Bring it, B*tch!

Real Housewives of New Jersey Reunion Show, Bravo TV

How awesome was that reunion episode?!? I mean within the first 3 minutes Teresa had already called Danielle a coke-whore-prostitute-b*tch while standing over her and screaming like a crazy Jersey housewife. And then shoving Andy into his seat for getting in her way?!? Love, love, loved every minute of it!!! I can really respect a girl who comes out with guns blazin'. Apparently, Teresa had had enough. So yes, maybe she was a little off her rocker to go all Jersey-nuts, but honestly, I really appreciate her over the top responses. What would you expect from all that big hair & make-up & high heels anyway? And Danielle was such a creepy lil whiner. She likes to talk trash & stir it up and then cower and play the victim. I want to beat her up too. Or at least yank her hair extensions. So bring it, Jersey...!!!

Can't wait for next week!

On my Nightstand

Here's what's currently at the top of my stacked up reading list on my nightstand:

Motherhood...the Second Oldest Profession, by Erma Bombeck. I got this at the yard sale for a quarter. You'd think mother wisdom would be priceless, huh??? As ya'll know, I'm a huge fan of Erma. So here's an excerpt for your reading pleasure:

"....a new mother-to-be gasped, 'Did you see the story in the paper about the mother who left one of her children in the laundromat restroom? And she dares call herself a mother! How disgusting!...'
*
(Erma) Now I personally knew seven mothers who had tried the same thing."

Can I get an AMEN?!?

Erma Quote of the Day: "If I raised my hand to wipe the hair out of my children's eyes, they'd flinch and call their attorneys."

Wrong Number

My friend B reported that she got a phone call at 10:36 PM….ON A SCHOOL NIGHT. With sweaty palms and pounding heart, she answers the phone, expecting bad news. Because we all know that NO ONE calls the house phone after the kids are in bed on a school night. And from the other end of the line, a masculine voice asks, “So what are you wearing?” And to her immense relief she belly laughs hysterically in his ear while he sheepishly listens to her cackling. At his expense. My friend B is just so glad to be talking to a pervert instead of listening to her mother report another unfolding family drama that she stifles her giggles and plays along in her best Lauren Becall voice, “So what are YOU wearing?” At this point, mystery man realizes that he’s got the wrong number. So he profusely apologizes (as any decent man who'd called to talk dirty might), introduces himself as Dave from California, and assures her that he’s a single man who met someone on a business trip and he’s really not a weirdo… or a drunk…but really…would she please be willing to tell him at least what state she’s in so he can figure out what has gone so terribly awry with the numbers he’s been calling? And when she states her general whereabouts, he lets out a frantic, appalled expletive, “Holy sh*t!!! I’ve been sex calling… MY SISTER!!!! Turns out his sister has a very similar number to my friend B. Figure the odds on that?!? Now they are both hysterically laughing & crying. Once they calm down and can breathe again, my friend B asks him about his sister-who lives in her neck of the wood-takes down her number and promises Dave from California that she’ll give her a call and explain the whole rigmarole to her. About this time, my friend B’s husband walks in…as she is telling Dave from California, “Yes, I’m married and have two children…” And you can imagine the puzzled look B’s hubby-gives his wife who is talking to a stranger at 10:49 PM…on a school night… as if she’s known him all her life. My friend B- reports that she had a lovely chat with Dave from California-who really is a gentleman-even though he pretty much sucks at sexy phone calling.

So looks like Dave from California may have lost his chance with Lady Love. But at least he’s a got a new pal….who wears mama-jamas to bed… on a school night!

Monday

If you can't beat 'em....join 'em! Saddle up...!!!

Breaking News

Angelina (Jolie) Makes Lunch for Her Kids
Bi-line from PEOPLE Magazine

S'riously?!? Are you f'in kidding me?!? And this constitutes as entertainment news?!? Give us an f'in break, PEOPLE Magazine. Here's some news for ya': about 10 ga-billion moms across the planet do this day after f'in day with no fanfare or fireworks or praise from the masses. And get this: these moms also had to clean it up. And shop for it. And go to a pain-in-the-ass job to earn the money to buy it...with no hired help or nannies or housekeeper or idle Brad Pitt sex-toy on stand-by. SHOCKER!!!

You could say that I'm a lil over Angelina Jolie and her uber-faux-earth-mother facade. Cause any mom worth her salt knows she ain't the real deal. Here's when I'll be impressed: when Angie loads the 6 kids in the van, takes them to WAl-MART, shops for 2 weeks worth of groceries (with coupons), makes it through the check out line gauntlet with 3 of the 6 melting down, has to push the cart through the parking lot battlefield (and everyone barely makes it alive), loads the groceries herself while kids are whining and fighting, hauls it in the house and stuffs it in the pantry and then notices that all helpers have vanished, prepares a meal that takes 106 minutes to create and 6 minutes to devour, cleans up the wreckage that requires another hour & a half on your feet, and then loads & re-loads & empties the dishwasher before going to bed. Print THAT, PEOPLE Magazine, with a shot or two of her all sweaty and frazzled while snarling and whipping lil asses through the Wal-Mart check out line & parking lot. And moms of America will flock to the news stand and pay good money to see some freakin' real life happening to the Rich & Famous.

BTW Angie-if you're reading this: 10 cans of Spaghetti O's for $10 on sale this week. Super, easy kid lunches made affordable and even appeals to the picky eaters in the bunch.

Just trying to help a sister out...

"Meth" Head

I've been sick with allergies this week, and I feel like I've been kicked in the head by an ornery mule. I felt so bad that I actually made Mr B go beg the pharmacist for some of that "meth" medicine they keep behind the counter. After being photographed, fingerprinted, ID'ed, photocopied, and given the once over-he came home with 5 pills. I guess it's hard to cook up much dope on 5 pills....??? I half-way expected him to hand me a spoon and a lighter to "cook" it up. I've never felt so subversive in all my life while swallowing a lil ol sudafed decongestant....sheesh.

Well that "meth" medicine knocked me on my butt and I've been sleeping like the dead during daylight hours. So now my whole sleep schedule is whackadoodle and I've been up since 3:18 AM. Which got me thinking about our hellish family schedule:

Sunday: church & youth group
Monday: cub & boy scouts
Tuesday: football practice
Wednesday: adult bible study group
Thursday: grad class
Friday: football games
Saturday: travel to cross country event
And start all over again...!!!

Ridiculous, I tell you. And I haven't even factored in homework, laundry, and supper yet... Just looking at all those commitments makes me want to take meth ...on purpose!

Progress Report

Ok-so the first week of school wasn't too bad... in spite of the fact that ya'll know I like to bitch first and backtrack later. So like it or not, I'm working for a livin' for another year-that is until Mr B wins the lottery-which he is always planning on. But really-there's nuthin' to complain about when you pretty much get left alone to do your thang and have great kids to work with. I am however teaching a lot of staff kids this year, so I have asked my friend G to be my crazy-spotter and help keep me PG-13, which can be a challenge when f-bombs are blowing up inside my head at any given moment and I'm busy crackin' the whip... So hopefully I won't piss off too many overachiever parents. Trust me: you don't want this group crawlin' up your backside. But it's inevitable. Pissing someone off is just part of the job description.

Oh, and to give you something to look forward to, I am going camping and canoeing with lil brother and his cub scout pals in September. Remember the cave trip last year with seven yr olds??? It was BRUTAL!!! I was a HOT MESS covered in mud and bat poo and sweat. As bad as it was, I am proud to say that I only yelled "SHI*T! SH!T! SH*T!" once, and those lil cubbies didn't even bat an eye. Of course, the whole trip was done with my lipgloss tube in my front pocket too. So as you can guess, this upcoming trip is likely gonna be another ride at the goat rodeo.

Hope ya'll are surviving this heat. It's hotter than the hinges of hell in my neck of the woods. Ugh!!!

Dream Spoiler

As told to me by one of my students:

"Hey Mrs B-! You wanna hear about my dream last night?!? They(?) were giving out super powers and I was so stoked!!! But when I told my mom about it, she wouldn't let me get one. And when she finally decided to let me have one, all the good ones were already taken. So all I had to choose from were the crappy ones. Man...that really sucked."

How funny is that?!? I guess we moms have the market cornered on being regular buzz-kills, don't we??? It just takes a while for mom-brains to figure stuff out. Super powers are serious business. I mean, you don't wanna give your kid a super power complex he might later regret, right??? Like who has time for kid super hero therapy sessions when you're already running them to scouts, church, sports, band, and b-day parties??? Now-if they had a super power that made kids pick crap off the floor... or scrub the bathroom pristine... or cook meals while scrubbing the pots and pans...

BTW-I am calling a Back-To-School-Pick-Your-Own-Crap-Up-Off-The-Floor-OR-DIE!-Meeting in the very near future over here at blither blather headquarters.

Hope ya'll are surviving the start of school. I want to butcher my alarm clock...

BYOC

It's back to school time for me which is a crazy-stressful-exhausting-hectic business. But believe it or not-i actually eat better when school is in session as opposed to full-out-no-rules summer. So I am actually looking forward to naturally being able to draw some boundaries.



Also, I have had my 5th appt with my MD and only one more to go. My psych-eval is scheduled for 2 wks...and then it's off to see the surgeon!!! When I first started this journey, I was so BUMMED that I had to wait 6 months...but the time has flown! And I'm glad. This is a big commitment, and I'm glad I've been given some time to "live with" this decision and let it simmer and percolate. So I am hopeful that I will soon be posting a surgery date. Maybe....just maybe...this is gonna happen!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Now for some fun: BYCO!!!



1. “Which one would you rather?”…



Tom Cruise or

Tom Brady?

Duh?!? Tom Cruise, of course. Would love to know if he can live up to the hype. And you know that whole "Risky Business" was kinda hotttt.....



Mr. Big (Sex and the City) or

Tony Little (exercise nut)?

I guess I'm gonna have to go with Mr Big...because I'm not sure who Tony Little is...does this make me a nerd??? Not sure...



Whoopi Goldberg or

Making whoopi?

Making whoopi, definitely. It's fun-when done right-and it's a calorie burn too.



2. How do you feel about plastic surgery?

I'm all for it-but it scares the sh*t outta me. Especially boob reductions....ugh. My hubby has been prepping me for this reality.... but I am hoping that I won't need it.





3. What’s your favorite website?



Any trashy celebrity website will do...People.com...TMZ... you name it. I'm a sucker. Plus I am Real Housewives fan...so Bravo.com definitely makes the list.



4. What’s your best tip for having a great vacation?

Not sure yet. Since we have kids and are always on a budget. Being together as a family is what's important... and creating those memories. Even if the vacation sucks-there's still something to laugh about.



5. Repeat question….which blog or comment stuck with you the most this week and why?

Judi trying to plan her party and get 115 followers (she's lost 115 lbs!) with her hard-core planner. I hope she makes it!!!

New Title

Today during a faculty mtg I received a title to add to my teaching credentials: Directed Studies "Guru." And as soon as I heard this title, I knew that I would abuse my powers. I have already alerted my collegues that I am to be addressed as Guru B- for the remainder of the year. I mean if you have it-might as well flaunt it.

Also, the teachers were given a homework assignment for tonight: suicide prevention. Oh, the irony!!!

Takin' My Medicine Straight Up

Well, it's time to put up and shut up and get my butt back to school. No more bitchin' or bellachin' either...sigh... Ain't easy workin' for a livin'. So back to the grind!

At least we can laugh about it:
“Work is the curse of the drinking classes.”
Oscar Wilde

Or maybe be inspired:
My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
Maya Angelou

Hope ya'll have a great week!