Project

My foresight and patience have paid off. The third grade project (that nearly pushed me over the edge) is enjoying a second time around revival and will be making its debut in the 6th grade science class this week-much to my supreme satisfaction and big kid’s amazement.

When this project was assigned the first time, it took 2 trips to Wal-Mart and one trip to a hobby specialty store, a borrowed glue gun, tons of hot glue sticks, an expensive miniature plastic bear, Christmas garland that had to be dug from the back of the attic, a trip to the dollar store for tape and wrapping paper, and two hours flipping through magazines to cut out pictures while gnashing my teeth and chewing on f-bombs. So after spending $49.99 on this habitat project, there was no way that I was letting big kid muck up my investment. I insisted on doing it (mostly) by myself. Well-I did let him choose where to glue the bear. And off the project went to school. Much to the relief of the entire family. So you can only imagine my hostility the afternoon that I spied “my project” in the hands of another elementary student. Without a thought to common decency or public opinion, I jerked “my project” out of the hands of this astonished kid and grilled him within an inch of his life. I can still see his bulging, terrified eyes looking up at me. But I didn’t care (and still don’t). It was “my project”-dammit. Bottom line: big kid gave “my project” away. I can assure you that that he will never make that mistake again. Once my labor of time and money was in my possession again, I stashed it in the back of lil brother’s closet determined to never make that many trips around town in the rain on a school night ever again. And so it remained for several, quiet years until this past Sunday when big kid announced the biome project for science class, and I had my Oh Hell!/Eureka! moment. To everyone’s delight (and big kid’s relief) we fetched this treasure from the closet and rejoiced. None of us want to live through project hell EVER. AGAIN.

Surviving the 3rd grade project did teach me a valuable lesson. I never again assigned my high school students another art project for their mothers to do outside of class. I have too much respect for the mothers of America. Mothers are too busy doing laundry and other un-glamorous tasks to be hunched over the kitchen table hot gluing 50 bucks worth of art crap onto a box or poster while threatening to harm their kids if they even attempt to touch “my project!” This kinda activity will take good women and turn them into psychotic, foaming at the mouth haters. And nothing good comes from that. Besides, I don’t want to ever be remembered for posterity as the project b*tch-thank you very much.