Book Shelf 2010

Since today is the last day of the year, I decided to depart from the usual blither blather drivel and focus on something of worth: books, of course! Who doesn't love to talk about books??? Here are my (current) favs:

I am currently reading David Ebershoff's novel The 19th Wife which focuses on polygamy and the Mormon church. The writer takes three different story lines (1 modern, 2 historical) and intertwines them to give the reader a broad scope to view this archaic practice of plural wives and the ultimate tragedy that ensues when mortal men are given free reign to unleash their lust & greed for power on innocents-all in the name of worshiping God. Of course, I consider this novel research since I am a big fan of HBO's Big Love....gotta be ready for the new season!

My favorite novel series however this year has been George Martin's Game of Thrones , which HBO is making into a series in April 2011. It is a rich, massive epic crammed full of characters, betrayals, and political deceit. This novel is historical fantasy... but don't be put off by dragons and magic. The medieval setting lends credence to these events and in no way comes across as campy or phony. What I most love is that there are 4 books (currently-a fifth has been promised) that are 1,000 pages in length, so you can immerse yourself for a month...or more. Love, love, love this series and am desperate for HBO to give me more.

Mr B and I are currently watching the TV miniseries Pillars of the Earth by Ken Follett. We are loving all 8 hours of this historical drama (thanks, Netflix!). Although this novel is an old read from several years ago, I love it for its attention to historical detail and its realistic view of medieval life as our main characters attempt to build a cathedral amidst the backdrop of political upheaval in England and the corrupt power plays of the Catholic church. Ken Follett is nothing if not detailed and well researched. Although novels are always better than movies, this mini-series will not disappoint the reader or viewer!

Happy reading in 2011!!!

Number System

Lil brother was tap dancing in bladder-busting desperation as the resentful, bored teenagers dully processed our holiday returns. OK-so there were a thousand people in this tiny, dim (how could they even see the barcode, for crying out load?!?), over priced (over-rated, rather) store-but note to staff: eye rolling doesn't make customers go away. Although I felt sorry for lil brother's plight-having to pee is the worst!-there was nothing to be done about it until we got our goods. Finally at fever pitch, lil brother's hopping and clutching reaches the critical point. "MOM! I gotta go NUMBER 3!" ...Huh??? Three???... "Yeah, das pee AND poop. But don't worry. I don't have to do NUMBER 4, dus NUMBER 3!" ...Number 4???... "Yeah, das puke with de pee AND poop." ...Mmmmmmkayyyyy, I nod... Four is NOT a lucky number, people. Now you know...

Packing up the Tacky

Well...it's time to pack up all the holiday crap...every tacky piece of it. But laws! I loved ever' tacky minute of it! So before it gets thrown into a box and jammed into the attic for a year, I wanted to post a few pics for y'all to enjoy. 'Member macrame??? That ancient 70's art of tying ropes together and giving your maw and mee-maw plant hangers and purses??? Macrame artists of the 70's were a diverse group comprised of church ladies, 9 year old girls, and barefoot, pot smoking uncles... Now what other art form can boast that?!? Well, as luck would have it, I inherited my mother's Christmas tree which I proudly hang on my pantry door in the kitchen. Ain't it a hoot?!? Total blast from the past... Makes people pause in wonder when they see it. I guess they're totally perplexed that such a bizarre relic actually made it into the new century instead of being tossed in a burning trash heap. Also I love my tacky blue tree in my dining room...especially those blue lights and tacky, cheap blue ornaments...just makes me want to put on an Elvis record and hear him croon.... "I'll have a-a-a- bluuuuuuu-ueeeee Christmas without yooooooo-ouuuu!"

Never fear y'all...Tacky will be back! It's always just a matter of time...

Antics

Lil brother & Thistle...aren't you glad he's not the boss of you???

Recap

Now that the holidays are over, I want to kick myself for not taking Xmas pics this year. I don't know what got into me... I just didn't think about it... So I've posted the lone shot I took a week before the big day. My only evidence of Xmas 2010. Maybe next year will be the year I digitally chronicle every gory detail...

So to make sure I did at least record a few key events, here is an accounting of the holidays: a trip to see grandaddy in the mountains; Xmas light show at the big speedway; the lighting of the Christmas tree in our town square; TRON movie; holiday kid party at our house; waking up to snow, snow, and more snow (first time in 17 yrs)!!!; Xmas turkey dinner at Aunt B's house; decorating cookies on Christmas eve; allowing mom to read Twas the Night Before Christmas...no matter how old you are; waking up at 4:42 AM Christmas morning and the agony of having to wait til 6 AM to open presents...and let's not forget all those trips to Wal-Mart (we even saw Santa there-no lie!)...the global holiday tradition...argh!!!

Lil brother's fav gift: Nerf shield, sword, and mace (...of course...Santa really knows this dude)
Big Kid's fav gift: XBOX Live with new games
Mr B & Ms Blither Blather's fav gift: another year with the family we created

Today big kid leaves for a week of winter camp (yes, sleeping in a tent in 20 degree snowy weather...and he can't wait!). Mr B and I will work on return shopping & laundry while lil brother plays Lego's and Nerf in his boxers...

Life is Good!!!

Big Spill

Big kid spilled an entire glass of orange juice all over the breakfast area which instantly ignited parental fuses...of course. Quickest way to piss off an adult??? Spill a sticky beverage that requires cleaning on hands and knees multiple times over the course of a month... %$#!. Anyhoo.... Lil brother rushes to the scene of the accident, assures big kid it'll be okay, hustles over with paper towels and windex, and starts a one man clean up operation. And he actually handles it... as big kid kinda mopes around in slow-mo watching the orange stain spread closer and closer to the carpet.... As lil brother makes his last trip to the laundry area, I praise him for his quick thinking and selfless actions, strangely pleased at his display of fraternal loyalty. "Dat oughta get me off the naughty list, huh, mom?" Well...I guess it does. Just in time.

Coupons

I've been threatening lil brother this holiday season with for-going buying him presents and instead giving him coupons in his stocking, all in the name of saving a buck or two and a future pain in the @ss yard sale in which we sell it all for $20 although we spent a $#@! fortune on it... I mean, learning to tighten the belt is an important life skill... Of course this sends lil brother into a tizzy at the thoughts of not ripping into loads of plastic crap on Christmas morning (...sigh). Here are some of my ideas for the lil rascal:

Lil brother coupons:
3 Get out of your room for free even though Dad is mad as a hornet at you Coupons (...buyer beware on this one)
3 I can't find my shoes so you have to do it for me Coupons (...sucker!!!)
3 I don't wanna do my homework so big kid can just do it Coupons (...HA!)
3 Go ahead and inspect my room but no looking in the closet or under the bed Coupons (...I'm actually really considering this one...)
5 Free passes to go into big kid's room and touch any of his stuff that I wanna no matter how loudly he yells Coupons
5 I'm tired of putting away the silverware so it can just sit on the counter for a week Coupons

...and for the grand finale...

10 Free whacks with a plastic sword/gun/toy to anyone who lil brother deems deserving and he still gets to watch tv and play computer (...someone has to dispense justice, right?!?)


Now, who wouldn't want all that for Christmas??? Maybe I need to market this to Fisher Price...

Home for the Holidays

Grandaddy (my father) is a self described "Ol' Bastard!" I cringed when he loudly and PROUDLY proclaimed this. Worried that little pitchers have big ears, I sneak a peak over my shoulder to see lil brother avidly leaned in and listening to every fascinating word that falls out of Grandaddy's mouth. Oh laws...he's filing that one away for future reference... Although Grandaddy is sporting a new set of hi-tech hearing aides which cost $5,000 (he loves to tell everyone), he still insists on shouting his opinions (...diatribes) to the world at large...peppered with salty expletives of course. Although retired, Grandaddy still has a full time job. He is a full time IDIOT DETECTOR. Although unpaid and under-appreciated, he considers it a necessary public service that no IDIOCY go unreported and/or undetected by the ignorant masses. And don't mis-think for a minute now that family gets special privileges....HO! NO-Siree!!! For instance at the holiday gathering, Grandaddy loudly raises his voice over the din to tell Mr B, "...half these women weren't married when they had all these kids!" Mr B stuffs a ham biscuit in his mouth and chews nervously while keeping his eye on the biggest man in the room... "And that one there's (pointing) girlfriend got married last week...to another man! And now he's gotta take a paternity test to get the ankle-biter's name changed!" he snorts in derision. ...And y'all that's all that I can really type here... without fear of (justifiable) murder and mayhem which might alter the destinies of generations to come. It ain't easy standing next to Grandaddy in public. It takes a special kinda fortitude (...idiocy???). And best not waste your breath trying to clean it up or fix it or nice-ify it. Can't be done-he only gets more agitated and irritated and LOUDER that someone might try to misinterpret the OBVIOUS. All you can do is slide on over to the buffet table, stuff a ham biscuit in your face while pocketing the serving fork, keep your back to the wall and eyes on the crowd.

Now THAT'S a holiday gathering, folks.

Walking PR Nightmare

David Arquette: "[Courteney] said she doesn't want to be my mother. I kind of need a mother right now. I need a girl to come bring me some soup and make sure I'm all right. I like that, and I take care of my ladies, too."

Dude! Really?!?

I just LOVE this guy. Not that I would want to be married to him...for the record. But I really appreciate how David Arquette is publically owning his misery in the wake of his doomed marriage to Courtney Cox. I mean this guy is saying ALL the WRONG things (source: People.com). Like how he drinks too much. So much in fact that he becomes a "maniac." He's depressed. His shrink thinks he's having "a nervous breakdown," his family is totally worried, Courtney is pissed as sh*t about what he's saying out loud to the trash-mags, and he even confessed to Howard Stern (who would tell that weirdo anything???) about not having sex with her for four months because she's sooooo O-VER him... OMG...I mean, like, WOW! really??? Celebs really ARE like us. Who knew??? And that's what I love about this guy. His life is a MESS and he's losing the best thing that's ever come his way (typical man for ya). But he AIN'T fakin' it. There's no Hollywood machine at work here, no publicist who has him on a short leash, no family wealth to muzzle his media mistakes. This dude is simply wallowing in his misery and speaking the un-gussied up truth about it...out loud and on the record. And I really admire this kinda courage. Because sometimes life really SUCKS...like BAD. And pretending any different just ain't an option. So CHEERS! to David for keeping it real (although he probably really needs to get off the bottle-and stop talking to Howard Stern about it). Who wouldn't love this guy??? Poor, stupid man...

C'mon Court...!

Keeping it real...

I'm sure you've been wondering how the holidays are shaping up over here at Blither Blather Headquarters. So here's a little peak... Doesn't Mr B look GREAT in a sweater turtleneck as he offers me some Christmas cheer on a platter???

Reality check: Big kid spilled spaghetti-o's on my favorite Christmas table runner and the stain will need to be sand-blasted out, the kitten is eating my dining room table decorations, one of the Christmas trees is perilously listing, and I'm dreading the first Christmas letter of sugary-sweet family bliss that will inevitably arrive in the mailbox informing us how Family X got a raise this year, all the kids made straight A's-again-they're vacationing in Aspen for the holidays, and they finally have their house paid off... Makes you wanna puke or kick Santa in the @#*!......

In spite of all that, I'm in my bathrobe with a cup o' coffee in my hands enjoying a quiet morning of delusional holiday bliss... Merry Merry!!!

Old People Announcement

I recently had a revelation: Mr B & I are entering into the twilight phase of our relationship. When did this hit me??? When he and I were discussing (with mounting exhiliration & glee!) which mini-series we were gonna watch together over the holidays on Netflix. And y'all, we aint been this excited since...well...I'm not sure when...??? Now if that ain't an old people sign, I don't know what is.

Hang Over

Lil brother had to stay home from church today because he was hung over. And Mr B was (suspiciously) thrilled to "nurse" him back to health in spite of having to miss out on the rousing Sunday sermon of "Hope in a Time of Despair." All this thanks to Uncle Joe who came over on Saturday with a 2 liter of grape soda, a bag full of junk food, and three movies: of which consisted an alien, a predator, a buncha crazed zombies, and a sorcerer's apprentice. And let me tell you what-lil brother was not bashful about getting his PARRRRR-TEEEEE ON!

Later-big kid informed me that the zombie movie was not appropriate for lil brother. "Mom, there was a NAKED man in it!" Upon further investigation, Uncle Joe also confessed that he had to "ahem...explain" a few things to lil brother after seeing this movie... Kinda hard to fix this after the fact... Whatcha gonna do? So it's no wonder lil brother had a tummy/headache after all that debauchery and required an Ibuprofen the morning after. Clearly I oughtta have the preacher put Uncle Joe and lil brother on the prayer list.

Man in Red

Lil brother took a trip to the local mall to chat up the man-in-red. And as luck would have it, lil brother got to hang with THE REAL DEAL. Not one of those faker-mall-Santas who just try to trick kids and get their parents to shell out $32 for a fake photo-op. I mean this Santa was REAL-and we have the picture to prove it. Just swing by our house anytime to check out the picture on the mantle. But in classic lil brother style, there was some pre-Santa drama. Lil brother cannot abide getting his hair "done" or wearing a Christmas sweater. But several threats later and a hostile intervention by Mr B pretty much convinced him of the futility of protest. And of course once lil brother is in line to see the man-in-red he gets nauseous and nervous and sweaty. And I don't blame him. I wouldn't want to explain to the big guy some of his tricks either. But I'm glad to report, that lil brother survived the encounter and successfully dodged another holiday bullet-although he got so nervous that he forgot to give him his wish list. So looks like he'll have to write a Santa letter-which will be another holiday-fight-tradition to report on later.

Merry merry!!!

Turkey Virgin

I am happy & thrilled to report that I am no longer a Thanksgiving Turkey Virgin! Mr B & I have DONE IT...cooked a Thanksgiving turkey, that is! Now-we have hosted before and been responsible for quite a few fixins' but we have always chickened out when it came to the turkey and ordered from our local smokin' bbq place. Not this year. We girded our loins, made a trip to the grocery, and Mr B got busy feelin' up breasts in the frozen section....and stood up with a 25 lb'er cradled in his arms with a lustful look of love at first sight written across his face. I however was in wide-eyed, speechless shock. This turkey was SO BIG that it looked like a kindergartner who required adoption papers and an interview with a social worker. I mean, we had NEVER cooked a turkey before, and we were gonna start with a bird that required a new oven be installed in the kitchen?!? Well, never fear: Honey to the Rescue! Mr B's mama has never in her life been afraid of a side of wild-a-beast whether feathered or furred. So we called her up, and she hustled on over with bags of implements & necessities...and Voila! The magic happened and Mr B and I are turkey virgins no longer. Everyone went home happy & stuffed silly. What more could a former turkey virgin ask for?!?

Hope ya'll are having fun getting your HOLIDAY ON!!!

Sassin' your Mama

I caught lil brother mocking me behind my back last week as I was giving him the ol-what-for. "I told you to pick up....and you need to...and why don't you...and you'd better...!" I mean it wasn't personal-I was just communicatin' some rather necessary but unsavory truths that he needed to hear. Well, of course I wanted to bust out laughing when I turned around and he was mocking me as bold as a blue jay, but I had to give him the hairy eyeball just for good measure. I mean no mama worth her salt can let you get away with that-even if she does have a good chuckle 'bout it in the privacy of her own bedroom. And since lil brother is no fool, he slunk off and got out of sight of the hairy eyeball before it could lead to something worse.

As a world renowned eye rolling-sass-mouth myself, I can see the handwriting on the wall. Mocking leads to mumble-bitching which leads to giving your mama the bird finger (behind her back, for sure). It's only a matter of time. And I'm okay with that. The way I figure it is if you ain't never given your mama the bird finger, she must not of been doing her job right anyway.

So, bring it, lil brother! I can flip with the best of 'em!

Discipline

The squirt water bottle that I use to keep the kitten off the counter also works pretty well on lil brother when he's doing irritating things I don't like. I wish I had known about this years ago.

On another note:
Kitty got locked in the bonus rm and took a poop there. So I made big kid clean it up since it was his bright idea to take her up there. You shoulda heard the whining, gagging, begging, and deal making about picking up some cat poop with toilet paper. It was a PRODUCTION. I coulda had it done in 47 seconds-carpet spray and all. But ask a kid to pick up poop-and 37 minutes later it's still a work in prorgress.

Daylight Saving Time

DST is cutting into my morning quiet time since lil brother's internal clock hasn't quite shifted. He comes stumbling down the stairs in his boxers and rooster hair, bright eyed and bushy tailed, ready to do his usual tricks and calling the shots...at 5:11 AM. And of course I'm moping round the kitchen in my bathrobe trying to make coffee-minding my own bleary eyed business-as usual. "Are we STILL saving de daylight time???" he enthusiastically asks me EVERY morning. Cause Lord knows that me and lil brother sure do need an extra hour together EVERY morning... As much as I love that baby, I'd love him just a hair more if he were in his bed til 6 AM.

Preacher's Wife

Oh LAWS, ya'll!!! The preacher's wife called me this morning. She'd heard I was having a hard time lately (???) Not sure what this means since I am ALWAYS in the thick of it-one way or another... This lil tidbit made me nervous (since clearly a lil bit of my personal crazy had leaked out unbeknowst to me...) so I stumbled and stuttered 'bout, "Yes, well, I had surgery recently..." Wonder what she woulda said if I told her how lately I've been all pissy and daydreamin' about kicking some gossiping church ladies' asses under the pulpit while dunking their heads in the holy grape juice for talking trash bout teachers in public (buncha b*tches!!!)??? Those church ladies have put my panties in a wad this week... All joking aside-I'm kinda particular about my gossiping. I share my speculations with a tight knit group of gal pals.... or put it on the Internet... so we can all have fun with it.

I figure God's had about enough of my bad-mouthing His helpers so He sicked that sweet preacher's wife on me. But laws, ya'll...if I hear another word from those gossiping 'ol biddies...it's gonna get UGLY. Maybe I do need someone with clout praying for me...

Yeah....I said it...

The annual canned food drive at my place of work has kicked off... And for the record: I hate canned food drives. With a bloody passion. All that competitive-cut-throat-what's-in-it-for-me-buy-me-off-you're-going-down-SUCKERS! crap is just exhausting and irritating. Either donate an f'in can-or not. But just leave me out of it, okay? And did I mention that I was chosen as a team captain this year? Wt...??? I'd rather be on my period for an entire month... !@#%

Mistake

Ummmm.... I mispoke... Lil brother DID NOT get a kitten for his birthday. Rather a flying squirrel that just looks like a kitten....as it sails over your head...

Nifghe

Nifghe: This is how lil brother spelled "knife" on his spelling test last week.................wt????.......Do you know how long it took me to figure this out???................. I mean.........like?........how do I fix that???................and yes.........I am a school teacher............... but I give up..................screw spelling........... It's sooooo overrated.

Real Mad-Women

Joan from Madmen is one of my all time favorite TV characters. I love her smart, savvy, sexy demeanor in the office. She's a red headed vixen whose nobody's doll baby. In spite of her intuitive and often thoughtful observations about office politics and the general bad behavior of the men in the company-I actually most adore her for her luscious, curvy, full hipped, high breasted confidence as she saunters down the hallway pushing the mail cart between offices. How refreshing to be reminded of how real women in the late 1960's used to really look. Joan reminds me of my aunts, ladies in the church choir, my school teachers, my best pal's mama, bank tellers, and office secretaries across town. These women were soft when you touched them and smelled of baby powder & Windsong cologne... These women who walked with heads held high, chin up, hips swiveling, and brows arched. The same women who wore coordinated polyester suits, stacked heels, filmy scarves, and panty hose (for God's sake!) while swinging and striding and sauntering about their business with absolutely no shame about their size 12,14, or 16 wide hips... How refreshing it would be if fashion could resurrect the curvy likes of Marilyn-wide hips and child bearing bellies and big boobs to boot. Instead we have the modern age where pencil thin and third world impoverished is the new look. We can thank actresses such as Jen Anniston, Courtney Cox, Megan Fox, and Angelina Jolie for making rangy, stringy, hard angles all the defeating rage...

So here's a salute to Joanie! And to all those other "real" women from the past who embraced their bodies AS IS in all their soft and perfectly curvy imperfection.

First Down

Lil brother's football schedule is gonna be the death of me... When will it ever end?!? UNCLE! I can't take it anymore. Keeping the jersey washed... loosing not one but TWO mouth guards... fighting the WAL-MART crowds to buy a third one...forgetting it was my turn for snacks and going back to WAL MART... practices in the dark that never seem to end... showing up to the game WITHOUT the damn flag...ARGH!!! Ya'll shoulda seen me at the last game-from-hell-day. I'm sure it looked like I was having an apoplectic fit with all those f-bombs exploding in my head. I barely managed to keep them behind my gnashing teeth... Please God, let it end... AND SOON. Or I'm gonna need an exorcism.

Not Right...

OK-I confess. I shouldn't be having these thoughts. But I am already thinking about my Christmas Crap! I LOVE the Christmas Crap-every cheap, tacky, spray painted, raggedy, over the North Pole piece of it... Oh!!! At a yard sale this summer I actually bought a gold reindeer with a broken antler, an old black Santa who been drug through the 1970's, and a roly poly plastic Santa from the 1960's (lead paint an all...). Ain't that EXCITING ya'll?!?! I've got ornaments stuffed in hidey-holes in my kitchen too... Ya'll I'm READY to get my Holiday ON!!! Mr B is not gonna like this line of thinking... So I'm gonna hold the holiday line (and keep the fantasizing just between us) and try to at least get to Thanksgiving before cracking the holiday decorating whip...

But I ain't making ya'll no promises...

Neighborhood Scoop:
There's a n'borhood near mine, and as I drove through I noticed that an acquaintance ALREADY had her Santa Christmas lights up on the lawn. Ya'll it ain't even HALLOWEEN yet! When I saw this I came home and called 5 people. Now I know I'm TACKY when it comes to the Christmas Crap...but at least I ain't THAT TACKY.

New Release!!! Run to the stores...

I know ya'll have been waiting with baited breath for The Autobiography of Mark Twain to come out. And it finally has...100 years after his death. Twain-a fan of telling it like it is-wanted to write a no bars hold tell-all. But he needed for all his friends and enemies to die first to avoid all the teeth gnashing and counter suing he was likely to endure. So as a brilliant marketing ploy-he made us all wait 100 years to hear how he really felt about his contemporaries. He does postulate in his memoir that there are plenty of selfish and shameful acts that he committed in his lifetime... though none have yet to make it to paper at the time of his writing (...imagine!) So although he might not reveal his own shortcomings-he leaves no contemporary out. A true gentleman, huh? I hear he's absolutely brutal to Theodore Roosevelt and down right mean spirited towards his Italian housewife neighbor and heaven help the poor US congress who gets an absolute vitriolic tongue lashing-Twain style. I can't wait to get the juicy details...in three rambling, meandering volumes. So I hope you're as excited as I am to read America's favorite humorist in his own sprawling, prosaic words. I'm a major fan of an old school smart ass-even if he's been dead for 100 years.

In his own words:
Let us swear while we may, for in Heaven it will not be allowed.
- Notebook, 1898

...heaven for climate, and hell for society.
- Mark Twain's Speechs

Fleas can be taught nearly anything that a Congressman can.
- What Is Man?

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
- Mark Twain, a Biography

Let Sleeping Dogs Lie

Big kid couldn't believe it as we joined forces to muck out lil brother's room (while he blithely played in the back yard as we threw away his "treasures"): I didn't even holler or yell or shriek or cuss-NOT ONCE. "Mom, I can't believe you're not saying anything about all this mess! I mean aren't you gonna lecture him or fuss at him-not even a lil bit???" And I can see him getting all worked up over the injustice of lil brother missing out on an epic tongue lashing. But all I can do is nonchalantly shrug in response. And big kid, who is holding a giant black garbage bag that is already filled to the top (we filled 3 bags for give-away & trash, btw), is looking at me in open mouthed disbelief... Yes, I have lost my mind. I can no longer even rouse the energy to get mad that lil brother can stuff 2/3 of the contents of his closet and drawers under his bed. Really....it's kinda impressive the stuff that can be found there (almost makes me believe in the boogie man under the bed)... I just don't have it in me anymore. I'm just not willing to sweat profusely as I grind and gnash my teeth and shriek like a banshee (i.e. crazy @ss b*tch) going to war. Cause this I know: give it a couple of months-and we'll be right back at it again... hauling out 3 more bags of #$@! from under the bed... It will NEVER end.

So my advice to big kid is this: let sleeping dogs lie...and leave worn out mamas alone. Lord, have mercy, ya'll...

Thistle Bell

"After dark all cats are leopards." - Native American Proverb

I had forgotten how entertaining and charming it is to have a house cat in the family. Although I have previously owned and loved two cats in my adult life who have long since passed, I never expected to be a cat owner again after all those years of cleaning out the cat box. And besides I have the perfect best friend: Murphy, the Good Child. Perfection cannot be topped. However, with the arrival of lil brother's b-day kitten, I was frankly quite worried about living with another feline. I mean, we're all familiar with the aloof, disdainful, condescending, and punitive house cat. When a cat decides he will no longer abide you-not even Jesus himself could change a cat's mind. But with much relief I am happy to report that we have a loving, spunky, yet mostly docile rag-doll of a cat who loves to be carried, petted to death, baby-talked to, and generally adored by the masses. And we are all infatuated with Sister LuLu (her bad girl name after dark). This adorable scrap of calico fur may as well be The Queen of Persia over here at Blither Blather headquarters. She can do no wrong. Even when she's ripping around the furniture, hanging upside down from curtains, eating our dinner from the stove, drinking my morning cup of coffee, or making the dog move outta of his favorite napping spot and commandeering it for herself... her badness is just so darn cute. There's a new boss-lady in town...and it ain't me!

The dog may be wonderful prose, but only the cat is poetry.
- French Proverb

Southern Living

I recently had surgery. But I'm gonna spare ya'll the gory details-cause it's just bad manners to talk about innerds and guts. And really I'm trying to suppress the horror of it all. In classic style-I was the ultimate titty baby 'bout the whole thing. I even made the nursing staff nervous which earned me an extra Valium due to my theatrics... But really that's not my point here-enough with the random meandering...

As I have spent the week recovering, I have had the time to reflect on Southern graciousness-of which I have been the lucky recipient. I actually received homemade get-well cards with hand written messages in the real mail this week; I had a gaggle of friends who called me on my home phone to check up on me; Another friend went to the grocery and bought me a stack of the most embarrassing (and juicy!) celebrity trash mags that no one in her right mind would be caught in her own zip code buying; Another gal-pal made me a CD of her favorite songs-and now I can't stop listening to Janice Joplin sing about Bobby McGee; I had other friends who actually did some ol' fashioned visiting and sat in my living room to take my mind off my pitiful innerds and were avid listeners as I re-lived every gory detail; I even made it onto the EPISCOPAL prayer list this week (they're a picky bunch!); Another sweet friend delivered WARM pumpkin spice cookies to my front door... and the list goes on, ya'll...

You would think that in the age of texting and IM'ing and FB'ing that the ol' fashioned arts of Southern graciousness would have suffered a serious blow. Not so. These women offered up their most precious commodity for an ailing friend-their TIME. And they did it with style and patience and attention to detail. Ya'll-the modern Southern Belle LIVES! And she's still baking, visiting, calling, and writing her own messages in her own hand writing while whipping the kids across town and keeping up with her 1,000 daily commitments. And I am humbled by it. May we all aspire to give away our time and talents to those who may need it in the future.

Blessings to you ALL!!!

TMI

Overheard big kid while in the bathroom:

"YESSSS!!!! I FINALLY have an armpit hair!"

He's been waiting on armpit hair since 2nd grade. We might have to have a special dinner since one finally arrived. Not sure I'm as exctied as he is 'bout all this 7th grade growing up he's doing... Seventh graders are pretty stinky & gross on the whole... but mama's still find a way to love 'em-armpit hair an' all. Go figure...

Direct Order!

This is a MUST READ BOOK! So put down the laundry, leave the casserole in the oven and the kids in the yard, and go buy it NOW. This book is sweeter than molasses and refreshing as mint iced tea and as satisfying as southern fried comfort food. This book is a beautiful look at what love and tolerance is really all about. Set in Mississippi during the 1960's and told by the warm, rich voices of three authentic women...trust me: you won't regret it...

Career Advice

Lil brother's advice to big kid over dinner:

LB: You don't need to be one of those peoples who listens to other people's problems... (look of confusion) Was dat called again?

Family (in unison): Therapists???

LB: Yeah, das it. (directed to big kid) You're not very good at it.

And big kid was completely insulted...even though he thinks lil brother's "problems" are annoyng and stupid. Some of us just aren't meant for the feel-good professions...

Fall

Fall is my favorite season of all...warm colors, blue skies, nippy weather, layers, chili, fires, mums & pumpkins, spiced coffee, rides in the country... A time for settling down and preparing for hibernation...

Hope your fall is GLORIOUS!

House Cleaning Day

Mr B whipped the troops into action today and was in full-tilt Drill Sgt mode as he assigned various chores to the conscripted when lil brother piped up (voice filled with shock and horror), "But we did that last month!"

Clearly-we probably ought to step up our efforts over here at Blither Blather headquarters...

<%$#!>

IF PEOPLE IN THIS <%$#!> HOUSE DON'T START <%$#!> PICKING UP THEIR <%$#!> THEN I'M GONNA <%$#!> GO <%$#!> CRAZY ON THEIR <%$#!> AND NOT EVEN <%$#!> CHUCK NORRIS WANTS A PIECE OF THIS <%$#!>. AND I'M NOT <%$#!> KIDDING... JUST <%$#!> TRY ME... <%$#!>

A Little Piece of Heaven

God's been on my mind lately... and this is what my little piece of heaven looks like:

When I show up God is wearing his flip flops, sitting in a rickety ol' lawn chair listening to Lynyrd Skynyrd and smoking a fattie that he rolled himself reflecting on the simple pleasures of his great creation. And he says to me, "Welcome Sister! Take a load off cuz I know you're plum wore out. Thought you might need to rest a spell after all that ass-kickin' you've been doing. I think you're gonna like how boring it gets around here." And we sit in silence tapping our toes, nodding our heads, humming "Sweet Home Alabama" under our breaths as we gaze into that peaceful wide wonder called eternity...

Please let the Big Guy have a sense of humor...

Introducing: Thistle Bell!!!

Isn't she a cute lil scrap of fur??? Lil brother adores her! And let me tell you what: sister lulu is a good match for him. Both of them can think up some schemes that no one else in his right mind woulda thought of in a million years...curtain climbin' and all... gotta love even God's bad creatures...

BTW-naming a cat is serious business (as T.S. Elliott can attest to!), so I encouraged lil brother to name his kitten from his favorite monster book MIDNIGHT SNACK. Looks like she'll live up to her name.

Oh, and as you might imagine, the Good Child (Sweet Murph-best dog ever) thinks that we have made a serious error in judgement and doesn't think any of her antics are cute...or appropriate.

Once in a Lifetime!

Lil brother and his pal Millie Pebbles had a BIG weekend! They were chosen as junior Homecoming escorts for our local high school. Which meant they got to ride in the convertible and throw candy in the school parade, dress up in fancy clothes, and walk onto the field with a REAL queen! Lil brother had the important job of carrying the crown-and he assured me-it had REAL diamonds!

Both of them agreed that the parade was the best though. Maybe it was because 900 elementary kids were screaming their names while Mr B blared the lastest Justin Beiber song. Of course seeing their teacher & classmates-while they got to skip school-was pretty awesome too.

The only tricky part of the ordeal was keeping lil brother and Millie Pebbles clean between formal pictures and the Homecoming presentation. Ya'll know how s'riously lil brother takes his 1$ trip to the football "confession" stand to get his sugar coated worms (best part of the entire game for lil brother). We also had to keep them outta the cupcakes. And that took a whole lotta 'splaining... and bribes for afterwards.

I hope you enjoyed the pics above of these two friends-who both informed me they HATE to have their pics taken-this said as Millie Pebbles was digging her panties from her butt and lil brother was pulling on his collar complaining about how tight his neck was feeling as his eyes rolled back in his head. But they sucked it up and survived. And Millie Pebbles's mom & I agreed (as we mopped our sweaty faces)-this is a once in a lifetime kinda moment!

Project Manager

OK-I confess. I procrastinated on lil brother's 3rd grade zoology project. Little did I know that I would have an appointment on the eve prior to our deadline (one worse than being project manager, actually). So knowing that Mr B would have to take over this honored position, I began nagging and threatening 24 hours prior to deadline in hopes that this project would be done before I got home from my dreaded appointment. No dice. They hadn't even started. And all (un)involved parties seemed to have this deadpan, quizzical look (who me? project? what project?) as I began barking orders. As I left them to their business, I overheard Mr B say to lil brother, "Here read this 10 page report on pandas. It'll tell you everything you need to know."

So I'm trying to relax-but all I can think about is the panda project-and lil brother trying to decipher that 10 page report from the Internet. So I drag myself outta bed and go dig out color paper, glue, markers, and a glossy picture of a panda eating bamboo from the art cart. And when I hand over these supplies (with a few well intentioned suggestions for improvement), I notice that the only supply lil brother and Mr B are using....is the good ol' pencil. And Mr B does not look happy AT ALL about the art supplies I provide and seems to get irritated when I remind them that the poster actually needs to look good as well as be informative.

Here's what so shocking about the dad-project-manager: they actually let the kid do (or not) the work himself (messy handwriting and all), and they don't even care what it looks like-or that there will be stiff competition for "best poster"-a coveted award in mom circles. Take little Suzie's mother, for example. She's a professional scrapbooker who has won global awards in the third grade category, spent $132.59 on the project, took it to Kinkos for laminating, interviewed scientists from the local zoo, made cupcakes in the shape of her animal for the entire class, and has been perfecting Suzie's delivery for two weeks. Getting it done is the man-mission objective. Screw the art supplies. And lil Suzie's scrapbooking mama.

I might just email Ms N and tell her I was out of the country for this project. Maybe that'll earn us a few sympathy points...we are sooooooo screwed.

Cub Scout Camping

NEVER. AGAIN.

This mantra kept running through my brain like fire ants on crack the entire hellish 16 hours. I guess it didn't help that as soon as we unloaded all our camping gear, the torrential rains came down and sleeping bags, pillows, tents, mattresses, etc., were soaking wet in under 10 seconds. All I wanted to do was throw every soggy piece of it down the f'in mountain and get my inside-girl-butt outta there. Have ya'll ever slept in a tent where droplets of water pinged! on your forehead intermittently??? Well, let's just say, the Chinese are certainly on to something there... I basically wore a wet bra and panties the entire time I was there. At one point during the soggy set up, Mr B comes to check on me and he finds me lying on my wet mattress spread eagle with my arm flung over over my head, "What are you doing?" he asks. My mumbled reply," Pretending this is happening to someone else." Eventually a damp, smoky campfire is lit, and I made sure that I sat in the path of the heaviest smoke. And yes, I inhaled. Anything to numb the reality, folks. Don't judge a desperate woman, k?

Ya'll, Mr B is a true stoic. He never uttered a single negative word or grunt the entire time we suffered. He carried on. However, once we were in those canoes heading down the river, he paddled like a man determined to get the hell outta Dodge. At one point, he outpaced the leader of the canoe pack by an entire river bend. When I questioned him about this, he tersely responded, "It's not my job to be behind the leader. It's his job to be in front of me...either lead, follow, or get out of my way!" Well-OK then. BTW-we were the first to dock and make it back to camp. Mr B wasn't playin, ya'll. And we stayed outta his way while he loaded up all our wet crap into the mini van.

Well...the rain did eventually quit and as you might imagine, it certainly didn't wet the eight-year-old crowd's enthusiasm for the wild outdoors. We even had sunny skies for Saturday canoeing. And all those boys ran and played and swam and fished the entire time. And most importantly lil brother said it was "de best birthday ever!" What more can you ask for???

Stay tuned!!! Pics of our new family member will be posted soon!!!

Labor Free Monday-yeah, right...

Dammit! Now why didn't I think of this?!? This is exactly the kinda book I shoulda wrote... Half-assin' motherhood and getting by with it is an art form especially when you're running ragged 9 days out of the week. But enough bellachin'... It's Labor Day!!! Mr B and the boys don't know it yet, but we're gonna be putting some Labor back in Labor Day. Laundry, dishes, trash, beds, dust, dirty floors....There is no rest for the weary.

However, at this moment I am still in my infamous bathrobe (that all the neighbors and more strangers than I care to admit have seen me in), big kid is playing video games, and lil brother is running around in his boxers bothering the dog while Mr B is getting his last few minutes of undisturbed sleep before Labor Day begins.

Gotta crack that whip. Hope ya'll have a good one!

ALERT: Ya'll don't forget now that those Jesey housewives are gonna be cat fightin' tonight on BRAVO!!! It's like watchin' your neighbor's house burn down. You gotta watch!

Fantasy Camping-the best kind...

Mr B and I are having quite a few camping conversations lately. With lil brother's camping & caneoing cub scout b-day weekend fast approaching, Mr B has been ransacking the garage to get out all his gear. There's also been some rumblings about buying a pop-up camper for our next vacay... Not sure what Mr B is visualizing as we have these camping convos (as I comfortably lounge in my air conditioned digs-sans poison ivy & bugs), but my camping fantasy looks a lot like this-just add two frosty drinks with umbrellas. Don't ya'll just love all that coordinated matchey-matchey?!?

I'm afraid camping reality is gonna be a slap in the face...

Bring it, B*tch!

Real Housewives of New Jersey Reunion Show, Bravo TV

How awesome was that reunion episode?!? I mean within the first 3 minutes Teresa had already called Danielle a coke-whore-prostitute-b*tch while standing over her and screaming like a crazy Jersey housewife. And then shoving Andy into his seat for getting in her way?!? Love, love, loved every minute of it!!! I can really respect a girl who comes out with guns blazin'. Apparently, Teresa had had enough. So yes, maybe she was a little off her rocker to go all Jersey-nuts, but honestly, I really appreciate her over the top responses. What would you expect from all that big hair & make-up & high heels anyway? And Danielle was such a creepy lil whiner. She likes to talk trash & stir it up and then cower and play the victim. I want to beat her up too. Or at least yank her hair extensions. So bring it, Jersey...!!!

Can't wait for next week!

On my Nightstand

Here's what's currently at the top of my stacked up reading list on my nightstand:

Motherhood...the Second Oldest Profession, by Erma Bombeck. I got this at the yard sale for a quarter. You'd think mother wisdom would be priceless, huh??? As ya'll know, I'm a huge fan of Erma. So here's an excerpt for your reading pleasure:

"....a new mother-to-be gasped, 'Did you see the story in the paper about the mother who left one of her children in the laundromat restroom? And she dares call herself a mother! How disgusting!...'
*
(Erma) Now I personally knew seven mothers who had tried the same thing."

Can I get an AMEN?!?

Erma Quote of the Day: "If I raised my hand to wipe the hair out of my children's eyes, they'd flinch and call their attorneys."

Wrong Number

My friend B reported that she got a phone call at 10:36 PM….ON A SCHOOL NIGHT. With sweaty palms and pounding heart, she answers the phone, expecting bad news. Because we all know that NO ONE calls the house phone after the kids are in bed on a school night. And from the other end of the line, a masculine voice asks, “So what are you wearing?” And to her immense relief she belly laughs hysterically in his ear while he sheepishly listens to her cackling. At his expense. My friend B is just so glad to be talking to a pervert instead of listening to her mother report another unfolding family drama that she stifles her giggles and plays along in her best Lauren Becall voice, “So what are YOU wearing?” At this point, mystery man realizes that he’s got the wrong number. So he profusely apologizes (as any decent man who'd called to talk dirty might), introduces himself as Dave from California, and assures her that he’s a single man who met someone on a business trip and he’s really not a weirdo… or a drunk…but really…would she please be willing to tell him at least what state she’s in so he can figure out what has gone so terribly awry with the numbers he’s been calling? And when she states her general whereabouts, he lets out a frantic, appalled expletive, “Holy sh*t!!! I’ve been sex calling… MY SISTER!!!! Turns out his sister has a very similar number to my friend B. Figure the odds on that?!? Now they are both hysterically laughing & crying. Once they calm down and can breathe again, my friend B asks him about his sister-who lives in her neck of the wood-takes down her number and promises Dave from California that she’ll give her a call and explain the whole rigmarole to her. About this time, my friend B’s husband walks in…as she is telling Dave from California, “Yes, I’m married and have two children…” And you can imagine the puzzled look B’s hubby-gives his wife who is talking to a stranger at 10:49 PM…on a school night… as if she’s known him all her life. My friend B- reports that she had a lovely chat with Dave from California-who really is a gentleman-even though he pretty much sucks at sexy phone calling.

So looks like Dave from California may have lost his chance with Lady Love. But at least he’s a got a new pal….who wears mama-jamas to bed… on a school night!

Monday

If you can't beat 'em....join 'em! Saddle up...!!!

Breaking News

Angelina (Jolie) Makes Lunch for Her Kids
Bi-line from PEOPLE Magazine

S'riously?!? Are you f'in kidding me?!? And this constitutes as entertainment news?!? Give us an f'in break, PEOPLE Magazine. Here's some news for ya': about 10 ga-billion moms across the planet do this day after f'in day with no fanfare or fireworks or praise from the masses. And get this: these moms also had to clean it up. And shop for it. And go to a pain-in-the-ass job to earn the money to buy it...with no hired help or nannies or housekeeper or idle Brad Pitt sex-toy on stand-by. SHOCKER!!!

You could say that I'm a lil over Angelina Jolie and her uber-faux-earth-mother facade. Cause any mom worth her salt knows she ain't the real deal. Here's when I'll be impressed: when Angie loads the 6 kids in the van, takes them to WAl-MART, shops for 2 weeks worth of groceries (with coupons), makes it through the check out line gauntlet with 3 of the 6 melting down, has to push the cart through the parking lot battlefield (and everyone barely makes it alive), loads the groceries herself while kids are whining and fighting, hauls it in the house and stuffs it in the pantry and then notices that all helpers have vanished, prepares a meal that takes 106 minutes to create and 6 minutes to devour, cleans up the wreckage that requires another hour & a half on your feet, and then loads & re-loads & empties the dishwasher before going to bed. Print THAT, PEOPLE Magazine, with a shot or two of her all sweaty and frazzled while snarling and whipping lil asses through the Wal-Mart check out line & parking lot. And moms of America will flock to the news stand and pay good money to see some freakin' real life happening to the Rich & Famous.

BTW Angie-if you're reading this: 10 cans of Spaghetti O's for $10 on sale this week. Super, easy kid lunches made affordable and even appeals to the picky eaters in the bunch.

Just trying to help a sister out...

"Meth" Head

I've been sick with allergies this week, and I feel like I've been kicked in the head by an ornery mule. I felt so bad that I actually made Mr B go beg the pharmacist for some of that "meth" medicine they keep behind the counter. After being photographed, fingerprinted, ID'ed, photocopied, and given the once over-he came home with 5 pills. I guess it's hard to cook up much dope on 5 pills....??? I half-way expected him to hand me a spoon and a lighter to "cook" it up. I've never felt so subversive in all my life while swallowing a lil ol sudafed decongestant....sheesh.

Well that "meth" medicine knocked me on my butt and I've been sleeping like the dead during daylight hours. So now my whole sleep schedule is whackadoodle and I've been up since 3:18 AM. Which got me thinking about our hellish family schedule:

Sunday: church & youth group
Monday: cub & boy scouts
Tuesday: football practice
Wednesday: adult bible study group
Thursday: grad class
Friday: football games
Saturday: travel to cross country event
And start all over again...!!!

Ridiculous, I tell you. And I haven't even factored in homework, laundry, and supper yet... Just looking at all those commitments makes me want to take meth ...on purpose!

Progress Report

Ok-so the first week of school wasn't too bad... in spite of the fact that ya'll know I like to bitch first and backtrack later. So like it or not, I'm working for a livin' for another year-that is until Mr B wins the lottery-which he is always planning on. But really-there's nuthin' to complain about when you pretty much get left alone to do your thang and have great kids to work with. I am however teaching a lot of staff kids this year, so I have asked my friend G to be my crazy-spotter and help keep me PG-13, which can be a challenge when f-bombs are blowing up inside my head at any given moment and I'm busy crackin' the whip... So hopefully I won't piss off too many overachiever parents. Trust me: you don't want this group crawlin' up your backside. But it's inevitable. Pissing someone off is just part of the job description.

Oh, and to give you something to look forward to, I am going camping and canoeing with lil brother and his cub scout pals in September. Remember the cave trip last year with seven yr olds??? It was BRUTAL!!! I was a HOT MESS covered in mud and bat poo and sweat. As bad as it was, I am proud to say that I only yelled "SHI*T! SH!T! SH*T!" once, and those lil cubbies didn't even bat an eye. Of course, the whole trip was done with my lipgloss tube in my front pocket too. So as you can guess, this upcoming trip is likely gonna be another ride at the goat rodeo.

Hope ya'll are surviving this heat. It's hotter than the hinges of hell in my neck of the woods. Ugh!!!

Dream Spoiler

As told to me by one of my students:

"Hey Mrs B-! You wanna hear about my dream last night?!? They(?) were giving out super powers and I was so stoked!!! But when I told my mom about it, she wouldn't let me get one. And when she finally decided to let me have one, all the good ones were already taken. So all I had to choose from were the crappy ones. Man...that really sucked."

How funny is that?!? I guess we moms have the market cornered on being regular buzz-kills, don't we??? It just takes a while for mom-brains to figure stuff out. Super powers are serious business. I mean, you don't wanna give your kid a super power complex he might later regret, right??? Like who has time for kid super hero therapy sessions when you're already running them to scouts, church, sports, band, and b-day parties??? Now-if they had a super power that made kids pick crap off the floor... or scrub the bathroom pristine... or cook meals while scrubbing the pots and pans...

BTW-I am calling a Back-To-School-Pick-Your-Own-Crap-Up-Off-The-Floor-OR-DIE!-Meeting in the very near future over here at blither blather headquarters.

Hope ya'll are surviving the start of school. I want to butcher my alarm clock...

BYOC

It's back to school time for me which is a crazy-stressful-exhausting-hectic business. But believe it or not-i actually eat better when school is in session as opposed to full-out-no-rules summer. So I am actually looking forward to naturally being able to draw some boundaries.



Also, I have had my 5th appt with my MD and only one more to go. My psych-eval is scheduled for 2 wks...and then it's off to see the surgeon!!! When I first started this journey, I was so BUMMED that I had to wait 6 months...but the time has flown! And I'm glad. This is a big commitment, and I'm glad I've been given some time to "live with" this decision and let it simmer and percolate. So I am hopeful that I will soon be posting a surgery date. Maybe....just maybe...this is gonna happen!

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Now for some fun: BYCO!!!



1. “Which one would you rather?”…



Tom Cruise or

Tom Brady?

Duh?!? Tom Cruise, of course. Would love to know if he can live up to the hype. And you know that whole "Risky Business" was kinda hotttt.....



Mr. Big (Sex and the City) or

Tony Little (exercise nut)?

I guess I'm gonna have to go with Mr Big...because I'm not sure who Tony Little is...does this make me a nerd??? Not sure...



Whoopi Goldberg or

Making whoopi?

Making whoopi, definitely. It's fun-when done right-and it's a calorie burn too.



2. How do you feel about plastic surgery?

I'm all for it-but it scares the sh*t outta me. Especially boob reductions....ugh. My hubby has been prepping me for this reality.... but I am hoping that I won't need it.





3. What’s your favorite website?



Any trashy celebrity website will do...People.com...TMZ... you name it. I'm a sucker. Plus I am Real Housewives fan...so Bravo.com definitely makes the list.



4. What’s your best tip for having a great vacation?

Not sure yet. Since we have kids and are always on a budget. Being together as a family is what's important... and creating those memories. Even if the vacation sucks-there's still something to laugh about.



5. Repeat question….which blog or comment stuck with you the most this week and why?

Judi trying to plan her party and get 115 followers (she's lost 115 lbs!) with her hard-core planner. I hope she makes it!!!

New Title

Today during a faculty mtg I received a title to add to my teaching credentials: Directed Studies "Guru." And as soon as I heard this title, I knew that I would abuse my powers. I have already alerted my collegues that I am to be addressed as Guru B- for the remainder of the year. I mean if you have it-might as well flaunt it.

Also, the teachers were given a homework assignment for tonight: suicide prevention. Oh, the irony!!!

Takin' My Medicine Straight Up

Well, it's time to put up and shut up and get my butt back to school. No more bitchin' or bellachin' either...sigh... Ain't easy workin' for a livin'. So back to the grind!

At least we can laugh about it:
“Work is the curse of the drinking classes.”
Oscar Wilde

Or maybe be inspired:
My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
Maya Angelou

Hope ya'll have a great week!

Going Rainbow (ie Commando)

You ol' timers will probably remember the story about lil brother getting all confused about the expression for going without underwear ("going commando"). To his older brother's disgust, lil brother called it "going rainbow." Big kid wanted to send him away to another family just for being so "totally uncool." And of course lil brother took complete advantage of big kid's annoyance by "going rainbow" frequently and then bragging about it.

Well...today...I went "rainbow"...at Publix. Yup. That's right. I never thought it possible either. But there it is. I am clearly on my way to old age. Because here's another thing: my bra straps were showing too. I'm gonna blame this lack of judgement on the heat-because it is hotter than Satan's armpit in my neck of the woods, ya'll. And I can't stand to be hot. Mr B says it's a wonder that I'm a pubic school teacher when clearly I shoulda been a stripper because he is always completely amazed at how fast I can bust outta my clothes when I'm HOT (and pissy). So I'd like to tell you that I regret "going rainbow" at Publix....but frankly my dears...

BTW- the Publix check out lady called me "young lady" as she handed me my bags. Clearly "going rainbow" takes a few years off one's age. Maybe we should all try this...

Check back in next week. I hear it's gonna be in the 100's. Not really too sure what comes after "going rainbow" but something's gotta give... Laws-a-mercy!!!

Introducing: Margie~Margarita!!!

Introducing Guest Blogger: Margie-Margarita!!!

My dear friend Margie-Margarita is an absolute font of information when it comes to getting a good deal. This gal has her finger on the pulse of local happenings. So here are a few of Margie-Margarita's tips as we start back to school for all you local pals:

RainTree has massage upgrades this week only...buy 60 or 90 mins & get hot stone or deep tissue upgrade free! 867-3000

Old Navy has uniform clothing on sale plus some good clearance deals if the size works...polo shirts as low as $5 and girls jeans & shorts for under $20 plus boy cargo for $16 and under

The Scholastic website is offering an additional 10% off for Parent Book club members (just sign up on their website) and they've got tons of workbooks & reference books as well as readers

The Target Dollar Spot is FAB! I got a write on/wipe off placemat for learning cursive writing! Plus flash cards, maps, the pencils with cool reflective decorations and all kinds of stuff like that!

Hair Five-O (hwy 96 near Publix) has $9.99 back to school haircuts. Perfect for the kids!

Reminders:
Sign up elementary kids for school this week!
7th graders need that additional shot! Registration Aug 2nd & 3rd
Also - you can print supply lists from the schools' website and Wal-Mart & Target both usually have copies of the supply lists on hand.
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I just ADORE Margie-Margarita!!! Check back next month for more of her wheelin' and dealin' money savin' tips!!!

PS: I'm sure I'll be seeing ya'll at the jam-packed Wal Mart as I elbow you out the way for that last plastic blue folder with prongs but no pockets that has holes in it to fit in a 3 inch binder that must be white with a clear plastic cover.....ARGH!!!!!!!

Whining-Unabridged

OK-whining and bitterness is unattractive...but "frankly my dear..." Bottom line: I don't wanna go to schoooooooooool! Like...really. Not even fakin' it (which I suck at btw). And yes-I know how lucky I am to have 2 months off....yadda yadda...and how I should be grateful...yadda yadda. BUT I'M NOT, OK?? I just want more time off. And no-I'm not writing the grand novel or saving the world or adopting orphans. I just wanna lie around in my bathrobe watching my Tivo's. Is that too much to ask from the universe???

Bad Habit

Lil brother has gotten into a bad habit of making annoying noises: bips, bings, screeches, squeals, high pitched baby voices, you name it. And really-it was funny the first 10,000 times. But now he won't let up (wonder why???) and we're all miserable. Even the dog will rise up from his comfortable napping spot and remove himself from the room while the rest of us are holding our ears and squalling in rage at lil brother for his auditory attacks (think nails down a chalkboard...). I guess it's gonna take 100,000 threats, time-outs, groundings, butt smacks, and hollerings to make it stop.

Laws! It's no wonder parents give out so easy...I'm worn out already.

Fancy Pants!!!

Look how fancy pants breakfast has gotten over here at blither blather headquarters! You'd think I actually slaved away in the kitchen for hours...NOT!

Recipe:
thin sliced ham
grated cheddar cheese
crescent rolls
poppy seeds

Directions:
Place crescent roll dough in muffin tin. Stuff with ham and cheese. Pinch dough together and sprinkle lightly with poppy seeds. Follow temp/times directions on crescent roll package. Serve with jam or savory mustard. A hearty, easy breakfast!

BTW-serve these rolls on your favorite dishes. I served my rolls on Granny L's blue Royal Mail dishes which she collected by saving her green stamps. What a great memory!

Wordy-Dird

Oops....I said it without even thinking-while lying prone on the couch with my arm over my head in a full-on whine: "I am soooooooooo booooooored!" OH HELL!!! I usually have a come-apart when I hear my kids utter this phrase and immediately strike a spankin' pose... Well, Mr B was quick with this brutal rebuttal, "Looks like your ready for school then."

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I take it back. Swear!!!

Warning: Vul'gah!!!

Gentle readers: this story is not for you. As we say down here in the south: It's Vul'gah. So thanks for checking in. Come back soon, here? I promise to play nice soon.

Ok-all ya'll nasty readers-here we go! This is the kinda story that makes you get on your knees and Thank God! it happened to another mother and not you. Don't ya'll just love those kinda stories?!?

My friend K took her son to the 5th grade magnet school end of year celebration at the bowling alley. And every mother of every kid is there, right? 'Member-I said MAGNET school... and all these mamas are decked out in their cougar outfits standing around all milf-like complaining about their personal trainers and how exhausting it is to take their fourth cruise of the year... (that is a whole 'nuther story...) when an anxious lil mama comes up and pulls on K's elbow and frantically whispers in her ear, "Hurry! Check out the nick names that Parker has typed on the TV screen!" So my friend K ambles her way through the crowd stopping to chit chat along the way with other moms and it takes a few minutes for her to find her son Parker who is in charge of the computer and typing the names. And when she looks up to study the list of names, she recoils in horror. In bold, capital letters for the entire 5th grade class and their milf-moms to see, Parker has typed the nick name of his best friend (who we later learn was christened this by his older brother, mind you): BIG P#SSY.

Well-you know at a critical moment like this-technology will fail you. The computer froze up. And it took 15 minutes to get a worker over there to get that name off the screen. By this time, there is a hush in the bowling alley as all the milf-moms and their kids turn their gazes to the TV monitor overhead to see the evidence of my friend K's horror and shame boldly emblazoned across the TV monitor for every over-achiever in town to read and study at his/her leisure.

Let's just say-those magnet school kids got a real education that day.

Prayer: May this NEVER happen to me, Lord!