Muse girl's homework assignment

Dear Readers,
Here is a correspondence I recently received from my favorite blogger muse girl. Please review at your leisure.

Okay-in an effort to be more authentic, first I must tell you that your new found optimism was chapping my metaphorical ass. Then, I realized I was just envious that you can still summon that feeling and I really can't. So, then I decided WWDBD? I've embraced the new optimistic you (hoping you'll come to your senses eventually) and decided to issue you a challenge. You can use this message in your blog if you want. I'm issuing you some homework--find the positive side of the following subjects:
1. laundry
2. dental visits/bills
3. grading essays
4. snarky parent emails
5. offspring fighting in public
6. YOUR PERIOD
7. pissy husbands
8. camping trips in Nov.
9. carpet stains
10. in-laws
There's the list. Don't want to kill your buzz, really. I think you'll succeed in finding the positive in all of these and you'll do it with humor and eloquence!!! LOVE YOU!!!!!!
Muse Girl

Alright, muse girl, I’m gonna put my money where my mouth is. I’m going take a swing at this positive attitude thing…you keep score.

1. Laundry-is my trump card for not doing stuff I don’t wanna. For example: Mr B recently asked me if I wanted to join him for a Saturday round of paintball. Instead of saying, “Hell no!” (because I really would rather do laundry than be shot in the ass) I just sweetly reply, “I’ve got the laundry to do, sweetie.” Laundry is the trump card that creates harmony in a marriage.
2. Dental visits/bills-I have paid so much money in dental bills over the past few years that I actually own the @#! lounge chair that I am lying in. My name should be on a plaque on the back. So I like to check in on my investment at least twice a year. It makes me feel good to know that others are enjoying the comfort of my chair right before they get screwed too.
3. Grading essays-well, it is better than scrubbing toilets or getting a pap smear…kinda.
4. Snarky parent emails-Squashing bratdom and stomping on entitlement is exquisitely self-satisfying. I consider it a calling. And yes, you will get bloody and dirty and sometimes shot in the ass (my version of paintabll).
5. Offspring fighting in public-It validates every evil thought you ever had about your baby's daddy’s DNA contribution.
6. Your period-Well, it is a vacation, of sorts…from other…um…obligations.
7. Pissy husbands-the best reason for girlfriends!
8. Camping trips in Nov-OK, these really suck. Really bad. But the bitching rights you get from your one-time-trek into the wild means that you never have to go back again. And after all that whining and complaining, no husband in his right mind would ever want you to either.
9. Carpet stains-a chance to purge pent up f-bombs!
10. In-laws-the reason for joyfully sending Christmas cards while enjoying your own peaceful home each holiday!

Love you, muse girl! But seriously, this calls for a shot of tequila…

***Breaking News***
Check in with muse girl on New Year’s Day to read her top 5 list for promoting World Peace! And as a special bonus feature, she will be listing (in the style of Julie Andrew’s from The Sound of Music) 10 of her most favorite things!! You won’t be disappointed!!!
You’ll certainly find me there… Cheers!

Thought for the Day...

With all the New Year's sentiments that are whirling around the virtual world, I found a little nugget that actually made me stop....and think. Not the typical response in the speed-read-blogosphere. This came from the blog, Did I Just Eat That Out Loud. Check her out in my blog list.

Happiness is an action. And even in the face of adversity, or especially in the face of adversity, I choose how to react. I choose. And I am getting back to that place where my choice is happy. Maybe not ecstatic or thrilled or satisfied or content. Maybe just happy enough. But happy nonetheless.

Happiness is an action? Not a state of being or a birthright or passive, emotional stasis? Happiness is action-the act of doing and being? For those of us who struggle with this, this concept is strangely empowering. I can actively create my own happiness-in spite of (to spite?) my circumstances or failures or grievances. ...I've got some more thinking to do...and hope you do too.

Over the Fence

You may not believe this-but I have a touch of optimism in my nature-with a strong streak of realism. I am an equal opportunity supporter of Santa AND New Year’s resolutions. I am a sucker for the sentimental nature of the holidays and even more so for new beginnings. I love the idea of “newness:” never-worn shoes, a fresh lipstick, a new haircut, an outfit with the tags still on it, unsharpened pencils, a fresh notebook never written in are a few of my favorites. So yes, I will be making new plans and dreaming old dreams for the upcoming year. Will all my dreams and ambitions be fulfilled? Will my talents and will power stand the test of time? Likely I will fail in many areas. That’s reality. But I’m optimistically embracing faith in the future, faith in myself, and faith in my fellows. The New Year is hurtling towards us, so why not take a swing and hope for the best? I have faith that we’re gonna knock it over the fence this time!

Packing Up!

Time to put away the Christmas crap! Hope you like the new decor!

Better Than Paper Dolls!!!

If you're a regular blither blather reader, then you know that I am a Mad Men fan (AMC channel), and I think everyone should watch this TV show. It has the cultural staying power of major hit shows such as The Sopranos and Lost. Not to mention that the story line and characters/situations are exquisitely ironic. So when a friend sent me the address for creating Mad Men avatars, I wasted no time. Folding laundry or emptying out the dishwasher can wait-trust me. Creating these 1960's alter egos is a creative and free way to idle away an hour of your afternoon. Even Mr B made an avatar for himself. So you are looking at the 1960's wanna-be versions of Mr & Mrs B-circa 1960. Check it out!!! Seriously-way more fun than paper dolls!

http://www.amctv.com/originals/madmen/madmenyourself/

Fishy Business

I caved and allowed big kid to get a facebook page. I know-the jury is still out on this-but once you walk through a door, you can’t very well walk back through it again. So if we made a mistake, you know I’ll be the first to holler. Mostly big kid is friends with family members, both parents, and some middle school cohorts and seems to be enjoying the virtual games. Seeing his status updates has been weird though. Even though I live with him and should know everything, it’s kinda neat seeing this different angle to who he is. So really my problem is not big kid on facebook (although I have been consciously monitoring my own status updates so as not to get a Puritan reprimand from him)-it’s lil brother who’s the pain. He’s pestering me to get on facebook too. Not gonna happen. So that means he’s always hovering over big kid's shoulder to see what’s happening in big kid’s virtual fish tank on facebook. It wasn’t until he reported this to me that I actually sat up and paid attention:

lil brother (very excited): De fishes make out! Den dey make de egg and DEN you get a baby fish! (a little sad) …But I only get to mate once a day…

OK-guess who has a facebook fish aquarium now??? MR B-of course. Because we didn’t sign up for all this mating/egg business. So Mr B is the Official FB Monitor now. So now when I get on facebook and see big kid’s fish tank postings-Mr B’s fish tank is right there also. And guess what Mr B is doing with his fish tank now??? …mating once a day!

Texting/Sexting-relax, people!

OK-so my first attempt at texting didn't go so well. I thought I was texting my friend M-(who was expecting my text) but who acted like she didn't know me. Yeah, right-I’ll show her! So I called her a b#tch...and when "M-" wanted to know how I knew her...well…I said…well…something I shouldn’t have. So I will probably go to jail for texting/sexting an innocent bystander. I mean-I was just off by one number-puhleeeze. But I'm hoping some of my pals will visit me in the slammer and bring me some chocolate chip cookies and Vick’s Vapor Rub (an ancient Chinese cure-all). And why is it that some people have NO sense of humor? I mean if some stranger called me a b#tch, I think I might laugh that off. Right??? So my texting (sexting?) days may be numbered. Not to mention that I text like a retard...random letters and all with only the curse words right...sigh...(I am hoping that the text-ee will assume I'm Russian with all the extra j's and p's thrown in.) I’d like to say I have learned my lesson from this, but honestly, I am sure this is only the beginning of my texting/sexting faux pas’s. And I understand if you don’t want me to have your number….really.

For the record: I did type the word "apologies" to my unintended victim. Do you know how looooonnnggggg that word took me?!? Miss Uppity didn't act like she appreciated my attempt at civility. Some people...

Christmas Aftermath

In the profound words of lil brother: Dis was the de best Christmas EVER!

Yes, indeed... yes, indeed. Hope your day was filled with joy, magic, surprises, and peace. Blessings!

The Man in Red (who shall not be named)

Mr B has laid down the law to lil brother. He is going to see the man in red-like it or not. Mr B will not back down from this. Lil brother, on principle, is a conscientious objector. And I can’t blame him. I sure wouldn’t want to have to explain some of his “tricks” this past year.

Mr B: “You are going to take a shower and wear church clothes! (the kiss of death) It’s like going to confession. You just gotta look him in the eye and face the music.” (We’re not Catholic-btw-because lil brother and I would never leave the parking lot.)
Lil brother (nervous giggling): “Nooooooooooooooooooooooo!”

I kinda feel sorry for lil brother. Being good is just more stressful for some than others. Just glad it’s not me…

Matchy-Matchy

OK-I confess: I am guilty of this. Why is it that moms love matchy-matchy? Seeing this ad makes me realize how retarded (sorry-that’s very politically incorrect) it looks. It’s the kind of thing that makes others roll their eyes and throw up just a little in their mouth, but you’re so enamored of the matchy-matchy that you can’t see the revulsion you’ve inflicted on innocent bystanders. I actually had to give up on my dreams of matchy-matchy a few years ago when big kid rebelled right before the annual Christmas picture at…drum roll…WAL-MART (the center of purgatory). Getting the annual Christmas pic sends our family into a kamikaze nosedive which makes all of us act out in front of America's finest customers. Mr B becomes a domineering drill sergeant; I become a frazzled harpy; big kid becomes sullen and whiney; and lil brother runs amok and touches everything he shouldn’t which causes Mr B to bark orders…which causes me to bitch at Mr B…which causes big kid to whine about how hot his sweater is making him…which causes lil brother… you get the idea. No picture on earth is worth all this hell. So the last year that I put the boys in matching sweaters, big kid walked 50 feet behind us so that others would not correctly assume he had a lil brother with the same sweater, Mr B got all pushed out of joint about big kid’s attitude, the photographer started talking baby talk which mortified big kid which ramped up lil brother like a baby high on hot chocolate which caused me to fight with Mr B. So when the phone in the studio rang and the photographer ran to grab it, Mr B said some very threatening things to all of us (which I will not repeat), grabbed the camera, and threatened to beat @ss if anyone moved a hair out of line, and actually took the most amazing Christmas pic we’ve ever gotten. The photographer was actually a little confused when she returned and we were all packed up, but no one said a word because Mr B still meant business. And of course big kid walked 50 feet behind us all the way through a crowded Wal-Mart parking lot hoping that everyone would assume he was an orphan who could handle things on his own. So that was the B—family swan song for matchy-matchy and the organized Christmas pic. And honestly-we are better people for putting the matchy-matchy madness to rest.

All God's Creatures

The boys and I will be making peanut butter birdseed pine cones for the birds and critters on Dec 24th (the longest day of the year). This annual event usually draws bored and antsy kids from all over the neighborhood. It gives us all something to do while we impatiently wait for Santa. It's messy and sticky to be sure but a good way to while away an hour and get some fresh air. Afterwards it's hot chocolate and marshmallows. Caring for God's creatures on Christmas eve just feels right. And of course the reindeer will be wanting their carrot and celery sticks as well.

Blessings!

Two Faced

I’ve got a bunch of two-faced friends. But please-don’t feel sorry for me-I like it that way. I actually consider them one of my greatest blessings-outside of Mr B and the boys, of course. Do you know how convenient it is to have a pool shark, a psychic and a fly-girl at your disposal, 24-7? But here’s the thing: to look at them-you’d never guess it. Under their cool, level headed exteriors beat the hearts of warriors, gypsies, queens, jesters, temptresses, healers, bandits, saints, (unrepentant) sinners, lovers, mothers, power brokers, and she-wolves. And it is a privilege that I am allowed to see their many faces. I have earned that right with time and trust. These women are no less enigmatic than Cleopatra, Nefertiti, Madonna, Mother Theresa, or The Steel Magnolias. And yes-they have pasts-and baggage-and secrets-and regrets. And I love them because they are unpredictable contradictions. Because here’s the deal: I’m two-faced too. Sometimes I’m loving and vengeful, reasonable and mean spirited, loyal yet jealous, and every other messy, two-faced contradiction you might imagine. So I need my two faced friends. Because they get me, support me, and adore me. And I them. So believe it not, I hope you’ve got a few two-faced friends too. Because the other kind are simply too boring. Here lies the lesson...

In the spirit of those great gals from Steel Magnolias who remind us of the power of female relationships that nurture and sustain us, enjoy their delightful yet wicked humor!

When it comes to pain and suffering, she's right up there with Elizabeth Taylor.

Clairee Belcher: Well, you know what they say: if you don't have anything nice to say about anybody, come sit by me!

Ouiser Boudreaux: You are too twisted for color TV!

Ouiser Boudreaux: I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood 40 years!

Ouiser Boudreaux: A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste.

Clairee Belcher: Oh like she cares. Ousier's never done a religious thing in her life.
Ouiser Boudreaux: Now that is not true. When I was in school, a bunch of my friends and I would dress up as nuns and go bar-hoppin'.

Ouiser Boudreaux: Don't try to get on my good side…I no longer have one!

Laundry Day

We should all do what, in the long run, gives us joy, even if it is only picking grapes or sorting the laundry. EB White

Ya'll know how much I hate laundry. It is my albatross and my nemesis. Just when I think it's done, I find the boys have been stockpiling a hidden load upstairs. Or rolled up socks creep from under the bed to flaunt their smelliness and deliberately laugh at me as I come unhinged. Or I find that good child (sweet ol' Murph) has a cache of old panties that he's been secretly enjoying in some forgotten, dusty corner (his only character flaw). It is Never. Ever. Done. On the day I pass, the laundry will be overflowing. And it will probably be my last earthly regret that I didn't get it done before going. It is such a huge part of my life now, that Mr B, without a hint of sarcasm, calls it my hobby. And since I spend so much of my free time doing it-well-I guess it is....dammit....

So here's my never-heard-before confession: I am actually looking forward to doing the laundry today. Knowing that I have two weeks in which to piddle around my house and get things done, takes the pressure off the typical Saturday-laundry-scream-a-thon-marathon. So for the record: I am stain removing, sorting, stuffing, and folding all the while thinking kind thoughts about my family and the universe. ...or maybe I'm just high on Tide...

Last Day of School for 2009!!!

Hatin' on Tiger

Ya'll know that I'm a celebrity rag-mag junkie. And my last hater episode was all about Jon Gosselin. But now I have moved on to Tiger Woods. And no, I am not a golf fan or a Tiger fan. The level of deceit and utter lack of regard that he had for his wife is-well-shocking-even for a mega star. The details are so sordid and shocking that I make Mr B analyze every breaking detail with me. I update him on all the new angles and even made him try and explain to me why Tiger could be such an ego-maniac. Which was a bad idea-because then it sounded like he was defending him-which made me even madder. And there I was soaking in the tub-trying to relax-but was mad as dirt at both Mr B AND Tiger. So hatin' on Tiger has not been good for Mr B.

But for the record, I am glad Tiger's wife is leaving him. No woman deserves that utter lack of regard or respect or protection. And there is no amount of money on earth that can substitute for self-worth and living an authentic life based on love and honesty. I guess more than being mad-Tiger makes me sad. How is it that the man who has "everything"-really has nothing of value at all. To quote the Greek playwright Sophocles, "I would not give so much as the shadow of smoke for all he owns...he is a dead man walking." Tragic. Just tragic...

By-gone era

This holiday pic is like a scene out of Mad Men. I am recommending this series to all my pals. Getting to look at the 50's and 60's with a modern eye is a juicy delight! It will remind you of your parents and grandparents....and make you wonder how our own time period will stand the test of time under the glaring eye of the future. I'm afraid those episodes of The Real Housewives of_______________ (trash-ville!) will come back to haunt us... So watch a few episodes of Mad Men (we're a netflix family) and you will be hooked on the plot and characters (oh my!) and the time period. Promise!

Enjoy the groovy colors!

Holiday Humps

Even the man in red has holiday difficulties to overcome. Good to know, Santa...good to know. Keep working on your merry!!!

Justice or Vengeance?

A neighbor kid knocked on our door this weekend, so I hollered at big kid to deal with it. Big kid slowly and casually wanders over to the door while neighbor kid watches him through the glass side panel. Neighbor kid asks if lil brother can come outside to play. Big kid (all deadpan) says, "No, he won't play with you." and then slams the door in neighbor kid's face. I am stunned by big kid's rudeness. As big kid idles past me (with my mouth hanging open in shock like a bass mounted on a wall plaque), he says, "I've always wanted to do that. He does that to me all the time. And now I finally got my chance." And you know what, I gave the kid a high-five. Because I. Get. It. And I did not waste my breath by giving him the "be a better person" speech either. Because sometimes being "the better person" isn't the right thing to do. Turn about is fair play. I recently had an opportunity to dish out a little bit of benign mischief to someone who is persistently childish, insecure, whining, and passive aggressive. And quite frankly, it was WORTH IT. So I let big kid have his moment. Because nothing feels more satisfying than fair turn-about.

And if you're feeling morally superior after reading this, then by all means, pat yourself on the back.

Book Fair Underbelly

In the midst of one of the most stressful weeks of 2009 (see previous posting for scant details), lil brother kept pestering me about the book fair at his school. And because I was a frazzled, preoccupied (bad) parent, it took 4 times before I actually did anything about it. Yes, I'm a language arts teacher-appreciate that irony. I'm too busy to be bothered about reading. ANYHOO... So I finally paid attention, got it on the calendar, sent the email to Mr B about stopping by the bank to get lil brother some real money who then left work early to fight rush hour traffic all in the name of lil brother's future happiness. So on Friday, I sent a happy lil brother off to school with a 10 dollar bill to foray into a world of literary possibilities.

Fastforward to afternoon: Lil brother's not saying much about his book selection when repeatedly pressured to show and tell. Even big kid gets involved.
BK (disgusted): Noah, just tell us what you got!
LB (resigned): 'Is dus a scam.
Me (confused): A scam? You got a book about a scam??? That's the name of the book?
LB: No. 'Is dus a scam. At first I liked de book, then later I didn't like de book...dus a scam.

And he refused to say another word. I have yet to see evidence of the book scam. So when I later reported this incident to Mr B, his only question was, "Did he get any change back?" And all I can think...'Is dus a scam.

Exhausted Yet Victorious

All's been quiet on the blogging front this week because my presence was needed on the front lines of the battlefield. Usually the general hangs back and barks commands to the underlings who rush along obeying orders. But this week I had to lead the charge, carry the flag, beat the drums, slay the enemy, decode intelligence, parley with top officials, tend the wounded, maneuver my field position, rouse the masses, send in the peace corps, bank the fires of dissent, pull the trigger on the trigger happy, decapitate traitors, and then deliver the press release. All in one week. So-I'm exhausted-although that word is really not strong enough. If I were a rich celebrity, I would check into the hospital right now and my publicist would be issuing a statement about respecting my privacy while I take a much deserved break from the pressures of public scrutiny. Instead I'm on my couch at 3 something AM brewing coffee and talking back to the voices in my head who woke me up for instant replay of hell week. The fact that I'm not a casualty of a bloody massacre is downright providential. I took some risks that should have blown up in my face. But when you lock and load, there's no going back. Gotta look it dead it in the eyes and go for glory. So yes, I got blood on my hands. It wasn't pretty-never is. You don't fight three different battles and survive to tell the story without having to commit a few questionable acts in the process. But it's done. And I gave as good as I got-and then some.

The Endless Possibilities

Whole lot of this going on at my house. My boys are always working on THE LIST-adding, deleting, thinking, shuffling. It's a real living, breathing document. No matter what toy/gift they think up for the list, I never say no-although most of what is on that list won't be bought. Because you know what I've figured out? It's not what's on the list (or even under the tree) that's so important. It's the endless possibilities that are so magical and mesmerizing. And making the list costs nothing. Christmas is the season for possibility and hope-and you don't even have to spend a dime. And how heart-warming is that??? Guess it's true-there are some things money just can't buy.

Here's hoping some of your wishes come true this holiday season.

Holiday Throw Back

Operation Santa is in full swing. And Santa's helpers are thicker than thieves. Hope they don't blow their cover...

"Raw Cat" Report

The "raw-cats"(that's rockettes if you're recently tuning in) were GREAT! In spite of the girlie nature of the show, both boys were enchanted and big kid even asked to borrow his dad's glasses (since he left his at home) to better see all those high kicks-which caused Mr B to raise his eyebrows and Honey (the grandmother) to chuckle. Looks like big kid is paying attention to all those skirts and legs. And I loved it all. You kinda feel like a fool for smiling so much-but it really was entertaining and heart warming and impressive. Worth the money-definately.

The unintended hi-lite of our Christmas day trip though was our lunch at the Aquarium restaurant (overpriced but worth the aquatic experience of dining with sharks). The boys really enjoyed walking around the circular tanks making discoveries and snapping pics (I will post a few of their favs). And the food was good...you never know at these places. But my only regret was that I waited so long to give in to lil brother's constant requests to pet the sting rays (another opportunity to hand your money over to strangers). So after 3 hrs of dodging and redirecting-I couldn't take it another minute-I marched him over and shelled out the bucks for him to completely soak his sweater and wipe shrimp-goo down the front of it (sigh). But he totally loved petting the "ex-a-rays" so actually it made me happy for getting to make his day.

Hope your family is enjoying some of your own excursions! Will post a few pics soon...

Lil brother is under the illusion that we are going to see the "raw-cats" this evening. Not sure the Rockettes can quite live up to that venue expectation. And of course, once I break the news to him that he's also gonna wear his Christams sweater... well, you can just imagine how that's gonna play out.

BTW-I am very excited about seeing the "raw-cats" and making a trip to the big city!!! AND the first dusting of snow sifted in last night while we were all asleep. I am SURE this is an omen!

Tight Rope

Big kid: "Dad was actually right! Girls are like a pack of animals. If you tell one "no" and make her mad at you, they will all come after you!"

So to help him out of his jam after rejecting C's advances, Mr B made him write her a letter saying that he thinks she's nice and pretty and maybe he'll ask her to dance at the next school dance but for now he's just too busy and she's really a great friend, etc, etc, etc, (I helped with the spelling, of course; no call for a poorly spelled rejection letter)... and according to good pal Drew, C seemed flattered and placated by this and called off the girl-wolf-pack.

But from big kid's reports, another round of drama is brewing in homeroom, lunch, and 5th period and the girl's are angling again. And as he is giving me all the gory (juicy!) details, he is totally flummoxed about how everyone seems to know what is going on-except him (snicker! eye roll!). From the looks of it, Tristan-Cheyenne-Dakota-Michaela-Jordan are teaching big kid some important lesson life lessons. Big kid better watch himself...

A Rockwell Christmas

Norman Rockwell gets it right every time!

BTW-very proud of Mr B for not being a grumpus during tree decorating. He had to arrange the uncooperative, lop-sided angel on our 9 ft tree several times-to my satisfaction-and didn't utter a single, solitary complaint (and I KNOW he was thinking some very bad thoughts about her).

XOXOXOX to Mr B!!!

Final GOYA Posting!

Get Off Your @ss Tuesday

Quote from the blog Did I just eat that out loud? :
And the truth is, in my heart of hearts, I am lazy. And I am very good at the lazy. I am the Tiger Woods of lazy. Perfectly content to stay in my house for days on end, just riding the buttdent in my sofa, watching seriously bad reality television, reading cookbooks, and giving myself pedicures.

It’s just who I am.

I have a talent for coming up with The Good Idea. Just ask my pals and co-workers. It’s a God-given gift. The Good Idea just falls out of my head (@ss???) with no effort and little provocation. So 8 weeks ago when The Good Idea for GOYA popped into my brain-I was SOLD! So I hit the keyboard to brag to you about this new idea-so very proud of myself for birthing yet another Good Idea. And just as I was patting myself on the back, it hit me….SH*T!!! I was gonna have to get off my @ss!!! And then the resentment set in. Yes, I was mad at you. For expecting me to get off my ass. Then I got sneaky and thought about just “forgetting” and started hoping and praying that ya’ll just weren’t smart enough to remember. Then guilt showed up. Live a lie? Wasn’t I using this blog as a way to be honest about my successes and failures? So here’s the truth: I really didn’t want to get off my ass…I just wanted to talk about getting off my @ss. And then resignation set in. I knew I was gonna have to keep this promise to tell you the truth-because I just can’t live with myself any other way. So I grudgingly got off the couch, put on my sneakers, and harrassed/bribed Mr B into joining me.

So 8 wks later and 10.8 lbs thinner, I am definitely in a better place-physically and mentally. Do I love exercising and dieting? HELL NO! Am I doing it perfectly? Hardly. But I’m doing it-mumble bitching the whole way as a matter of fact. So if you were a part of the village who tuned in every Tues to read my GOYA report-thank you. For being that invisible force that kept me honest-when my own apathy felt so safe and warm and comfortable. So GOYA boot camp is over. What’s next? A whole lot more work. But I’m well on my way!

PS And for now, I’m on Good Idea hiatus. Will keep you posted when the next one rears its ugly head…or not!

Mini-Muse Girl: 5 yr old A-

Featuring Plate-Blogger: my friend's daughter, 5 yr old A-

As the mother of 2 boys, I have a particular soft spot for the daughters of my women friends. These girls are a vicarious pleasure to be around, and I LOVE to hear about the adventures and crisis(es?) of raising girls, whether it’s fashion wars, slumber party drama, horse riding escapades, daddy-to-the-rescue-stories, teacher tales, or icky boy-troubles. And then there’s all the pink. As the mother of sons, I am not even allowed to pass through a pink aisle in the big box stores. Oh no-we will walk three aisles over to avoid this heresy.

So when 5 yr old A- decorated her Santa plate with her mom and wrote down her wishes-I was tickled silly! A baby that pees and eats! A Barbie Hotel! Yes, Yes, Yes!!! I wanted these too! I distinctly remember spending hours of every day playing mommy and house and when I wasn’t doing these things-I was making Barbie play mommy and house. I even bribed my younger brother and boy-neighbor to play Barbie with me too (even at that young age, a naked Barbie held great power!) My favorite Christmas present-to this day-was the Barbie penthouse-with elevator!!! What could be better?!? (Well, the red convertible Barbie car is a close second…) But one of my (untapped) adult passions is for houses/homes. I love to spend hours watching/reading/seeing homes of all kinds. Never met a house/home I didn’t like or couldn’t fantasize about how to make better. And it all started with owning Barbie realstate.

So as I looked at young A’s plate that clearly outlined her heart’s desires, I was reminded of the very real pressures of playing mommy and house that can be so overwhelming-as we grown-up girls are quite aware. But lil’ A’s dream plate was also a precious reminder to me about my own “inner-girl.” My grown-up girl life sometimes makes it really difficult for her to emerge. So this holiday season, I propose we re-connect to our inner-girl and remember that’s she’s alive and well (maybe buried under her adult persona)-but her dreams and passions have carried us to where we are today. That inner girl is the mother to many of our greatest joys and accomplishments. And I’m afraid she doesn’t always get the honor and attention she deserves…

So, my young friend A-, I hope ALL your wishes come true this year. I’m rooting for ya’! And thanks for taking me down girlhood memory lane. What a sweet gift!

And…um…maybe I can come over sometime soon to play Barbie?… just for a little while? … Let’s ask your mom!

Early Request

Santa Baby,
I’ve been pretty good-mostly recently. And the times that I haven’t been very nice, I was provoked. Seriously. So if you don’t mind, could you give a girl a break-please?

I’m not asking for much. I just really NEED some snow for Christmas. As in LOTS of it-like arse deep. This is not a want. I repeat: I NEED snow. Sooner and deeper would be nice. Oh-and could you make sure the electricity stays on, too? Because I can’t enjoy my snow if I don’t get to watch the school closings at 5:13 AM or pop popcorn in the microwave or play stupid games on the internet and call all my teacher pals all giddy and what-not. And of course I gotta do laundry since it is my hobby and all. So thanks, that would be really great.

And I promise, you won't regret it: I’ll make it worth your while, Santa Baby…(wink!wink! ...Could we just keep this between you and me? Mr B doesn't need to know everything...)

your biggest fan,
blither blather

Tis the Season

The Christmas season has officially begun at our house. What was the exact moment that I knew this? When I overheard Mr B say to lil' brother, "So what do you think Santa would think about that if he could see you now, huh?" And with the first threat of the season uttered, we're crackin' along at a pretty good holiday pace!

T-DAY

HAPPY THANKSGIVING, FRIENDS!

Thanksgiving Interview

Mom: Tell me 5 things you are grateful for:

Big kid:
1. heavy metal music
2. my family and dog
3. my friends
4. holidays
5. my house

Big kid (who's a little grouchy from having to clean up) wants to list what he is NOT grateful for:
1. being grounded
2. an annoying lil brother
3. "when people lie to me!"
4. bad supper
5. when I don't get to go to my friend's house

Lil' brother IS grateful for:
1. the food
2. my family
3. the house I live in
4. my friends
5. my doggie

Lil' brother (who is in a happy mood because he tattled non-stop on big brother while doing his chores) is NOT grateful for:
1. chores (suggested by big kid)
2. "when brother annoys me!"
3. when dad yells at me
4. going to school
5. doing homework

And that's all, folks!

STUFF(ing)

Silly STUFF(ing) I’m grateful for:

Netflix; MR B’s red plaid robe; my favorite coffee mug; online banking; my denim jacket with my new rhinestone snowflake pin; my IPOD; the apple cinnamon air freshner; bad words; thong sandals; cranberry sauce; pay at the pump; blither blather; country music; girlfriend time; Tivo and Bravo!; sunshine; sandwiches; stacked up books waiting to be read; lip gloss

STUFF(ing) I should be grateful for but usually am not:

My dirty mini-van; well-earned lines around my eyes; the ancient dryer that keeps on working; Swiffer-anything; hand prints on the fridge; cream-of-something-soup

Serious STUFF(ing) I’m grateful for:

The love of a good man whose only mission in life is to make me happy; my silly, sensitive, oblivious, pure-hearted, social, buoyant, pleasing, oldest son; my intense, strong willed, insightful, resolute, big-hearted warrior, youngest son; good friends who get me, get it, and get each other’s backs; brown eyes, toothy grins, busy hands with dirt under the nails; being loved and adored by the best dog ever; having a meaningful job that feeds my soul-inspite of the intensity and stress; a house that feels like home and is my daily refuge

Leave some of your STUFF(ing) in the comments!

Holiday Advice from Justin's Dad

The holidays would probably be a lot more joyful if we all just followed Justin's dad's gift giving advice: (taken from twitter/sh*tmydadsays)

"Everybody's broke, so here's the rule for Christmas this year; if you still shit your pants, you get a present. Otherwise tough shit."

Now how simple yet brilliant is that???

GOYA Tues

OK-so this week has been stressful, what with holiday and work drama and the such-tis the season….for crazy! Which means that I’m guilty of emotional overeating (I won't go into the details because it makes me want to carb-load while chanting "red-rum"). And nothing good comes from that. So I’m gonna have to own the number at the scales this evening for my official weigh in. Which means no whining and no excuses. However, I did have some success with exercising a few times and abstaining from my favorite chocolate chip cookies-in spite of the fact that I made 4 dozen batches for my students. No easy feat!

So my goal for this week is to continue moving, making wiser choices, and enjoying my home and family-and kicking the drama to the curb!

The day after Thanksgiving marks the official start to the Christmas season at our house. We will be putting up 2 trees, garland, wreaths, the village, the nativity, the Santa, nutcracker, and snow globe collections, and hanging the stockings. All to loud Christmas tunes! CAN’T WAIT!!! I'm sure there will be story from all this...

So blessings to you and yours. I hope good food, good times, good friends, and good memories will be a part of your traditions this week. In the meantime...have a great Get Off Your @ss Tues!

Next week: final GOYA Tues report...stay tuned!

THE LIST

Mr B has decided that YES! I am getting a Blackberry for Christmas! But he has demanded that I write a list of 10 Reasons Why I Want A Blackberry because he has decreed that he will not buy me one and listen to me bitch about paying a big phone bill (remember how much I hate AT&T???) every month. He intends to use this list against me if I should happen to act out (which is a very real possibility). So for public record, here is the list:

1. I really want to try sexting. Talkin’ dirty sounds like an awful lot of fun, and I feel really left out of this phenomenon.
2. I want to send everyone I love a picture of my left boob. What could say “I love you” more than inappropriate pics?
3. Texting snarky comments during boring meetings is way more cool than passing notes.
4. Playing on your Blackberry is a socially acceptable way of ignoring weird or annoying people.
5. Knowing that I can reach Mr B anywhere, anytime, anyplace is a powerful and heady feeling. How exciting that all my needs and desires can be made known to him as soon as I realize them myself!
6. Not sharing a phone with a pic of a pancake in the shape of a cross with an 11 year old will be a relief.
7. I will no longer have to listen to “I had a bad day!” as a ring tone.
8. My Blackberry will make people assume that I am a very important person who is in high social demand.
9. I won’t be embarrassed anymore that my sons’ grandmother has a better phone than I do.
10. I will no longer be the only 40 year old on the planet without a phone (think 40 year old virgin).

Gift Ideas

Hey Blither Blather'ers!
Check out the Knaughty Knitter website (see my link list)! Lots of cool, handmade stuff! Proceeds from the auction will support Domestic Violence charities in our community. I just put in a bid on item #23. LOVE the pink, fuzzy scarf!!! This website is a good place to start your holiday shopping while doing a good deed for women and kids in need this season.

Thanks to my blogger pal HH for bringing this to our attention!

Theory-Schmeory

Mr B and I recently had an argument about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. No, this is not our usual kind of conversation. But Mr B is in grad school-hence the highbrow subject matter. Normally our conversations take on a more low-brow flavor with discussions about pee stains around the toilet, picking up dog food from the grocery store, and why the garage is a freakin’ disaster-again. …ANYHOO… In summary: CBT is the belief that if you think/say your intention then your behavior will reflect that thinking. Example: You look in the mirror in the morning, and think/say, “Today sucks!” And indeed it does. Next morning, you look into same mirror and say, “Today can only get better!” And Voila! It does. Mr B practices this method- with excellent results. I (as you might imagine) have a much more cynical view. Just because I wake up in the morning and think/say, “I am hotter than Jaqueline Smith in her Charlie’s Angels’ heyday!” don’t make it so. I call that delusional-not good mental health. My brain is also too smart to fool itself. It would know that I was fakin’ it. And do you know how much effort fakin’ it requires??? I am too freakin’ TIRED to try and fake myself out. Fakin’ it requires focused effort and commitment. And all you fakers out there, KNOW WHAT I MEAN. I myself prefer for positive sh*t to occur first before I even consider having a positive outlook. Why would I waste all that positive thinking/feeling on something that might or might not show up? That would be wasting a perfectly good cynical point of view. And that would be a cryin’ shame.

Who's the Boss?

OK-to be fair, grocery shopping with lil' brother at Wal-Mart has gotten somewhat better. I have been on hiatus from solo shopping with lil' brother since he was on the cusp of three. The psychological scar of being shoved on my @ss by a berserker baby with a riding toy in a Wal-Mart aisle while big kid, my 12 yr old neighbor, and startled strangers (from 3 aisles over) looked down at me with horror as a demented, red-in-the-face toddler stood over with me with a riding toy lifted over his head bellowing, "DISSSS IZZZZ MIIIIIINE!!!" isn't easily gotten over. Nor being kicked in the back of the head by little blue sneakers as I held lil' brother around the waist while the 12 yr old neighbor and big kid desperately ripped the toy from his agonized grip. Lil' brother's howl of agony and pain and betrayal was epic. And that was the moment that I swore to Mr B, "NEVER. AGAIN."

So today when lil brother knocked over 47 cans of cream of chicken soup that rolled in 59 direntions-I didn't sweat it. Everytime I stopped to consider an item and he moved the buggie 5 feet away from me so he could be in charge of the cart and I had to continually drag it back-no biggie. Unraveling 175 plastic bags at the bagging wheel because they wouldn't seperate properly as he loaded our goods-not even worthy of an eye roll. Having a hand shoving competition with him about who gets to push the overloaded buggie into the street while cars are surging for the best parking spaces? Fine-you win! And it was a close one when he pushed the cart (look, ma! no hands!) too hard and then had to run after it while the old lady in the Cadillac obliviously sailed by with inches to spare. What's a few years off a mom's life in the whole scheme of things anyway?

But just to show him who's boss, I made him listen to Mariah Carey-circa 1990's-on the way home because I am the boss-even when it doesn't look like it.

Addendum

BTW-"happy pills" don't even freakin' touch RIGHTEOUS INDIGNATION.

Learned a cool, new word today from dictionary.com so all is not lost:

billingsgate: (noun) coarsely abusive, foul, or profane language

As in: I think I might work on my billingsgate today!

Been There

A friend recently wrote that she had "been in the bowels of hatred and anger..." I've been sitting in this place too this week feelin' like a real hater at my work (non kid related-btw). It's a real b*tch trying to claw your way out of the muck and mire. Throwing your hands up and giving in to fate is not easy. I'm a fighter by nature. So bending over and taking it gracefully with a smile as the lone tear elegantly slides down my cheek (can't stand a martyr!) is NOT my style. Kicking, cussing, spitting, and making it worse in the end-now that feels RIGHT. Even when you know you're going DOWN.

Lil brother's life cycles

Summary report of a typical day in the life of lil' brother:

step 1: mean baby (hey! this is kinda fun!)
step 2: mad baby (oh no, you didn't!)
step 3: crazy-get-you-back-baby (Deliverance style)
step 4: sad/grumpy baby (how could the world be so cold and rejecting???)
step 5: silly baby (being sad is BOR-ing!)
step 6: annoying baby (cool! repetition makes my family go beserk!)
step 7: repeat cycle (doesn't everybody love to ride the merry-go-round???)

Of course, his victims are typically trailing a step or two behind. But hey-all in a day's work for lil' man...

GOYA Tuesday

Only 2 Get Off Your @ss Postings Left!!!

This week I added another weight loss blog to my reading list: Jack Sh*t, Gettin' Fit. Jack has a decidedly unfeminine view of the weight loss journey. His voice is honest, witty, clever, pointed-and honestly, refreshing in his masculine view on a b*tch of a topic. His most recent posting 'Resolutions,' however, touched a nerve. I am a typical In-January-I-Will-Do-It-Dieter. But Jack's point is this: NOW is the time to be resolute. NOW is the time to make those small sacrifices-because resolving to do the impossible in the future-it doesn't work. So I'm not waiting til January-because there's no magic in January. The work is NOW-in this minute, this moment. In Jack's words, "Let's resolve to keep on keeping on." I needed that, Jack. Living in this moment takes courage and commitment. And I'm resolved to imperfectly yet steadfastly holding the line.

I'm excited to show you the pics from my Sunday afternoon walking-journey with Mr B! We stuck closer to home this week, and the pics you see are from my own backyard!!! Theses pics are a good reminder for me that I don't need to look far and wide for beauty and inspiration in my life. Enjoy!

Thanksgiving Feast Countdown

I am fantasizing about the T-giving meal that Mr B and I will be cooking:

Our Favs:
Mr B will make his signature mashed potatoes with a combo of Idaho and Reds (with skin on) with real butter and cream and lots of salt. He is the master of the spud!

I will make the dressing with chicken stock and slow cooked onions-n-celery in butter and add sage sausage (a new recipe!). I will bake it separately from the turkey-no mushy stuffing at our house! And lots of turkey gravy...Lord, have mercy!

And of course the piece de resistance (for me): cranberry jellied sauce straight from the can unceromoniously blopped onto the crystal dish ready to serve (with the can indentions in plain view)!!! ohhhh...can't wait!

Feel free to share your favs!

Old Posting Revisited/Advice Solicited!

I am seriously considering getting a new cell phone...one with some serious bells and whistles. I reflected on this in an earlier Aug 6th posting. Here's my dilemma: HATE to spend more $$$ but really WANT/NEED to be better plugged in to my life. Please read below and advise asap!!! BTW-I rarely ask for advice-feedback, always-advice-notsomuch. Problematic? Probably. But that's another posting for another day. So here's your chance. Don't abuse your privileges.

August 6th, 2009

In order to save some money in the monthly budget, I decided to cancel the service on my ancient cell phone. The amount of money I pay out each month for phone service turns me into a Raging AT&T Anti-Christ! I HATE paying for the right to “talk.” The old adage that talk ain’t cheap is the freakin’ truth! sheesh….
*
So for practicality’s sake, I decided that I would “share” a phone with the 11 yr old. First came the battle over who had more “rights” to the phone. Okay-yes, it was a Christmas present. But I pay for that “Christmas present” every month. So it came down to a card game of UNO. Which he won. So he has 60% ownership-I have 40%. Whatever. The next argument commenced over the pictures that would appear on the screens. He refused to negotiate over the picture of the pancake in the shape of a cross on the front screen. But at least he conceded the wavering flame (which only reminded me of some past bad behaviors that I had no business resurrecting), and I got the floating coral. But the biggest argument of all came over the ring tones. What’s wrong with traditional, classic ringing from the good ol days? BORING-he says. The compromise? Random ring tones. Now when I race to grab the phone it jingles, jangles, blips, beeps, chirps, caws, cha-cha-chas, or techno sings, “cause I had a bad day!” Which totally frazzles my brain. And when I finally and frantically locate the phone-it’s another 11 yr old wanting to talk to the 11 year old.

A 40 yr old sharing a phone with an 11 yr old is a universe out of kilter...so maybe I'll just get a blackberry.

*2012* The End!!!

Had a date with Mr B and 'lil brother last night. We went to see 2012 (on opening night-how cool are we?!?) It was ex-CI-ting! The graphics and dilemmas were thrilling. It was a real arm-clutching-kinda-movie. I just LOVE apocalyptic stories! (Have you read Alas, Babylon??? Well-you should!) I think it's just in our nature to always wonder about the end of time and what that will mean for humankind. I actually feel pretty good about my chances for survival. Because I've got Mr B. And he is a man who MAKES sh*t happen. If we needed to be on a plane to Russia-he could make that happen-not sure how-but he would be on that Blackberry and then-bam!-we'd be in Tibet-with a taxi waiting on the north face of Everest. Not even joking. The end of the world would so get his Fighting-Irish-UP. And of course, I'd be (comfortably) sitting at his right elbow b*tchin' bout how fast he's driving/flying/rushing/hollerin' f-bombs (in front of the kids) waaaaaayyy too much for my taste. "You just cut them off! Will you stop tail-gating! OMG-did you just FLIP them off ?!?" And I will be giving the apology wave to the poor suckers who got in his way. But we're not going DOWN. Mr B says so...

Postscript:
After reading this, Mr B wants the studio audience to know that once he had delivered his family to safety, he would be forced (by me) to apologize-not for running over the poor China man on his donkey-but for telling me to "SHUT THE F- UP!" while dodging the 5 mile volcano blast of red liquid death. ...And he is so right about THAT...

Case of the -itus

Lil' brother just informed me, "Hey, Mom. I've got a case of Wednesday-itus." Ok-It's Friday. But I get it. Cause I've got it too.

Bonus:
triskadekaphobia: fear of the number 13...pretty cool, huh?

Facelift

Like the new backgound??? Hope so!!! I am a big fan of change. I love to reorganize and rearrange (just ask Mr B-he gets really huffy about having to move the piano every few months). This passion for change can be taxing for those who require stability and sameness (and those who want to avoid a trip to the chiropractor...). But I usually get folks to come on over to my way of thinking-just ask Mr B. So my advice is to get that risky, cute haircut (I've grown out several of these) or try that new shade of blue eyeshadow (no such thing as too much blue eyeshadow). Life is just too short to not have a little adventure now and then. And this blogger was due for a change!

So check out shabbyblogs.com (bottom of page or upper left) for lots of fun bells and whistles. And stay tuned for more changes!

Destiny

I think there is a reason that I struggle with weight loss. If I were skinny, I'd be on the pole. And God knows this. So as long as I'm fightin' those odd 30 lbs or so-I'm safe. And He (in his heavenly wisdom) knows this. But I'm warning ya'll now: If I really do get skinny this time-I'm gettin' on the pole. No joke. And everybody is gonna throw all their money at my hott, naked butt.

Scruples (or lack of)

Big kid is the Puritan of our household. If we were to drop him off on the Mayflower-he would do just fine. His middle name should have been Honor & Decency. Mr B and I just look at him and shake our heads sometimes.

My problem is that big kid is supposed to play his trumpet 100 minutes a week…At….My….House. I am a woman on the edge-on a good day-hence the blogging. I cannot handle 100 minutes of tooting, blaring, blapping, bellowing, cawling. So every week when I have to sign off on the log, big kid is vigilant about the proper recording of the minutes. Today I had had it. “I DON”T CARE HOW MUCH YOU PRACTICED YOU WRITE DOWN 100!” And his look of moral censure, shock and horror was priceless. But I ain’t budging. Write 100 minutes-or die. That’s the choice. So to make up for the dishonesty big kid is practicing before school-while his dad is trying to sleep. Whatever… Honor & Decency cannot be defeated.

GOYA Tues

Good news! The scale is still sliding downward-although I was a little concerned when I crashed and burned a couple of days this week (spaghetti is a fatal weakness of mine). I also went hiking on Sunday afternoon with ‘lil brother and Mr. B. And it WAS fun! Who knew??? We picked a trail near our house that was woodsy and scenic and ended at a waterfall-which I knew would be a good destination for lil brother (who did great!). The trees were vivid, the sky clear blue, and the water clear and cold. Hope you enjoy the pics (thanks to Mr B)!

My challenge this week is to walk several times and to take another family hike next Sunday (Since I didn’t whine or complain Mr B has agreed to go again). Also a friend who has access to a stair master and treadmill has invited me to exercise with her, so we’re making plans to meet once a week. I’m sure it won’t even feel like exercising once we start chewing the fat. And I'm also sure we'll have some pretty interesting and evil things to discuss. A buddy makes ALL the difference.

Feel free to share your own GOYA challenges or successes too. Sometimes making a proclamation to the village (and not wanting to look like a loser ) is the best motivation. And the blither blather village has been a god-send in helping me to GET OFF MY ASS!

Have a great GET OFF YOUR ASS Tues!

For the Team

OK-I took one for the team. At the expense of my own dignity. I actually bought and paid for a STAR magazine while standing in line at the grocery store. And everyone noticed: the cashier, the couple in front of me, the man behind me (who seemed waaayyy interested in the cover too), the bagger, the manager, and the twelve people in line behind me. I tried to be subtle. A gentle stretch-as in 'ohhh! my shoulder hurts', then a quick Harry Houdini snatch and grab. Then faster than ol' Saint Nick, I quickly slid the contraband under the whole wheat buns and laid the broccoli over the top-because clearly I am a healthy person who clearly wouldn't read that kind of trash. A natural assumption, right? Buying tabloid fodder is just about as bad as buying beer on a Sunday in the South (Friday night is official beer run night-even Baptists know this). People are gonna talk. So, thank God, I was out of my own zip code when I did the deed. But-ooohhhh!!!!-was it worth it! This is a good one! As a matter of fact I should be done with all the Brad and Angie gore by Wed PM and will be ready to pass it on to some lucky blither blather winner. How do you get your name in the drawing? Why, just leave a comment-and even if I have to pay $10 to mail it to you-I will! All in the name of quality entertainment!

Faux Pas

I have committed a social faux pas. I double booked 2 events for the same evening. Having 2 calendars is working...notsomuch... But because one of the events was a kids' sleepover birthday, I felt it was vital to send big kid-even though it was certainly not first on the calendar. Which meant that I had to call our first commitment (ok, I made Mr B do it...hey-I was teaching! k?) and let them know big kid would not be there at our pre-scheduled potluck-although the rest of us would. Turns out the dinner got cancelled. Because big kid was a no-show. That's how important big kid is. His appearance was critical. Ours? notsomuch. I tell you what-the power of the first born is unbelievable. Entire family units revolve around their life and commitments. The calendar bends to their will. The checkbook opens spontaneously. Our job? We squire him around while tossing money over his head. Boy-sure would be nice, huh???

So Mr B decides to take the rest of us out for a joyride as our social event for the evening (because spending time in a minivan is something we need to do more of). So to make the best of it, I make him drive me past ___________'s house. I've been wanting to see where she lives for awhile. Which justifies my point that she ain't no better than anybody else-another blog for another day. So Mr B turns to 'lil brother and says to him, "Hey, chief! You're cruising at midnight!" And 'lil brother gets really worked up. "Dis is only de third time I've been up to midnight!" And we assure him-the fun's not over yet. He's gonna get 30 more minutes! Big round of high-fives follow that announcement. Folks, it was 7:48. Lil brother was down by 8:30; I was in the bed by 9:30; and Mr B followed by 10.

So today when 'lil brother brags to big kid that he got to stay up til midnight and big kid starts shrieking that he NEVER got to do that when he was that age-I'm gonna sniff-and say, "Yup, that's how we roll when you're away."

What I've learned from the Housewives of OC

My favorite Housewives of Orange County expression(don't be a TV snob, k?):

"Holy Mary of Gynecology!"

Of course they were trashing another housewife for having naked internet pictures while using a vibrator with a chord. "Like who has a vibrator with a chord these days? I thought we all had the rabbit by now!"

Here's what I've learned from watching this show:
Naked on the internet is not so bad. Caught on film with an out-of-date-vibrator? BIG NO-NO. Guess I need to update the equipment in the panty drawer...

6th grade vocabulary

Big Kid: "Hey mom, guess what word I learned today? 'FUCUS'!"
Me: What?!?!
Big Kid: (giggling) "You know-FUCUS-the brown algae that grows on the beach. Isn't it cool what you can learn in a dictionary?"
Me: "Yeah....cool...real cool."

And no, I didn't know that FUCUS was beach algae. And yes, I actually looked it up on dictionary.com just to make sure he wasn't trying to freak me out. And indeed FUCUS is beach algae. What a perfect vocabulary word for the 6th grade crowd. Can't wait til they discover the National Geographic. And so it begins...

Family Reading Night

Positive Feedback

I have recently become a lightning rod for positive feedback at my job. Which only means that the universe is planning on getting me back real soon...but ANYHOO... All three of these positive incidents have (shockingly) come from management (gasp!) and have been quite flattering. Not gonna lie 'bout that. But the incident that has meant the most to me, occured this morning when a struggling new teacher was waiting for me at my classroom door. Without any premable he blurts, "Please let me tell you this story so I can just hear you say, 'F*CK!'" And folks, my heart swelled in that moment. This overwhelmed rookie needed to hear some real words of wisdom-and he knew I could deliver. Who needs useless platitudes when a well intentioned F-bomb can alter the course of someone's day? And I was only too happy to oblige. Free of charge.

Quote from Justin's dad(sh*tmydadsays on twitter):
"Sometimes life leaves a hundred dollar bill on your dresser, and you don't realize until later that it's because it f*cked you."

Irrelevant...but it's my blog

Looking forward to the New Moon movie on Nov 21st (opens the 20th). Let's hope the director has improved the quality of the action sequences. If ever a movie needed some CG bling (and good ol' fashioned acting)... ANYHOO.... My real point is this: What's UP with Kristen Stewart's hair??? (Source: people.com) The pseudo-80's-mullet is just not doing it for me. And I don't think it'g gonna translate so well to the 30-40 sumpin' crowd (and this crowd is desperately following the fads). No indeed... So let's make a pact-here and now. NOBODY gets the mullet, k? If you break ranks-it's all over, sister.

Horror

When big kid could not produce the school paper I was requesting, I insisted that he show me his notebook-in no uncertain terms. I was gonna get to the root of this issue. So when was the last time you looked at a 6th grade boy's school notebook? I wish someone had warned me. Nothing can prepare you for the horror. All I can say is....Oh, my gahhhhhh!!! By the time we had cleaned out and organized the rat's nest of papers...I totally forgot about the paper I had been bitchin' about. Never...again... No paper is worth the shock.

GOYA Tues

My scale is showing downward movement this week! Even though the official weigh in is this evening-I'm feeling confident and energized. This was not a perfect week-what with two social events over the Halloween weekend. But that's life, right? Balance and moderation is what I'm striving for-not radical results. So, yes, I ate that hot dog. With no regrets. But I also said no to Halloween candy and made some deliberate low cal/fat choices at the grocery store. BTW-the double fiber bread has low calories/points (2 slices for 1 pt!!!). So this week I plan to continue tightening the metaphorical belt and trying to eat with deliberation and planning and to avoid exhausted over eating.(That is soooo easy to write- but a b*tch to put in action!)

I have also found two weight loss blogs that are inspiring (check out the list on the right). Christy from Seattle has really piqued my interest, however. She walks all over Seattle and takes pics of different locales-and boy, is Seattle a quirky, diverse city! When I visit her blog, I feel like I've BEEN somewhere! Which made me think about my own city and neighborhood. And the digital camera that Mr B bought for me. So I'm thinking about taking Sunday afternoon walks around the local greenway and each week starting at a different point. And of course snapping pics as I go. Not only do I get the benefit of exercise-but I become more aware and connected to my surroundings. Looking OUTWARD-as opposed to all this inward reflection from the past year-just feels so liberating and invigorating.

So I'm gonna get Mr B on board with my plan. Which means that I will probably have to make a deal to be his s*x slave-but, hey, I guess that burns calories too.

Hope you have a great Get Off Your Ass Tuesday!!!

Interested greenway walkers-email me at blitherblather@rocketmail.com

Trickle Down Theory

Big kid: Hey mom, why is dad making US do laundry, when you told him to do it???

Being at the top of the command chain has its perks, eh?

Unexplained

Something strange is happening. I have nothing to complain about. NOTHING. Nothing is getting on my nerves. No one has frosted my ass. No major problems to solve. No major stressful projects bearing down. Nothing is going on inside of my head. And you know what? It's kinda boring being me right now. So I'm going to watch the Kate interview on TLC tonight so that maybe I can renew my hater status on Jon Gosselin...or not. Hopefully something worth bitchin' bout will happen soon...or this blog is gonna be in serious sh*t.

Confession

I am already thinking about putting up my Christmas tree. Mr B is not gonna like this. Not one...little...bit.

Good Child's Special Day

You think dogs will not be in heaven? I tell you, they will be there long before any of us. ~Robert Louis Stevenson

Today is Good Child's birthday. He's 6!!! And for the record, in absolute seriousness: he is one of my favorite people. Although Santa brought him for the boys-Mr B will tell you otherwise-he's MINE. Even the boys know that Murph always chooses mom. We're a package deal. And there's no better friend or sweeter companion that a girl could ask for.

So to celebrate, Murph will get to ride in the car to DQ today for his b-day treat, get a new tennis ball and bone and can of really smelly, mushy food for his supper, and take a super long walk so he can pee on as many mailboxes as possible to mark the occassion. And of course he will be laying on Mr B's pillow and side of the bed when we retire together to bed tonight. Happy B-day, Murph! You're THE BEST!

The greatest love is a mother's; then a dog's; then a sweetheart's. ~Polish Proverb

Trick-or-Treat

Big Kid: (emptying bag of candy) "Why do some people give out the cheap candy?!?...Oops....sorry, Mom."

for emmy

Please pray for 5 yr old Emmy who has been battling cancer for the past year and for her mother Dare who is struggling as she prepares to again face off with this relentless enemy. With God's grace, may they be victorious so they can be a "normal" family again.

Emmy and Dare are a poignant reminder to me that many of my frustrations are in fact true blessings.

Kisses and hugs to all your lil' goblins.

Historic Event

Hell has frozen over. Or maybe my “happy” pill is working overtime. Nevertheless, an historic event has occured: I am riding a PEP BUS to an away football game this Friday night. I don’t even like football-let alone pretend to understand it. And peppy is a word that has never been used to describe me. Caring about a ball being tossed around a field is just beyond me. But having a winning team for the first time in the 10 year history of our school-is, well……exciting! Even a sports Grinch like me can’t resist the urge to pick up a pair of pom-poms and cheer my team to victory. I hope we kill them!

I just hope it’s not too cold….or raining…or too crowded…or too exhausting. What if the lines to the bathroom and concessions are too long? Or the bus smells bad? Preparing to be peppy is quite stressful for the un-peppy. Please, God, let the face tattoo and the foam finger make it all worthwhile….

Go Blaze!

Committed

As I stepped into the shower this morning, I spontaneously veered to the counter to take my birth control pill, lest I should forget (the cardinal no-no). In my rush to hop back into the shower, I drop it. Dammit! So I drop to all fours and desperately pat down the cold tiles. Eureka! Under the floor mat! And while still kneeling on the floor-butt naked-I pop the dusty, fuzz covered pill into my mouth and swallow-with no water and no reservation about the cleanliness of my bathroom floor (which is dirty-btw).

That's how freakin' serious I am about not inviting Judy TAMPONelli back to my house. Judy...gotta GO.

Southern Vernacular

I wanna bring back a southern term that was popular in the 1970’s and has since disappeared from the popular vernacular. I can clearly recall my mother talking to her best friend Gladys C. for hours on the party line (while drinking tab and listening to Barry Manillo on the radio), and this word punctuated nearly every other sentence.

“Can you believe it? Tacky!”
“Did you see what she wore to church today? Tacky!”
“All that blue eye shadow! Tacky!”
“All those kids actin’ out at the mall? Tacky!”

So today after the potluck when the leftover food was commandeered by a non-participant and doled out to a group of ungrateful kids, all I could think was…..TACKY!!!

When you have a word like “Tacky,” what more can you say? Tacky says it ALL. Some might call this BITCHY-but if you don’t know the difference, then we probably need to break up-right here and now. So this is the clarion call: Bring Back “Tacky!!!” And I’m calling on my southern gal-pals to resurrect this oldie but goodie out of the hope chest. (Southern gals have a patent on this word-so why not enjoy the privileges of ownership?) Next time you witness a questionable action or deed, call it like you see it….TACKY!

I hope this will illicit some TACKY responses from the blither blather readership!