Grandaddy (my father) is a self described "Ol' Bastard!" I cringed when he loudly and PROUDLY proclaimed this. Worried that little pitchers have big ears, I sneak a peak over my shoulder to see lil brother avidly leaned in and listening to every fascinating word that falls out of Grandaddy's mouth. Oh laws...he's filing that one away for future reference... Although Grandaddy is sporting a new set of hi-tech hearing aides which cost $5,000 (he loves to tell everyone), he still insists on shouting his opinions (...diatribes) to the world at large...peppered with salty expletives of course. Although retired, Grandaddy still has a full time job. He is a full time IDIOT DETECTOR. Although unpaid and under-appreciated, he considers it a necessary public service that no IDIOCY go unreported and/or undetected by the ignorant masses. And don't mis-think for a minute now that family gets special privileges....HO! NO-Siree!!! For instance at the holiday gathering, Grandaddy loudly raises his voice over the din to tell Mr B, "...half these women weren't married when they had all these kids!" Mr B stuffs a ham biscuit in his mouth and chews nervously while keeping his eye on the biggest man in the room... "And that one there's (pointing) girlfriend got married last week...to another man! And now he's gotta take a paternity test to get the ankle-biter's name changed!" he snorts in derision. ...And y'all that's all that I can really type here... without fear of (justifiable) murder and mayhem which might alter the destinies of generations to come. It ain't easy standing next to Grandaddy in public. It takes a special kinda fortitude (...idiocy???). And best not waste your breath trying to clean it up or fix it or nice-ify it. Can't be done-he only gets more agitated and irritated and LOUDER that someone might try to misinterpret the OBVIOUS. All you can do is slide on over to the buffet table, stuff a ham biscuit in your face while pocketing the serving fork, keep your back to the wall and eyes on the crowd.
Now THAT'S a holiday gathering, folks.
HA! I have been waiting with baited breath for a comment on Uncle. Your post does not disappoint and really meets him to a tee. I think the forwardness he so masterfully displays makes perfect sense when you consider that, when you are one of us, you really don't fear what others think because you know with a steadfast certainty that you are dead on right. Oddly enough, I think he has mellowed over the years, to the point I thought he was actually really pleasant when we (that includes your Aunt) went to see him.
ReplyDeleteHave a great holiday, we (being the Cousins) should try to have some sort of get together before we all mellow to be point of not being any fun ourselves.
S