trick kids and get their parents to shell out $32 for a fake photo-op. I mean this Santa was REAL-and we have the picture to prove it. Just swing by our house anytime to check out the picture on the mantle. But in classic lil brother style, there was some pre-Santa drama. Lil brother cannot abide getting his hair "done" or wearing a Christmas sweater. But several threats later and a hostile intervention by Mr B pretty much convinced him of the futility of protest. And of course once lil brother is in line to see the man-in-red he gets nauseous and nervous and sweaty. And I don't blame him. I wouldn't want to explain to the big guy some of his tricks either. But I'm glad to report, that lil brother survived the encounter and successfully dodged another holiday bullet-although he got so nervous that he forgot to give him his wish list. So looks like he'll have to write a Santa letter-which will be another holiday-fight-tradition to report on later.

Merry merry!!!