Happy Bday, Mr B!!!

Mr B celebrated his 45th  b-day this weekend.  Mr B-who does a terrible job of keeping up with his current age-reported that he will be 45 twice because he spent year 44 thinking he was 45 already.  Forty-four is pretty overrated I assure him.   So raise a glass of cheer for Mr B's second go 'round at 45!   May he be continually blessed with squirrely kids and a sharp tongued wife with an axe to grind.  What more could a man want in life???

Since Mr B clearly has a memory issue, I am going to record for posterity a few b-day details that his sons can read to him when they visit him in the nursing home with their squirrely kids:

2011 B-day Details:
*Went to see the movie Cowboys & Aliens with Honey and family
*Grilled brats & dogs
*Boys made a white cake with white frosting and lots of sprinkles. To lil brother's profound regret I only let him put 12 candles on the cake instead of stabbing it full of 45 candles-which is a little much at our age and likely to catch the house on fire.
*Spent the day swimming and hanging out
*Boys gave their dad recycled gifts-The Fart Book (which never gets old for any of them) and a pair of shutter shades-what every cool dad needs...
*Watched our current fav show Falling Skies
*And my gift to Mr B...well, let's just say, use your imagination...!

Happy b-day Bunny!!!

Trading Places

In a moment of ire, lil brother informs me, "You would be MAD if you hadda be me!"

Me:  "Oh YEAH?!?  Why's THAT?!?"

LB :  "Cuz you's always bossing me around! (He mimics in a girlie voice)  GO DO DAT!  GO DO DAT!  You wouldn't like it AT. ALL."

And we just both stood our ground giving each other the hairy eyeball...

And just between you and me and the fence post.....He's RIGHT!!!

Learning Experience

I knew I was forgetting to tell y'all something...  Last Sunday big kid volunteered to work in the 2 yr old classroom at church (I know, right?!?  Kids are soooo clueless...).  Frankly, I'd rather be burned at the stake.   But anyhoo...We pick him an hour and half later and before he has passed through the threshold of the classroom, he announces in his booming voice (weird detail:  big kid has the gawky frame of a fledgling teen but the booming voice of 47 year old man):  "THAT WAS TERRIBLE!  THAT WAS THE LONGEST HOUR & HALF OF MY LIFE!  THERE WERE 8 OF THEM-BUT IT FELT LIKE 20!  AND ONE OF THEM PEED ON THE FLOOR!  MAN!  I'M NEVER HAVING KIDS!"  And Mr B and I just chuckle to ourselves.  Who knew that taking big kid to church would be the best form of future birth control???  Love it!  Gonna sign him up again...

"His People"

So I finally capitulated and took lil brother to go see "his people." By that I mean the dudes who work at our local used video gaming store. Lil brother just loves these paid-by-the-hour dudes. These guys are about 37 years old, wear old, faded black t-shirts with Pac-man iron-ons, haven't shaved or showered in days, still live in their parent's dark basement, and have played Every. Single. Solitary. Game. EVER made. So lil brother will hustle up to the counter with his baggie of dollars and change and will ask for the most obsolete game... and every time they're like, "Whoooaaaa dude! I LOVE that game. Just a minute... Hey, Gus!?! Where's that (fill in the blank game)? I KNOW we had it. YESSSSS!!! HERE IT IS DUDE! You are so lucky, man."  And lil brother is TOTALLY stoked. Of course I have to ask the obligatory mom question about whether there are any naked ladies in it, and they assure me just killing and cussing which is perfectly acceptable over here at blither blather headquarters. I'm not necessarily proud of that, but lil brother's already blown my cover on that one... So hopefully this will be my last trip of the summer until lil brother's fall b-day which is around the corner. And then I can guarantee you he's gonna be begging to go visit "his people."  Until then...! 

Losing It

I lost my sh*t in the school parking lot and went all Rambo on big kid. He told his dad, "Mom acted like I was a hooligan! She grabbed my shirt and yelled cuss words at me!" Well...okay...GUILTY! But when big kid slammed the trunk lid on lil brother's collar bone which threw him onto the asphalt in writhing, screaming agony, I crossed to the DARK SIDE. And tasting blood was the only thing that was going to calm the beast... Truth be told, the only reason big kid lived to tell about my misdeeds was because the marching band was practicing in the parking lot, and I wasn't sure that I could contain that many witnesses. Long story short: lil brother has a bad bruise but no broken bones, and big kid had to be his personal slave for the next hour as penance for his stupidity. Can you imagine having lil brother as the boss of you??? I give myself major creativity points on this one.

So later I call in big kid to apologize for being such a crazed mama grizzly bear who nearly ate her young for breakfast. And he mosty forgave me...so I offered him a trip to Sweet CeCe's if that would speed up the forgiveness process. And he felt pretty sure that that would cover his attorney fees and damages and future therapy bills. So I tell him we will officially bury the hatchet, but he tells me, "Too late. Lil brother just told all the kids in driveway that you tried to wrestle me down then cussed me out." ...F@#$!

Understanding God

Lil brother keeps asking me clarifying questions as soon as I issue him a command or request. His questions often start with "How come?" or "Why?" And I sharply remind him that it's not for him to know or understand all the Why's or How Come's of every request. He just needs to listen and obey... And as I said this very thing, the cosmos shifted and a little ray of heavenly understanding sunk in... Who am I to always be asking/whining/demanding/stomping my foot at the Why's and How Come's of God's infinite universe??? Like me, God is BUSY (OK-busier!) and has a lot on his plate. And like lil brother I may not have the maturity or understanding to be entrusted with upper management issues. Clearly God has a game plan, and I am just one of his many players. And some things are just above my pay grade frankly. I need to listen more, argue less, and have a little FAITH once in awhile that God's got it covered. Just maybe not in my time or in my fashion...God be praised!

May those families in Norway feel HIS infinite love and pressence in the midst of their tragedy and heart ache.

Snippets

You know how I recently discovered how the phrase "I'M NAKED!" drives off kids and can give a gal a good few minutes of much craved privacy??? Well, I discovered another one recently. "I'M ON MY PERIOD!" You'da thought I'd scalded big kid with boiling oil. Suddenly I'm walking by myself...not a kid in sight. And I just smile to myself... (FYI-neither of the above work on husbands. You have been warned).

The thoughts of August are starting to piss me off...in a bad way. Y'all know how BAD I hate February...well, August can just go !$#@ itself. S'riously, what a buzz kill. Sucking my fun. Making me buy sch-l sh*t I du-wanna. August-spit!-you are DEAD to me! Dead, I tell you-spit!

I saw a mama at Wal-Mart lose her sh*t yesterday in the parking lot. Her toddler was kicking and smacking an older kid who was struggling to carry her to the car mid-meltdown. When the mama sees her lil hellion carrying on, she shrieks, "Are you hitting your sister?!? DON'T HIT YOUR SISTER!" SMACK! She pops that bad baby a good one. And yes, the irony was exquisite. And yes, I get it. I am guilty of the same thing...laws! Not even Jesus himself couldda withstood the temptation to fire up that baby's leg though. Good thing that the devil never thought to take Jesus to Wal-Mart with a bad baby. He surely wouldda cracked... Just sayin'...

Big Kid

I am feeling convicted about how little I tend to write about my eldest boy-barian, big kid. He is often left out of the Blither Blather chronicles simply because he's often on the go chasing his passions and hobbies leaving lil brother and I to our own messy devices. And although many parents dread the teen years, I have to say that big kid is a 13 year old who I not only like...but respect.

1. The kid is a "Yes, ma'am!" PRO. Every time. No questions asked.
2. There is no household chore that the kid won't do...with no complaining.
3. He lives drama-free.
4. He strives to be pure in body and spirit...and often holds us to a higher standard. Not to mention he runs 3-4 miles daily and can't understand why people would abuse drugs or alcohol.
5. There is no adventure he won't try: flying alone at 10, rafting, climbing, camping, skiing, etc. You name it. Give him a backback, and the kid will GO.
6. The kid is a Jesus freak. And I am often inspired and convicted by the depth of his faith. His moral compass is turned upward. God knew what he was doing when he put this kid in my life...

Isn't it a marvel how our children are our best teachers???

Love this kid... I can't wait to see the man he will become.

Who's Being Punished Here?!?

So lil brother lost his TV/gaming privileges which meant that I ended up being his entertainment for the afternoon. You'd think he wouldn't wanna be up in my grill all day long seeing as how I was the "bad guy" who put the hammer down on him. But no such luck... So we play a round of Go Fish, followed by Mancala, then Candy Land and next CLUE...which I ABHOR but he LOVES... And yes Colonel Mustard did it again with the candlestick... I tell you what, I gotta think up a better punishment where I can have some peace and quiet in the future. And now that I think about it, the kid had a blast playing all those games ALL afternoon. So WHO is being punished over here at Blither Blather headquarters?!? Lil brother wins another round. ...sigh!

Count Down

Lil brother has me check the calendar every other day to see how many more days before his birthday...and there are 54 remaining, as of today. The kid is desperate BIG TIME for his BIG DAY. So I actually sat Mr B down to have a bday planning meeeting/discussion. And here are a few things we've decided...

1. We ain't paying money to rent out some over-utilized-kid-tastic place for a few hours when we have a perfectly good backyard for FREE running around. Will I have to clean the house before, during, and after said event??? !@#$ YES! But we're embracing this retro-old school-stay-at-home birthday party ideology. Sugar crazed kids thumping through the house squirting silly string while screaming like a serial killer's just been released in the bedroom...nothing like it, really. And yes, someone will get hurt, someone will be terrorized, someone will cry, someone will throw up... It's a PARTY for crying out loud. Who would want to miss out on all that???

2. We are not holding adults prisoners. I know this is a little socially awkward to admit, but...other people don't give a sh*t about your kid's bday. Who wants to hand over 1/2 a Saturday to watch kids do all of the above...and worse??? Adults have important stuff to do... like laundry. Plus adults will resent you a little less if their $12.99 bday investment buys them a few hours of freakin' peace from their own annoying kid-let alone your and 12 strangers' kids. Totally worth the investment and the pain in the @ss shopping trip.

3. NO GOODY BAGS!!! !@#$ THAT! Who thought that up anyway?!?!? Dante should have made that a realm of hell in his Inferno for the fool who thought that giving kids bags of plastic sh*t to sprinkle throughout mini vans and houses across town was a good idea. The dog is gagging on it, the husband is stepping on it and cursing like an enraged Russian sailor, and you have to dismantle the vaccuum cleaner to get a piece of it out of the nozzle... I hope the creator of that "good idea" chokes on a plastic piece of goody bag crap... Some people...

And that's about it, really. We will survive. Lil brother will have his shining moment, and the event will go down in the family annals. And hopefully no animals will be hurt in the process.

Welcome to the Club!

We celebrated my gal-pal L's 40th bday last night. And it was a fabulous event. There was a keg, lots of food & drink & goodies, fresh cut flowers, kids running around, the sounds of organic music and singing, ladies in dresses, husbands propped in corners, and even a pair of granny panties that materialized...from God knows where! PERFECT!!! It was the kinda adult party that teenagers aspire to. My friend L really turned the corner in style. Welcome to the 40 & Fab Club!

When Mr B and I got home, big kid (the conscripted baby sitter) was fast asleep (exhausted from ignoring his brother for several hours) and lil brother was hopped up and roaming around in his polar bear pj pants-thrilled to have some party company walk through the door. So I had my late night debriefing with just lil brother-who had the bright-eyed, bushy tailed look of a squirrel on crack. And he informs me that were no problems (yeah, RIGHT) and all the milk is gone...WT??? Once lil brother is in bed-wide awake and no where near ready for sleep-I solve the mystery. There's a bottle of chocolate syrup sitting in a gooey puddle on the kithen counter. Lil brother's been mixin' and chuggin' chocolate milk-getting his PARTEEEE ON! Looks like good times were had...by ALL!

Preposterous Request

Mr B calls me from two counties over while picking up big kid at scout camp to ask me if I will go look in the garage in the white cabinent on the third shelf to find his.....CAULK GUN?!? ...WT@#$! Do I look like someone who jumps up for a CAULK GUN?!? And let me tell you, I grudgingly went to look. But I'm no dummy. I've been taking boy-barian lessons. I stand in front of the cabinent with a blind stare for 1.7 seconds before I proclaim with absolute finality, "It's not in there." And don't think for a minute that I rummage around looking either. Oh, HELL NO! I ain't never seen a man or boy over here at Blither Blather headquarters actually move sh*t AROUND in order to find a requested item. So I tell him the best I can do is leave the garage door open for the neighbor who needs...what was is it again??? Oh, yeah....the caulk gun...

Lest you think I'm totally unhelpful (never mind all the grunt work I did today), I will have you know I was in the MIDDLE of attacking the turtle in my MAH JONG game when he called. And we can all agree that that is WAAAYYYYYYY more important than a whatchamacallitcaulkgun. Pffftttt!

Terrible News!

Via People Magazine (my fav news source!):
Kate Middleton (the Duchess of Cambridge) is Bringing back Sheer Panythose

Ohhhhhh Gaawwwwddddd!!! Ring the Clarion Bells! Join Forces!
Ladies, be strong and STAND TOGETHER! Repeat after me: OH, HELL NO!!!

Member your mama spanking you before church and squeezing your arm cause you were whining and resistant to be rolled up in sagging hose that ALWAYS had a run in them and were sliding down your hips that you had to continually claw back up or pick out of your butt??? Remember surviving the 80's and all those godawful white hose we wore with all that permed hair???

Laws... I refuse. On principle. Been there. Done that.

BLASPHEMY!

I have a sassy, smart, young 20 sumpin' friend who is planning her wedding (love you, J!)...and is considering wearing NO MAKE-UP!!! I nearly had 20 heart attacks at the thought! BLASPHEMY!!! And of course, I could NOT keep my opinion to myself. I wouldn't be caught dead without make-up...even at my own funeral! Full face, is what I told her. And NEVER skip foundation. EVER. Oh, and waterproof mascara for big events that change your life. And full on eye make-up so your eyes POP in those pics... THAT WILL LIVE FOREVER...sometimes longer than the marriage itself. It's one thing to regret your choice of groom. Your choice of looking bland and blah on your wedding day??? Oh, HELL NO!!!! No amount of therapy can fix that regret... Y'all also know I NEVER leave home without lipstick or gloss. I mean, what if you spy the high school boyfriend in line at the bank??? Laws, whip out the tube of gloss, of course! So glossed lips at your wedding is a MUST-although lined and lipsticked is better for all that kissing, chatting, and eating you're gonna be doing.

I have WORE myself out worrying 'bout this. As you can see from all those above exclamation marks. Who knew the thought of NO MAKE-UP could send me into such a tizzy. BLASPHEMY!

FYI-I remember my first lipstick. I found it in my granny's bathroom cabinent. It was Cherries in the Snow. And laws, it was DARK! And I LOVED it... wore it down to a nub. Which led to pilfering old, nearly dried out bottles of foundation from my mama which I (badly) applied in my middle school locker mirror, to thick bright blue eye liner in high school... And y'all, I've never looked back!

Keep applying, gals!

Crazy Chinese Lady

I have a new manic-obsessive addiction to the Chinese game of Mah-Jong. And I think it's beginning to affect my "real" life as I walk around muttering to myself about east winds and green dragons and bamboo nines and the cursed fortress and the spider's relentless snare. It is the last thing I think about at night and my first goal of the day to dismantle the turtle or the cat before I will even consider getting out of my nightgown and dealing with chores an' such. OK-so call me weird. But I will be the MASTER of the dragon's teeth...if it's the last crazy thing I do.

fashion quiz

'Hood Report

Nuthin' much happening in my neck of the woods. Hope y'all survive the heat index of 110 degrees today....laws! That'll really ruin a gal's hair for sure.

Stay cool!

Fashion Advice

Ok-so this was a stupid question to ask a man. But no one else was around, and I really needed some fashion input on my upcoming shopping trip. "So what new direction do you think I should take my wardrobe?" And Mr B answers surprisingly quickly for a man who has never given 7 consecutive seconds to the thought of putting clothes together.

"Trashy," he assures me. "Throw in some Wal-Mart, some Target, a little bit o' last year, and a few hand-me-downs, and you're covered. Although if you're not in the mood for trashy, I personally prefer slutty..."

And I'm not gonna lie, I was IMPRESSED that he had this much knowledge on the topic, as I sat their mouth agape. Who knew that MR B, of all men, knew sumpin' about women's fashion??? However, not sure that I'm gonna use him as my personal shopper. Looks like I'm gonna be calling some girlfriends today for some REALZZZZ advice.

Relaxing Woman vs Working Man

Have y'all ever watched a man "work" from home? Well, at the risk of starting a marital fight via this blog (trust me gentle readers, this is familiar territory for me-have no fears), I have been observing this phenomena while on summer hiatus from my own kick @ss job. You'd think while on hiatus I'd be "resting" or "relaxing." Call me up on any given day and you will hear the hiss of the washing machine, the churning of the dishwasher, or the thumping of the dryer in the background as I text, talk on the phone, or fold and put sh*t away. Actually stop by for a visit, and you will see my @ss bent over throwing sh*t in a basket while hollerin' at disappearing chil'ren as I'm windexing the counters and stirring the pot on the stove. I guess you might call this multi-tasking (i.e. "woman relaxing"). Contrast this to the "man-at-work" phenomena: he sits on couch intently and obliviously watching History Channel or Pawn Stars while kids, pets, and wife run amok and chaos ensues with no visible signs of stress or anxiety or an increase in blood pressure or pulse. And when you ask him about the project he's working on which is due the next day, he assures you, "Yup. Almost finished." WTH???

I've decided I need to retire from this "relaxing woman" gig and get me a "work from home man job." I don't even care if I get any vacation days or insurance benefits. I just wanna focus on ONE THING AT A TIME....like holding the clicker, thank you very much.

Visitin' Day

Norman Rockwell painting

Today was visitin' day. We went to check on Grandmother at the old folks home...and the parking lot was FULL!!! I actually had to do some AGRESSIVE driving to finally circle my way outta there and park at the Kroger's gas station, walk over, and then cut through the landscaping just to get into the old folks home as more folks were pouring in. Who knew?!? I mean this place was busier than the MALL where I had just come from. And when we finally got inside, the place was a hustling-bustling beehive with folks shucking and jivin' all over the place. Come to find out, Grandmother told us, lunch was about to be served (I swear it was 10:45 AM), and they were serving hot roast beef with gravy, biscuits, green beans, a salad, and fudge pie...ALL FOR $3!!! Now y'all, this is about the best kept secret in my little town. Grandmother even said, "They serve real country cooking here. This food has taste!" And from all the elbowing I had to do to get in there, I BELIEVE her. I'm making a reservation for next week.

Kinda makes you look forward to your turn at the old folks home.

Come-to-Jesus Meetin': Success!

Y'all know that I was threatenin' to have that Come-to-Jesus meetin' with lil brother a few posts ago??? Well, it happened. And even Mr B got in on the action. Truth be told, Mr B just wanted lil brother to settle down and fly right just so I'd quit chewing on his @ss 'bout it. But whetev....it got results. Point in Case: All day yesterday, ever time lil brother spoke to me, he addressed me as his "shugah-love"-in EVERY SENTENCE outta his mouth as a matter o' fact.

And for the time being, I feel quite justified and mollified...

SICK

I am SICK and disgusted by the Casey Anthony verdict of not guilty. SICK, I tell you. That poor baby was murdered by it's mother. Do I have ABSOLUTE PROOF??? Well, HELL NO! And I don't need it. Circumstantial evidence is enough for me. What the hell happened to good ol' fashioned COMMON SENSE??? Remember when you were little and first learned the sayings, "Walks like a duck, quacks like a duck?" or "Where's there's smoke, there's fire?" What more truth do you need than that??? Looking up chloroform and neck breaking and having the smell of death reak from your car trunk??? And did I mention the hair fibers??? How can that be ignored??? If jurors need ABSOLUTE PROOF to believe a person's guilt, then why are they so willing to believe the defense's fiction of sexual abuse and drowning? Did we have ABSOLUTE PROOF of that?!? Pshaw... SICK, I tell you. Justice did not occur in that court room for that sweet child...

Casey Anthony might be celebrating her "victory," but she has to live with the everlasting truth of her choices and actions. Every second of every day. Not to mention living a life looking over her shoulder waiting for retribution...or justice, perhaps? That woman has just entered purgatory... so let her have her "freedom." That will be nothing compared to the final reckoning she will have with our almighty JUDGE & JURY.

SICK and SAD, I tell you.

Happy 4th

God bless the USA!

Man-Dilemma

Five minutes before loading up and moving out for church, Mr B gets a very IMPORTANT phone call. From the CABLE GUY. Who wants to come by EARLY. I know, right?!? This is right up there with hitting the big lottery, for crying out loud. Whoever heard of a cable guy coming by EARLY?!? Preposterous! I could tell from Mr B's tight, pained voice that having to choose church over the cable guy was KILLING him. With every fiber of his being I could tell he wanted to shout, "C'mon over dude! I'll be waiting on ya, man!" The agony and pathos was EPIC. But instead he drove us to church all slouched over and deflated and defeated. Poor guy... Life just ain't fair.

Cleaning Day

Woohoo!!! It's housecleaning day!!!
I know the troops are gonna be dancin' for joy when I break the news after their br'fast cereal rampage.

Cleaning Tip:
There's a mom in my neck of the woods who lives with 3 boy-barians and REFUSES to go upstairs to their boy quarters EVER (y'all know how BAD I hate to do the same). So here's what this forward thinking mom does: she sends them upstairs with the digital camera to take pics of their rooms, and then she reviews the evidence....downstairs! BRILLIANT!!! This lady is my new hero.

Cleaning Story:
While floating in the pool the other day, this mom friend told this story about zapping out cleaning orders to her three chil'ren. The youngest pipes up, "Why don't YOU do sumpin!" So she does. She flips him over her knee and wears his @ss out. Now how bout that?!? Don't you just LOVE a story with a happy ending???

Happy cleaning day, y'all!

Oh, my...!

Well, now... This bumper sticker gave me sumpin' to re-think. Generally speaking "slut" is about the worst name a gal can be called down here in the South. But now with this new achronym afloat, we may ALL be jumpin' on the bandwagon. Generally speaking I am way too finicky and lazy for the old-fashioned definition of "slut," but as a modern woman living in a hectic world...I just might have to embrace this newfangled terminology. As they say, "When in Rome..."